Thirsty but not thirsty enough to to fuck girls ugly enough to fuck me. Supposed to write today. Won’t happen. I have ideas in the shower. They vanish as I soap my asshole. I’ll write nothing. Nothing for a year and that’s fine. Ten years, twenty years, until I’m dead, who fucking cares. If you want something you can’t have it. It’s when you remove desire that things come. Actually no– if you don’t want something you cant have it either. You just can’t have anything. God is a demon who eats suffering. Our world a rich banquet.
The fish tank is too loud. I meant to meditate, take a shit while reading the finest literature– instead I looked at the Witcher 3 subreddit. Re-read the first pages of the Unabomber manifesto.
I was in Palm Spings. My friend’s wife rented a house. His 40th birthday. We sat by the pool. I’d like to complain but I had a great time. His wife’s brother is a beachy Burning Man money type; he had a young girl who was fun to look at. Would have been great to have single girls there but let’s not go nuts. No one will ever put a woman in a social situation with me again. I must milk internet fame and fuck girls who write me until I’m dead. I must keep posting, or mail bombs.
My friend’s into politics. MSNBC was on. Every ad for a drug. When I turned 120 my pancreas didn’t work the way it should, until I asked my doctor about Lumitra. Don’t take Lumitra if you have a liver or kidneys. You may experience hemorrhaging. When my foot rotted off from diabetes I thought I’d never coach my granddaughter’s gymnastics team again. Now there’s Xynquentra. The grandchild gazes lovingly at the old drug taker as they groom horses or play trumpet. The dream, to have a young person care you’re alive.
I’d been reading about news ratings. Trump went to Mexico. Fox news led with 6 million viewers. 450,000 in the “news demo.” The news demo is 25-54s, versus 18-49s that most ratings track. The other 5.5 million, older than the stones. They’ve wandered the Earth 300 ages of men.
Panels discuss Trump. He’s shown in a pink tie at a black church swaying awkwardly while a woman glances sideways at the camera like she expects spiders to pour out of it. MSNBC has a thing where they put the lights right in the pro-Trump panelists eyes so they blink constantly. The liberals never blink. Trump doesn’t hate Mexicans, explains a Mexican he hired.
MSNBC plays to four million vampires and the five of us in the room. We’re the news demo. We discuss. For everyone else it’s a given: Trump will exterminate all blacks. Push Mexicans across the border into lava. When they talk Hillary’s campaign it’s “we.” The campaign, a referendum on Race in America. I’m in favor of Mexicans. I’ll vote for Hillary. But in my heart I want Trump to win and kill all minorities because I’m mad girls don’t like me.
Jesus Christ, I cant even write dumb shit anymore. I cant write anymore. Relax. We knew it would be like this. You’ll never write again, accept it. You are nothing. If you masturbate you can’t write. Before you masturbate you can’t write. You’re trapped alone but if you go be with people you’ll hate them unless they fuck you. Tinder’s broken; you cant even get a fat woman to the duck pond, slip around later in her smelly loose pussy.
Anyway the news is for old people. Bernie Sanders was on. He looks great. It’s too bad he still exists because you’re reminded that Hillary spends her time sucking on baby brains with the Rothschilds in the Hamptons. Jerking off with a fetus leg to drone footage of Yemeni boys screaming on fire. Then a $100,000 per plate lamb entree. Did you read Garrison Keillor’s Trump piece, my friend asks. So cutting. You are Queens, says Garrison Keillor who is brought to you by Mercedes Benz. I don’t like Trump but I like when he makes Lady Rothschild gag.
They’re both horrendous pieces of shit. Trump is a fuckin buffoon but Hillary makes me believe in lizard people. The only good news is legally the president can only kill Arabs. Shuffle money from one Rothschild to another while you work for nothing. Pay taxes so the lucky poor can fuck succulent teens while you die in a world of bills. Kazcsynski’s right. Our society is garbage. America must be annihilated. In ten years would be great. Yesterday would be better. Let the Canadians eat our bones. Give the land to the Mexicans. They can’t do worse. Where is my fucking candidate.
MSNBC cuts away from one of their Hootie black guys. Reporter on the beach in Jersey. A hurricane unexpectedly did not hit. He still has to stand there. He must still talk up the high winds, as an elderly woman walks by with a sun parasol. A kid builds a house of cards, another folds origami cranes. As you see Nancy it’s somewhat frothy now, but just 12 hours ago these seas churned with thousand legged spiny horrors. The camera’s rolling so you must speak. But there is no story. Civilization will continue. You will have nothing that you want.