Tag Archives: ass

My First Ever Online Date

18 Aug
not her, but close

not her, but close

I was on Match. 2006. My “headline” was “You should totally go out with me.” A girl messaged me saying “my roommate should totally go out with you.” I thought it was some kind of scam but no one else on the site gave a shit that I existed, so, I heard her out. She sent pics. They were of an American Apparel ass model. I thought: OK, now I gotta know what the scam is. So I set a date near my place. I honestly thought there would be people with cameras laughing at me.

I get there and it really is an American Apparel ass model. Also a med student. Really gorgeous, really smart, everything. We drank wine and it went well and she suggested we go back to my place. We did. And I had no idea how going on a date works, so– I didn’t make a move. I didn’t even kiss her. We talked for two more hours and then I walked her out and gave her a peck on the cheek goodnight. I thought that’s what you were supposed to do, seriously. And I thought the second date should be dinner so I asked her out again and she got all hesitant and weird and eventually just flaked.

I’ve been behaving like a complete pig ever since. Chasing down the ghost of the best pussy I ever could have had.


11 Dec

A great egret, unruffled by nearby American coots

Monday was a bad day. Because Sunday I went out with a pretty girl. She didn’t like me. Tame date at the duck pond; I’m trying to not get girls sauced and rawdog them on our first meeting. I’m old now. I want a wife. I spread out my blanket and she sat turned slightly away from me and I knew. I learned about girls’ body language cues from PUA message boards. I used to read that stuff all the time. Had to leave because of the politics. Misogynists are wrong about everything, except women.

She didn’t like me and she took off. I spent a few minutes on Tinder desperately trying to call in the second string. I failed. When something like this happens I start to think I’m a malodorous mutant who will die alone of some crippling illness. In this case, early onset Alzheimer’s since that Julianne Moore trailer came out. That lasted 36 hours.

Tuesday was a good day. I got fired. My company merged with another company, or bought some piece of them, or they bought some piece of us. That meant they needed to cut a bunch of people. One of them was my boss. That meant another one was me. Continue reading

Coffee Shop Diary: Ass

14 Jun
image stolen from sheknows.com

image stolen from sheknows.com

She’ll break my heart but I don’t care because my asshole hurts. She’s going on a date with another dude. I don’t want her to. There’s other complicated shit. Who cares. My ass.

I’m afraid it’s cancer. A polyp. Started hurting after four days of diarrhea from bad spinach. Figured it was the acid. My asshole was just overworked and surly. But it got worse. It hurts a little when I sit and a lot when I cough. When I adjust. Until your asshole hurts you don’t know how much you pucker it in life. Suck it in. It’s like a second mouth and all day you’re nibbling your lower lip. When I do that it’s like a rat’s chewing through it. Abrasive pain. You understand why Richard Gere pulled the gerbil’s teeth. It hurts when I shit, obviously. But also when I jerk off. Your asshole pulsates when you nut. Who knew.

Continue reading

Diary: Sunday in the Park

11 Aug

Out at the duck pond. Watching girls walk by. Many pretty young women with big breasts. Slutty teenage Mexican skater broads, like Hernandez brothers cartoons. Nice hot day; they strip down.

Girl kneeling in the grass, her ass sticking out. Tight olive drab shorts. A robust ass for an Asian woman. She looks like Gertrude. Maybe it’s her. She has a Skrillex haircut now, huh. I want to eat her out. Work my tongue all over her nice sweaty snatch. Now she’s leaving. She can detect my thoughts. Continue reading

Sex Machine

4 Aug
image stolen from womenchaseyou.com

image stolen from womenchaseyou.com

Work. Get a job. Get a job so you can get money so you can fuck. Lift weights so you look good enough to fuck. Learn shit, have funny and interesting things to talk about, so you can fuck. Go out so you can fuck, stay in online so you can fuck. Get good sources for drugs, stock your house with alcohol, learn how to cook so your second date can be at your house. Go to parties and spend money and talk to people and who gives a a shit what any of them say unless they’re girls you can fuck, guys who might know girls you can fuck. This is a disease of our libertine society, we are told. Used to be you’d get married young and your first time would be on your wedding night. You’d be monogamous for life. Bullshit. No one ever did that. The men were always fucking something. Hookers, donkeys, little boys.

I’m gonna hang my nuts in a car door and slam it shut. There will be pain, but it will be brief. It can’t hurt as much as a lifetime’s worth of all the stupid shit I do for pussy. The drinking, the drugs, the time spent away from what might be constructive labors. All that shit but especially just being a machine walking around with the aim to hurt human beings. I don’t end up with one night stand type women. No strings attached sex in which both parties are up front feels sick to me. I need to pretend, and maybe even believe, that we’re gonna speak again. That maybe she’s my future wife, or at least we’ll be friends. And then I need to fuck her and never speak again. I’ll get a couple rounds of texts saying “hey what’s up.” They like me, these girls. I’m not that good looking and I can’t fuck for shit. But I have personality. Continue reading

A Thousand Ships

26 Feb

What killed me was the way she walked.  She would pick up her feet like a cat in a litter box not wanting to step in its piss.  Like a fawn trotting.  It made her ass shake in that sheer little Wilma Flintstone dress and she knew it.  She was “bubbly.”  Friendly.  She dropped a piece of ice and the host said it’s great to watch you bend over and she giggled like it was 1962 and no one ever got sued.  She laughed in a way that let you pretend.  You know she’s fucking some yoga instructor or some Russian guy for money but you can’t remember these things like you can’t remember the alphabet backwards when a cop’s shining a klieg light in your eyes. Continue reading