You Should Message Me If Part 4

11 Sep

image stolen from

I need a girl who’s a total loser but not bad looking. Who some other guy hasn’t got to first. I need a girl who has no job no car no place to live but not because they smoke crack or some shit. I need a girl who’s smart but no education. Could some day be a good mother but not a girl from a good family, ever– no one who talks to her dad. None of this good college Fortune 500 shit, I need a girl who earns minimum wage at the water store but doesn’t feel compelled to describe herself as CEO of me incorporated or some girly Etsy shit. Ambition makes me puke. I need a girl with no pets no friends who’ll move in with me and shut the fuck up while I play the The Witcher 3. Not even The Witcher 3— I play The Witcher 3 so my Witcher 3 character can play Gwent, the game-within-a-game in The Witcher 3. A girl who won’t talk while I’m playing Gwent all night. Just watch.

I need a girl with no job no car no home. Can’t cook can’t clean– I need a girl who can’t read, can’t tie her shoes, can’t lift a fork to her mouth because this is the level of loser it has to be to get the other thing I need: a hot woman who’s single. Not dating a musician if she’s under thirty or a silver fox rich guy if she’s my age. My OKCupid profile is rated so low my home screen suggestions are all fat transsexuals. Five circle pics of stubbly Fred Flintsone hog jowls with lipstick and names like gloryhole_vixen. They lie about their age.

Getting addicted to The Witcher 3. My eyes are yellow today. Or just bloodshot, I can’t tell. Yellow eyes means yellow fever. I went to the Amazon, didn’t get vaccinated. Liver failing. Really it’s from smearing Curel Intensive Care on my eyelids, blinking it into my eyes. Too vain not to moisturize but too cheap to buy eye cream. Slight headache. Little trickle of snot pus oozing ever so slightly out my left nostril and my left nostril only. It’s cerebrospinal fluid. Precursor to a brain hemorrhage. I have Zika. I have cancer; it’s that new freckle on my cheek or the red bumps from the sun on my nose which I’ll have to get cut off. Leave a skull hole in my face; I’ll have to use a cunningly crafted prosthetic. Fine. Give me one like Casper van Dien. Cancer everywhere; I’m going to die and I wasted my life working instead of buying tech stocks early and pumping pulsating cumshots into underage Southeast Asian teens all day every day.

I need a hot idiot who’s on SSI but forgot to mail in the forms. It’s live with me or suck dick under a bridge. Even that’s a tough choice. Coming to realize I’m violently undesirable. Anyway let’s fuck.


The Pussy

38 Responses to “You Should Message Me If Part 4”

  1. AChimichangaChalupaBastardChild September 11, 2016 at 1:51 pm #

    If I stuck a pic of Diane Lane across my face, would you fuck me? I mean I’m 18, female and have a shitty sense of self esteem. Whaddya say?

    • delicioustacos September 11, 2016 at 1:52 pm #

      I’ll fuck anybody with a “1” in front of her age.

      • AChimichangaChalupaBastardChild September 11, 2016 at 2:06 pm #

        Great, all I need to do is tell my parents, have em disown me, steal dad’s credit card, realize I’m in deep shit for the former, and spend the rest of my days hiding out at your place.

      • Fat, hairy, ugly 10 year old with halitosis, dandruff, and premature acne September 11, 2016 at 3:19 pm #

        Sign me up, big boy!

      • Matthew Walker September 17, 2016 at 5:33 pm #

        My great great grandmother just turned 103. She can cook, though.

    • Father O'Hara aka Adolf Hitler's Skid Marks On His Underpants September 16, 2016 at 5:00 pm #

      Are you pro gas chambers?

      • AChimichangaChalupaBastardChild September 17, 2016 at 4:16 am #

        Sure, if I’m in one.

  2. Sultan of Vajagroinia September 11, 2016 at 1:55 pm #

    …but do you love to laugh

  3. B September 11, 2016 at 3:26 pm #

    Shut up, fag

  4. Jack September 11, 2016 at 5:22 pm #

    Very Bukowski-esque. Gritty and negative, yet funny in its own twisted way.

    Hope the chlamydia isn’t killing your sex life. Reading about your misadventures with the harlots of LA county helps me do better with the harlots in my own neighborhood.

  5. pete September 11, 2016 at 11:56 pm #

    here ya go fucko—

  6. Anonymous September 12, 2016 at 3:52 am #

    That little rush of pride when I lay a semicolon, instantly spoiled by rotten-egg nouveau riche shame.

  7. Nikolai Vladivostok September 12, 2016 at 5:21 am #

    Go where the girls are desperate.
    You could theoretically make the girls in your area more desperate in order to eliminate the need to move but it seems impractical. One man can’t crash the whole economy. And it is just that – the safety and prosperity of your society – which is the root of your problems.

