Depression

26 Jul

Going crazy. Want to kill myself. I hate my sponsor. I hate God. I hate Alcoholics Anonymous. But it’s too early to drink.

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous: don’t get me started. It’s the devil. Felt good for a day thinking I wouldn’t be thirsty anymore. Then Isla didn’t text me back. I woke up and understood why people shoot up movie theaters.

Big coyote in the park this morning. Running from something. Kicked out of his pack, out into the atom bomb sunlight. Poor bastard. I still chased him.

I expected her to say no but I didn’t expect her to say nothing. Need to accept that I will die alone and why not right this minute. All week you look forward to a couple days off. You get them and you’re locked in a cell with yourself.

It’s like I’m having a stroke. Like a neurological disorder. I wanted to write “write” as “right.” About to lose control of my tongue. It’s like there are centipedes squirming through the blood vessels in my brain. Like drowning. Like kicking benzos. Have I ever been this crazy before. No. This is a new personal best.

So the goal today is: survive. Make it until your head hits the pillow. Still living: success. You think: stay home, barricade yourself in. That won’t help. There’s an axe here and I’ll put the edge on my neck. I pray and God is not with me. Sometimes you take one step toward him and he takes two steps toward you. Today he runs like the fuckin coyote.

Deep breath. Let go of the melodrama. I need pussy. I need women. But I can’t have them; if I had them I’d be unhappy with them, I’d be afraid of losing them. I’m incapable of being happy. Fine.

Had a fight with my sponsor. I am in an abusive relationship with another man. Arguing with him feels like beating up my dad. This is why women hate me now, because I’m a fucking sub. To my sponsor, to my boss, to everyone. I have nothing and I am nothing. I’m a pathetic servant. A whipped animal.

When I was telemarketing for fake charities I’d talk all day to people who hated me. Just take their hate, take it and take and take it. One Saturday after a shift I took a ride into town with my buddy. We had water balloons. A young girl stood on the sidewalk in a beautiful communion dress. I tossed a balloon out the window. Perfectly compensated for the velocity of the car and nailed her. Her stunned, shattered look for a second as we sped away. Big moment in her life destroyed. And all the hate was gone. I laughed.

Sometimes the way to get through bad shit is to help people. But hurting people works too. Passing on the abuse. This is why people who get molested molest kids. People who get beaten beat their wives, and so on.

Well that will be my second goal then. Not to take this hate and put it on someone else. Instead it goes on the page. Do with it what you will. I’m gonna jerk off and have a burrito.

37 Responses to “Depression”

  1. Brandon Fisher (@SeekingTelos) July 26, 2015 at 12:15 pm #

    Hey man,

    You’ll be well. Think about every other big event in your life so far. Two weeks after it happened, you found yourself wondering why you were such a bitch about it.

    Do one of your biggest fans a favor, and go get yourself a nice new pair of socks. The short kind that doesn’t stay on your foot, or the knee high ones with cool colors. Doesn’t matter. Everything feels better when you put a fresh pair of socks on.

  2. Severe Tire Damage July 26, 2015 at 12:53 pm #

    Our friend, the great Alice Cooper, put it best when he crooned “Welcome To My Nightmare…..”

  3. ewanmacerc July 26, 2015 at 12:54 pm #

    I support paying forward the abuse. Just stay out of trouble.

  4. Highwasp July 26, 2015 at 4:26 pm #

    one of the most authentic posts I’ve read in a while – thank you.

    “Sometimes the way to get through bad shit is to help people. But hurting people works too. Passing on the abuse. This is why people who get molested molest kids. People who get beaten beat their wives, and so on.”

    Men who are cuckold react by cheating on their next woman/women and take pleasure in her pain [just like what was done to him], men who have their children stolen through divorce court or simple female deception then abandon their next offspring and feel free for having done so, fathers who are raised by single moms become compulsive liars, psychopaths and real ‘son’s of bitches’… ya I am finding this out repeatedly throughout my life for the past 50 years – “I woke up and understood why people shoot up movie theaters.” Ha! keep watching the news – don’t make it – it’s going to be entertaining as more and more men feel the ocean of male-hatred we are swimming in and they react accordingly… of course you and I are smarter than that – or maybe we just roll over better – either way this misandric culture is going the way of the Roman Empire – so pass the popcorn and beer, sit back and enjoy the decline.

  5. RPK (@RPK_) July 26, 2015 at 4:38 pm #

    It’s funny how your best writing work comes out when you are feeling the most pain. You truly are an artist.

    I would say hang in there and everything will work out perfectly like in the movies, but that’s pretty much all BS. Buddha said it best, “life is misery.” Buddha was also right when he said, “Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks.”

    Anyways hang in there and remember to laugh once in a while.

  6. jiminy cricket July 26, 2015 at 5:13 pm #

    that water balloon …..

