OKCupid: What I’m Doing with My Life Part 2

11 Dec
image stolen from movieposters.com

image stolen from movieposters.com

I was unemployed for a while. Now I’m a gray corporate worm. I have a 401(k). I wear loafers. I use Powerpoint; Excel. Advanced proficiency in Microsoft Office Suite.

I’m in a small branch office of a large corporation. We share a bathroom. This means that the 4 times a day I piss, which should be a respite– 3 of those 4 times a man from another company will piss next to me. Often it’s a particular bear of a man. Six foot eight, fat, bearded, sweat along his widow’s peak from walking to the restroom. There are 2 urinals. I must stand right by him. The heat from his fat arms noticeable. One side of my face hotter. Unbuckle my reversible genuine leather belt, black on one side brown on the other. Unclasp my pressed business slacks which have a metal tab as well as a button. Withdraw my penis. Which had begun to recoil, already, upon seeing this man from 50 feet down the hall as he keyed in the bathroom door code. By the time I get it out it’s a shrunken acorn head. The other man is slow with his pants. He has only now released his member as he’s heard me keying in the code. His penis too has recoiled.

Your dick fights you. It gets hard in class but not when a girl you like kisses you. It yearns forcefully to spray hot gouts of piss when you’re in a meeting. But when you’re there at the pisser, and a man is standing next to you who you know will note silence instead of the music of fluid tinkling on porcelain– when your penis can hurt you by making it clear to another man that you’re a little girl chickenshit who can’t piss in public– it will. The petty cruelty of your dick proves God is wicked.

Eventually I go in the stall. I don’t want people to think I shit at work, but it’s the lesser evil.

Back to my cubicle. It looks like a cartoon of an office. Like an office from Staples commercials where it’s clear no one involved has had a real job. The walls are beige and the guy next to me has a poster that explains ATTITUDE. Black phone, black computer. With these tools I create Data Driven Solutions for Market Leading Brands. On Halloween, fake police tape proclaims my space a “Zombie Zone.” I am drug tested. I’m too uncool to do drugs so I pass. A portion of my check is withheld into a retirement account. This helps avoid taxes. By consenting to this I am consenting to a slow subtle scam to eliminate social programs. Turn the country into Ayn Rand anarcho-capitalism. When enough people have 401(k)’s they’ll take back old people’s government money because if I don’t need it fuck you. I am contributing to evil. But I want to avoid taxes.

These activities, and my commute, take up 12 of my 16 waking hours.

I don’t have a dating friendly lifestyle, is what I’m saying. No one who works does. First dates are OK. Maybe a new person will fuck you. A relationship is OK. Come over at 9:30, eat, watch a movie, fuck, pass out. Wake up at 6:45. I want those things. But to get from one to the other there’s the crucial burden of getting to know you. I have no energy for this. You don’t either. We’ll meet. I’ll pour cheap wine down your gullet and you’ll fuck me or you won’t. Next day, the better looking one won’t return the other’s text. We’re doomed to do this dance until we get so old we’re too ugly. At which point– what? What happens? I don’t know, but I bet it’s terrifying. In my leisure time I enjoy hiking.

15 Responses to “OKCupid: What I’m Doing with My Life Part 2”

  1. Anonymous December 11, 2014 at 6:32 pm #


  2. Klyde Hughes December 11, 2014 at 8:06 pm #

    Exceptional. Reminds me of Fight Club.

  3. eliza December 11, 2014 at 8:28 pm #

    Nice read

  4. whatarandomfuckingguy December 12, 2014 at 2:45 pm #

    Please write a book already.

    Let it just be random thoughts about life, death, fucking, whatever, but just do it. I will pay any price you ask for that book, I will find the money somehow.

    • Christy December 15, 2014 at 12:31 am #

      But he already writes random thoughts about life, death, fucking etc. right here, for free.

  5. rando December 12, 2014 at 4:03 pm #

    Talk about a negativity spiral.

  6. Lex Interior December 12, 2014 at 4:29 pm #

    It’s the dead zone between deciding if someone is fuckable and deciding they’re worthy of sleeping in your bed, introducing to your friends, and allowing them to know exactly how to hurt you. The chasm is vast and it feels futile to try to cross it. I can remember when I could still be excited about someone in the same way I can remember Christmas as a kid. I’m terrified that the accumulated crust of years and heartbreak and the shell I’ve built for myself out of job and home and hobbies will never permit me to connect with another human being. And the best part? I did it to myself.

    • cathartic December 13, 2014 at 12:09 pm #

      thank you for sharing

  7. Anonymous December 12, 2014 at 6:14 pm #

    You’re such a beautiful piece of poop. You write with clarity and humor such that it’s hard to completely dislike you, if someone reads your work consistently. You’re a human man, totally wrecked and not ashamed of it and you accept responsibility for yourself. Idgaf what you say, or the stupid advice you get from people who think they’re in such good places in life to give it, I know I’ve given my own fair share, but you are perfect as you are. That doesn’t mean stay there; It means you’ve always been perfect and I hope you let that feeling guide you on dates as much as you do when you write.

    • Julissa March 2, 2017 at 10:17 pm #

      I’m so glad I found my soitluon online.

  8. Bango Tango December 13, 2014 at 7:35 pm #

    Everyday observations we all make and thoughts we all have. Very funny the way you pen it. Hiking and taking a walk is what sane people do….congrats!

    • Anonymous December 13, 2014 at 10:31 pm #

      Shh! If you keep saying things might make him sane, he might stop doing it!

  9. jesus December 15, 2014 at 11:40 am #

    Please write a book damnit.

  10. Gideon van Wageningen December 15, 2014 at 7:33 pm #

    I used to occasionally have the same issue you did. Walk in to the office bathroom and then suddenly boom there goes someone behind you, or worse, super cramped bar bathroom with two urinals and a commode in an 8×8 room. And 10 dudes in a line outside and that fucking guy that sells condoms, sprays of cologne, and cigarettes while making sure not too many people are blowing lines on the toilet seat.

    Anyway, just always start to play with your phone (check your email or your WordPress or whatever) while you’re taking a leak, especially at home, and then pretty soon you’ll both be distracted by it and Pavlov-conditioned the right way. Worked for me.

    Oh, and I’ll throw down 5 bucks, even for just a low-effort compendium of already existing posts. 10 bucks or more something with even 1000 words of otherwise unavailable material.

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