    • Atlanta Man September 12, 2016 at 6:26 am #

      Girls are desperate in New York City, Austin Texas, and Atlanta Georgia. Men are thirsty in San Francisco, Miami, LA, and Portland. The amount of female attention I received in New York was staggering, I think the women there are the most desperate in the nation right now. In New York I wore a black tee shirt, jeans and Converse every day and received more positive female attention than I have had since college. It was fucking awesome in NY, and fucking expensive.

      • you know I love you atlanta man, but September 19, 2016 at 4:35 am #

        sorta disagree about nyc women. lotsa hipster artiste types with daddy’s credit card / sucka du jour buying em din-din during which they check their iphone 987 times —

        desperate maybe, but very cunn(t)ing.

        what was your secret? were you using Nubian Heritage/Sundial Creations African Black Bar Soap with Oats and Aloe Vera

      • Atlanta Man September 19, 2016 at 7:53 pm #

        I am very tall, and athletic with a full beard. I was approached by many women and they all kept saying”you are so tall”. I noticed all the men at the places I went were skinny fat, just plain fat, or short. I was frequently the only black male at every function I attended. I also noticed a shit ton of guys were afraid to directly approach women, I was not and the women were very receptive- I went for women under 30 HB7-8.5 and did very well. I even had completely sober sex with a 22 year old on the same day I met her, but I was introduced to her by her best friend who is dating my good friend-so I guess that is not as impressive.

      • to Dr Humpstable, September 22, 2016 at 4:14 am #

        what area / years did you hang out in?

      • Atlanta Man September 23, 2016 at 2:31 pm #

        2002 Brooklyn, 2015 and 2016 Brooklyn, Bronx,and Manhattan. In 2016 I hit a lot of art galleries and Artsy type parties. My best friend lives there and is semi successful artist with his own studio, he is coming to Miami this year for Art Basel in Miami so I went up to see his art, party and hang out with his people. It was an awesome scene. He is in with the hipster/ trust fund set up there because, unlike them, he has talent. It is very rare in his circles for someone to be muscular, in Miami it is very common for everyone to be in shape. I really stood out.

      • SORCERYGOD September 30, 2016 at 2:18 pm #

        Hi, Atlanta Man. Sorcerygod here. A LONG time ago, you read my original site and posted a small comment in reply to my porn article.

        I’ll be posting more porn and erotic stories in the future, plus true-life escapes of me seducing chicks. If you’re interested, come and visit, and be sure to drop a comment at :

        You might want to wait a few days until I get the seducing-thing started. I’ll post some videos of myself with bitches so you check it out. I’m white, but maybe I’ll grab myself a Sister just to make you jealous.


        You WOULD be jealous, wouldn’t you?

  8. Anonymous September 12, 2016 at 7:05 am #

    You sound like a real prize

  9. seriouslypleasedropit September 12, 2016 at 8:04 am #

    But, you know, at least violently undesirable.

  10. Anonymous September 13, 2016 at 12:55 am #

    Hmh. He must’ve told off that stalker. Or the guy finally had a stroke.

  11. No Name For This September 14, 2016 at 2:14 pm #

    Fucking hand lotion? Why not use motor oil next time – Jesus Christ. Coconut oil is a great choice for keeping you looking young while you’re destitute. It also makes for a tasty bowl of popcorn and it’s a phenomenal lube… as long as you’re not using condoms.

  12. Anomie Mao's September 18, 2016 at 8:49 am #

    Oh for Christ’s saké can we set aside this fruitless nattering over DT’s never-ending death spiral into nut crushing, emptied testicle obscurity for one second, please? What’s his face’s website is down – you know, that EVP Dickalick guy. *moment of silence*

    Incidentally, customers who bought The Pussy also allegedly bought Nubian Heritage/Sundial Creations African Black Bar Soap with Oats and Aloe Vera. Which one of you did this?

    • Soapy September 18, 2016 at 6:49 pm #

      Twas I, Chairman Mao. I’m vainer than Bateman.
      Great product too, no bullshit.

      Since we’re speaking on grooming:
      Mr Tacos, I sure hope this ain’t you trying a New Look:

  13. Triple Titted Tracy the Tree Tarsier September 20, 2016 at 2:49 pm #

    But the burning question is who appeals more to your twisted worldview. Bitchy Yennifer, who’s seen all you have and may be sticking around because of that big wish, who treats you like a child but basically has her shit together, or Triss who looks 15 and seems genuinely sweet but who you probably couldn’t tell about your day without despoiling and lives in an idealistic way that makes you want to puke every so often.

    Or would your drives have you making a bid to bone the royal sisters in Toussaint or showing Ciri the ol’ pink sword? (After all you’re not biological family.)