    “Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves” – homer simpson

  7. Dagonet July 26, 2015 at 9:43 pm #

    I really relate to this post, and I think you truthfully conveyed what it’s like to be gripped by a deep depression. Roosh said on his lecture tour that the 3 keys to being happy in life are setting goals you’re excited to work toward, thinking about those that have less than you each day, and thinking about what you have that you’re grateful for each day. I think those are a good start. Unfortunately, depression can become our identity. I know it has for me, and so it’s hard for our ego to let go of it. The best we can do is to accept it, not resist it, and try to figure out what we can give ourselves to look forward to in life. And also try to let go and enjoy what we already have. Cernovich’s new book (Gorilla Mindset) or The Power of Now could help too. Not that you should rely on substances, but I’ve had good experiences with 5-HTP before bed, and N-A-C in the morning (they are pretty much natural supplements). Also, since depression is related to inflammation, taking Advil can actually help reduce it.

    • Anonymous July 27, 2015 at 12:23 am #

      man you need to quit putting so much stock in this roosh and cernovich bullshit. anyone can tell you to set goals and be grateful you’re not a crippled beggar child in India. Women aren’t the fucking basis of self worth

    • Anony-fucking-mous July 27, 2015 at 9:19 am #

      Cernovich’s new book sucks huge dick. It’s advice for dumb people who’ve never thought critically about their lives before. “Hurr doing things makes you feel good, Eating right makes you feel healthy, achieving goals provides a rush of endorphins.” No, shit.

      Do you really read something like DeliciousTacos blog, and think “Man, I bet this guy has never heard of Roosh’s advice for avoiding depression.” You’re like the kid in Calculus class who keeps educating everyone about Pythagoreans Theorem. There’s no need for us to step backwards here.

    • ewanmacerc July 27, 2015 at 2:26 pm #

      “… depression can become our identity.”

      Maybe that’s, like, Calvinism or something.

      • Anonymous July 27, 2015 at 11:50 pm #

        Fuck all you dbag faggots. This kid’s just trying to improve himself like all of you beta losers that read this site

  8. Pat Pong July 26, 2015 at 11:38 pm #

    Coyotes are solitary animals and don’t run in packs, you ignorant faggot.

    Wolves hunt in packs, not coyotes.

    Wolves are not coyotes.

    Read a book.

  9. Ben Bien July 27, 2015 at 7:25 am #

    don’t mind me, just dropping a comment backlink for SEO purposes.

    good writing, excellent, very relateable, don’t kill yourself, set challenging goals, keep working on your book, man, you can do it! etc. etc.

  10. ben July 27, 2015 at 3:29 pm #

    in times of crisis, it helps to wander a library or bookstore and peruse a book by an author you respect.

    i read Beautiful You by Palahniuk a couple days ago. good stuff but didn’t like the ending.

    relevant quote:

    “I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That’s the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about.” – Palahniuk

  11. Anal Trauma July 27, 2015 at 5:27 pm #

    Obviously this no drinking thing isn’t working. Get back to it. It takes a long time before you kill yourself drinking anyway. You’re now sounding like a whiny beta turd. Throwing a water balloon at a little girl is something useless, powerless cunts do. I think you need to have someone beat the shit out of you – you might feel better.

    • ben July 27, 2015 at 7:08 pm #

      agreed.

      not a good idea to measure one’s masculinity based on how readily he can pull pussy, or how much pussy he’s gotten.

      quality > quantity

      loneliness/unhappiness can be good for creativity.

      drinking can get out of hand for an addict. depends on your overall body and how it can hang. Kerouac died at 47 from too much drinking. just bled out.

  12. Anal Trauma July 28, 2015 at 4:58 am #

    Have you ever been in a fight? If you have, have you ever won? More important than you might think.

    • ben July 28, 2015 at 8:53 am #

      first rule of delicious tacos is: you do not talk about delicious tacos.

      i think depressed or not, we could all benefit from a rub and tug at the many ubiquitous “MASSAGE” parlors. from a korean in her 30’s with big fake tits.

  13. Hotel Martéll July 28, 2015 at 7:14 am #

    Reading this while commuting to work, keep your head up DT. You have a year of sobriety and that’s amazing man. I told myself I wouldn’t drink again for the 163747838th time and did….spent all of my money like an idiot. Now my diet Will consist of stolen fruit from work until payday arrives. It’s a fucking sickness. The worst part about it is that the only reason I find myself going to a bar alone is so I can be in a room full of people. Who the fuck wants to go to work then come home and be lonely as shit especially when I’m walking by every crowded bar filled with happy people. Fuck it.

  14. titty bangsta July 28, 2015 at 9:54 am #

    cheer up, even De Niro is playing a lowly sub now too:

    #girlpower #morewomenintech

  15. zekeschrempf July 28, 2015 at 1:38 pm #

    Most women in our generation are simply not worth your time for anything more than a cum repository. And I think you’re going to have a hard time finding a good one, the kind of woman you’d want to build a life and raise children with, in a place like Los Angeles.

    I think that’s a big part of why you’re depressed. You’re miserable not having somebody, but even if you could convince your typical woman in LA to hang around for awhile and date you exclusively, you’d be scared of the day she inevitably kicks you to the curb, and the kicker is that she’s not really somebody worth building a life together anyways. You’re sick of being alone, but most of the women you encounter have no depth, don’t inspire you in any kind of a deep way, and aren’t a prize worth having.