  14. Anonymous September 21, 2016 at 12:01 pm #

    You really miss your ex fiancé. Like, this whole time you’ve just been looking for her. I hope you find her and you guys raise someone else’s kids together, pretending their yours even though they obviously Mexican or something. And she throws you out because you don’t make enough money to give her the best gutter drugs available AND buy diapers and pay rent. You’re never going to have a house because the down payment could go to something useful like spoons from Goodwill and torch lighters.

    These poor guys think they know what they want. They think if they slay enough whores, aka all women, they’ll feel good about themselves, but you know the truth. You know that your heart can only be filled with the love from a good woman who wants to bring other men into your bed while you’re at work and then scream that it’s your fault she has to dot it because you’re useless. And then you buy dinner for “your” children and cry yourself to sleep after you’ve tucked them in and told them bedtime stories of kids who’s parents loved them.

  15. rectum September 21, 2016 at 10:35 pm #

    ur writing is gay n so r u

  16. Kitten Holiday September 27, 2016 at 2:53 pm #

    You’re quickly becoming one of my favorite writers. Please don’t slow down.

  17. SORCERYGOD September 30, 2016 at 2:11 pm #

    Hello, Delicious Tacos! Your future friend and “boss” Greg Nikolic/Sorcerygod here!

    I have a new website which you’ll want to follow closely. In it, I detail my attempts to build a real-life harem and also to sell my books, which I’ll use to shovel money YOUR way, Delish. I still want you as my VP of Mass Media in Toronto, at Quadelitedom, and don’t you forget it. I think of you often and fondly.

    In order of you fucking that 18-year-old at the top of the comments, I think I’m gonna write a little sex-story vignette. Watch and learn how “commercial fiction” is done, My God Delicious Tacos. Watch and learn.

    * * *

    Delicious Tacos watched the shy, squirmy 18-year-old undress slowly before him. She had trouble taking off her sleeve, getting stymied at the point where it was supposed to go over her neck — so he helped her.

    “Don’t be nervous,” Delish soothed. “This is a first time for me too. I’ve never fucked — I mean, made love — to a commentator.”

    Julia’s face popped up as her shirt pulled free of her face. She looked Delicious Tacos squarely in the eyes and shyly said, “I really love your writing.”

    “Really? What do you like about it?” Delish preened. “I love hearing that. We can talk about me and then we can screw like minks in the bushes. Manic, but friendly! Hot, but not so hot as to blow the lid off this growing, beautiful FRIENDSHIP.”

    She put her hand in her pants, kept it there a few seconds, then pulled it out. “HERE –” she said, thrusting her hand in his face. “SMELL MY MUSK.”

    Delicious Tacos laughed, then waved her off. “You’ve been reading my site, I see.”

    “Yeah, I guess. I don’t know . . . you’re so . . .so . . . _original_. I’ve never run into anyone quite like you.”

    [Nor have I, Sorcerygod says drily off-stage.]

    “But,” Delish protested, “you haven’t been SPECIFIC. Be specific, then I can bang my enormous nut sack repeatedly against your ass cheeks. You’ll feel like the Bells of Notre Dame are ringing a flesh symphony against your pudenda-gates.”

    [Okay, Delish would NOT write like that. But I like it. And so I wrote it. *sticks tongue out*]

    Julia sat down, smoothing her hair through sticky fingers covered in cunt-musk, head bowed in thought.

    “I think it’s because you’re so arrogant and yet so twisted, I mean, so self-doubting. It’s a really winning combination. You come across as confident — that’s Game 101 — and you come across as insecure — and that’s Vulnerability Game.”

    [Sigh. Okay, so no chick would talk like this. So sue me. I’m getting to the sex part now. Let’s fast-forward.]

    Julia lay back on the big bed with the mirror overhead on the ceiling. Delicious Tacos climbed on top of her, holding his manhood in one hand. As he slid inside, the warm, wet tightness of her — pulsing and new — was orgasmic, almost enough to set him off right away. So different from the 40-year-olds like Nikol! Delicious Tacos began to build up a rhythm that emphasized his own pleasure, knowing she would like it more if he selfishly satisfied himself, not worrying about whether she was liking it or not.

    The Kwirky King of Los Angeles pinned her arms down on either side of her, and ran a tongue up her chin from underneath her neck to her cute little snub-nose, which was sniffling and breathing heavily. Before she could turn her head away, Delicious snapped at her cheekbones with his jaws, growling and humming.

    “What — what are you doing?”

    “You told me I was an original,” Delicious panted.

    “Should I touch myself?”

    “Please do.”

    As Julia played with her clitoris, and as the probing, driving of Delicious Tacos continued, the ghost of Delish’s cat walked sedately into the room.

    Delish stopped fucking.

    “It’s Fluffers!” he said, amazed.

    The cat sat on the girl’s pussy.