    All I can say is that there are a few good women still out there, but they typically hail from or live in the Midwest, and they have strong relationships with their fathers. I don’t think you’re going to find her in LA. Move already.

  16. zekeschrempf July 28, 2015 at 1:39 pm #

    Also, keep your head up and stay sober. It’s an amazing accomplishment to stay dry as long as you have. Giving in to your addiction is not the solution to your problems, it will only make them worse.

  17. titty mcjiggles July 28, 2015 at 6:49 pm #

    oh look, 2 back to back posts about wanting to kill himself.

    maybe DT just wants some attention. to know that he is not alone. that he is a leader above his readers. a dom, not a sub. don’t hate yourself, dude. it’s all nothing. emptiness. we all die. like, enjoy it while it lasts, ya know, man. go see a sunset or something.

    group hug. who wants ice cream.

    yay!

  18. Pen15 July 29, 2015 at 4:31 am #

    What sexaholics meeting do you go to in LA and what percentage is of going is based on trying to have sex?

  19. Anal Trauma July 29, 2015 at 6:42 am #

    Why do you jerk off so much? Get a hobby. Start fly fishing……get out in the mountains or something. Hunt, fish, make love to a native American woman ( look it up, they’re really attractive ). Get the fuck out of LA.
    $10 says you’re a Pisces – the sturm und drang suits you.

    • scholarly psychologist July 29, 2015 at 8:33 am #

      i agree with this comment.

      but it’s easier said than done. some people are chronic masturbators and are addicted. it becomes a vicious cycle. jerking off lowers confidence and motivation, which increases approach anxiety, which lowers probability of meeting actual girls in the real world, which then lowers confidence and motivation more, which then reverts back to beating off.

      if DT is real and not just a character on this site, then he’s most likely caught in that cycle.

  20. kit harringtaint July 29, 2015 at 1:52 pm #

    you are drowning in societal lies, treading water with your job, calling yourself a sub, spending time re-stating problems over and over again instead of looking for ways to find answers or to find positive reasons for which to live. you feel you cannot change the world, you feel anonymous, so therefore your mind concludes to rage quit via self-destruction—because construction/creation is too hard. it’s too hard to complete a novella of 100 pages or a novel of 200 pages.

    been there, done that. binge drinking is easy. self-destruction is easy. suicide is easy. it takes a minute to jump off a high building. it takes a lifetime of struggle to build yourself into a man via the works you create and the challenges you overcome.

    fuck women and their rampant materialism. pick up a book by philip k dick and go to imaginary places where the mind soars free.

    but no, you want a pill, a quick button to push, a quick instant screw to calm the nerves until the next need for a new screw pops back into your mind and it’s back into the want cycle again.

  21. Cody August 1, 2015 at 6:15 pm #

    Depression in men is mainly caused by a lack of sex and affection. When I’m at my favourite brothel – or driving home with the fresh smell of cunny still stuck to me – life doesn’t seem so bad. But then the “just waiting for death” feeling quickly resurfaces after a bit of time has passed. I think the only solution is to be Dan Bilzerian rich and enjoy a 24/7 jailbait orgy.

  22. Anonymous August 6, 2015 at 4:39 am #

    Anytime your happiness is dependent on other people, especially one person or group of people (a loved one, women, etc.), you’ll never be happy. Others will simply never value you as much as they should. You need value in your life that comes from yourself and your own actions. For example, your writing, as you’ve established yourself among a niche of men as a skilled, painfully honest wordsmith. Or your body and knowledge of diet and exercise. Your appreciation and knowledge of art, specifically literature and films. And there are other things in your life, I’m sure. And if there aren’t, you could make them. Develop new hobbies. Get new skills. Hike, dance, learn code, learn judo, get your personal trainer certification, learn a new language. Get on Meetup.com and find a group with something you’re interested in and make some damn *male* friends and hang out with them instead of just staring at your phone and waiting for some chick to flake on you (they flake on all us, trust me).

  23. iou_notmuch August 6, 2015 at 3:05 pm #

    look, you’re still doing much better than me. i haven’t had sex with a good-looking woman since last october (in fact i only had sex once since then, w a woman i dont find really attractive). completely obsessed by it and literally drooling at all the young hotties on the street and everywhere but just unable to try anything, chronic approach anxiety, rock-bottom self-esteem. and i’m not like 18. i’m 32 (thirty two). also professionally, i think i’m screwed. so there. you’re doing much better than many of us.

  24. Cornelius von Wainwright August 9, 2015 at 3:46 pm #

    I want to hear you go John Muir on this blog, what with your recent travels and all. I’m so envious. All I want to do is just bum around for a while and see some beautiful places like you. Camp in the woods and live on like $300 a month. I thought you had a job? How’d you take so much time off?

  25. CK August 11, 2015 at 8:00 pm #

    There ya go, go camping with the guys from Mercedes Motoring. You still have your diesel, right?

  26. CK August 11, 2015 at 8:06 pm #

    Or head up the Women for Trump organizing effort.

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