    “Wow!” Delish murmured. “That’s pussy-on-pussy action.” He turned his face to face the camera squarely, and winked. “And buy my next book, THE PUSSY, TWO.”

    [And buy MY NEXT BOOK, Sorcerygod’s _SKULL WATERS: BURN THE OCEAN_, Book 1 oa a Trilogy that’s gonna give me a world of money to shower on Delicous Tacos’s head when he joins me in Toronto to work and write beside me . . . .”

    Come see me at my new and final and permanent website, Delish. That’s an order, Shakespeare. It is:

    See you there . . .

    • Kaywhole#1191 October 1, 2016 at 12:17 am #

      Man, I love these comments. You’re so crazy.

    • Comment 73451 October 1, 2016 at 12:44 am #

      for you, greg.

    • AChimichangaChalupaBastardChild October 1, 2016 at 1:26 am #

      Julia? What is this, the 40s?

      • No, this is our beloved author pulling a George Stark October 1, 2016 at 8:18 am #

        …he did hint at going in a new direction.
        Hopefully I’m right and Poutine Pete’s a nom de plume.

  18. No Name For This October 1, 2016 at 12:32 pm #

    DT, if you would be so kind as to lift the Twitter blackout on occasion I would be terribly grateful. It’s looking more and more like you’re going to be kidnapped and I’d be glad to know when it happens, so I can stop expecting more blog posts and move on with my life.

    Although if the kidnapping is anything like the erotica, it’ll be more “situation comedy” and less “dark thriller.”

  19. SORCERYGOD October 5, 2016 at 4:06 pm #

    (OCTOBER 5) — FROM SORCERYGOD (“Greg Nikolic”)

    (news) Okay, Delish, I’m going to start adding daily updates to your website.

    It’s time you got to know me.

    A while back, you went to my (now-defunct, sadly dead) site and read my review of yourself as Delicious Tacos the writer. Basically, I said you were great and you amusingly
    dropped a one-line comment at the end of it: “I completely agree.”

    Anyway, just to remind you AGAIN, and I’ll try to limit the plugs, I am developing my site at:

    I hope you weren’t too offended by my using you as a sex-puppet in a story. I mean no disrespect . . . mostly. *winks*

    Anyway, your site of course is far bigger than mine, and we’re both minnows in the media-world, even the blogosphere world.

    BUT the difference is I’m going to be a big-name commercial writer someday — on a par with Stephen King or James Patterson — and I’m going to, TO REPEAT ONCE AGAIN, form a mass-media corporation called “QUADELITEDOM” to peddle my wares.

    Just to remind you,

    I want YOU — Delicious Tacos — to serve as Vice-President of Mass Media.

    I have read your entire oeuvre from start to finish, and I know you worked in Hollywood as a secretary. Your article on “You’ll Never Be A Screenwriter” was hilarious — and completely untrue.

    Because one of the things WE’RE (you & me, brah) are gonna do in MegaToronto is make feature films together. I figure, why bother crashing the gatekeepers of the industry when I can BE the industry?

    My breakout series of novels — which I’ll convert to visual media films — is called


    and is all about a tribe of purple-skinned (don’t laugh, please, you’ll you’ll HURT MY FEELINGS) cat-men who seduce and practically alpha-rape willing “pink Earth Girls.”

    Imagine a cross between “Days of Our Lives,” “Harry Potter” and “50 Shades of Grey.”


    I’m sure Dad will be proud.

    Anyway, you can visit my site if you want. I put new articles up daily, including samples of my fiction.

    I want myself LODGED IN YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS. If you ever plan on making $750,000 a year (Canadian dollars, that’s about a buck fifty in U.S. currency ….. kidding) with me in Toronto, and chasing Toronto cuties, you’ll need to at least read my posts in your comments section.

    Once again, to see me, go to

    I will write more tomorrow — and every day, except holidays in Canada.

    Hey — unlike you, I got a second writer for my site. He’s Major Styles and he’s going to be Vice-President of Inter-Corporate (and Governmental) Relations, ALSO making $750,000 like you.

    Now where the fuck am I gonna get this money . . .?

    Oh, yeah.

    *coldly, and leaning forward*


    • No Name For This October 7, 2016 at 10:53 am #

      I was trying to put my finger on what drives me crazy about the way you write, Crazy Dude, and now I remember. I did that *awkwardly acts something out* thing when I was a teenager on AOL Messenger. Long ago, when the internet was wild and we played in the green fields of Yahoo! Chat. It makes me wonder whether you have the same base level of cringe that I had then, or if you’re just about the same age I was. Either way, thanks for the memories.


  1. Word from the Dark Side, 9/14/16 | SovietMen - September 14, 2016

    […] Tacos is looking for a girl who is a loser.  In the comments he gets an expression of interest from a teenager and he finally […]

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