Weekend Journal: Your Pussy Your Problem

11 Dec

txt-3

I was up at 6AM Saturday. Two missed calls and a text time stamped midnight. I have Astrid’s phone. She said to call you. It’s kind of an emergency.

I can’t get afraid girls are dead anymore. All I thought was: if you send a text like this you better explain, faggot. Some day I’ll wake up to a text that she’s dead. I accept this. But it better say: Astrid is dead. Not can you call me it’s kind of urgent. Don’t be a chick about it.

Also: your pussy your problem. If you’re high with her you’re fucking her. You broke it you bought it. Roll her on her stomach. I’ve done this 100 times. When she starts OD’ing she fights any attempt to save her life. She’ll bite you. Don’t be afraid to pop her one. It feels good, like you’re a detective in an old movie. If you really think it’s bad call 911. She’ll wake up suddenly. She wants you to think she’s dying but she doesn’t want bills. She wants you to hit her and rape her while she’s unconscious. Trust me. I met her on OKCupid too.

The problem is the other love of my life. Now dead. She’d also bite you when you rolled her over. She took too many pills one night. I couldn’t wake her up. This made me mad so I went outside and kicked her car over and over. Walked home; on the way there was a beautiful ornamental tree in flower on the sidewalk. I climbed up it and ripped it in half. Ten years now I’ve driven by that tree, on Berendo south of Franklin. It never grew back. It’s next to another specimen of the same tree that I did not rip in half, which has flourished and flowers beautifully every year. Every time I drive by I think “sorry, tree.” Things don’t grow back. They don’t get better.

Her dying broke the theory that they just get over it. She can die from this. She will. One day I’ll get the text. A matter of time. Will it happen now when I’m still hurt. Still think about my cat every day. My dad. Her. It’s like sickness and you don’t know when it will end. The new normal, being like this. Until I’m dead my fucking self. Which is coming. 40– how bad can it be, I thought. It’s just another year. I aged ten years in six months. My hair is white wires; the skin under my eyes looks like the prop nut sack from Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa. My deltoids withered. It can be bad.

I’ll have is she dead playing in back of my mind until I hear from her. Accept it. It’s never a text that you inherited 2 million dollars. It’s always: she’s dead.

I went to the Alcoholics Anonymous pancake breakfast. I had to speak about the virtues of General Service. Afterward I flirted with a woman on the sidewalk. She wasn’t having it. I hope she relapses and drives off a bridge. Her name is Amanda. When I see her at meetings I think of a song that goes:

Amanda

It is my plan-da

To get my dick in your hand-a

After that I had to get my brakes serviced in City of Industry. Anna texted me. Her friend died too. I try to support her. She lives in France with a chiseled six foot eight Algerian coke dealer now. I should have had her move in with me and be my wife and have my baby. But she fucked a bartender on her third day of knowing me. Then a fucking black slam poet who deals ecstasy the day after she flew back from falling in love with me. They’re all the same. Look I’d fuck bartenders too but I’m too tired. I’m bringing him back to meet my family, she said. I want her to be happy, but honey if you do five grams of pure coke every day then stop– things will be different. Both of you will gain weight at least.

The Subaru dealership was backed up. They said it would take three hours for an oil change. Well I have an appointment, I explained. May I see a manager. The manager said sometimes you go to the doctor with an appointment but you have to wait in the waiting room. Motherfucker if you were taking out my tumor that would be one thing; I said. Everyone looked up. They put me at the head of the line. If I kill someone it will be because of customer service.

Since I was near San Bernardino County I visited El Chuco. He keeps a squat in Upland for porn actresses. As I rang the doorbell I heard him explaining when he comes in you’re gonna be naked. Don’t ask his name. He’s gonna fuck you and cum in you and then I’m gonna fuck you after. She wasn’t having it. She scurried by bent over her phone, out to the back yard where she squinted at Facebook and smoked cigarettes. I’m sorry, he said, she’s shy. It’s fine dude– I have low blood sugar I think. Do you have, like, some Triscuits.

I fucked her raw in the guest room. I have to talk to hookers to get hard. I have four years of sobriety, she said, clearly high on meth. She had a tight pussy but was preoccupied with her custody dispute. He invited me back out today to film a gang bang. I’m valuable in porn since I cum at will. The actress will be made up like Fiona from Shrek. I think I’ll play The Witcher 3 instead.

At night I went to Porfirio’s Christmas party. His Welsh corgi wore a collar made of Christmas lights. I wanted to complain there were no girls, but there were a lot. One was perfect. He introduced me. I was on somehow. Sometimes I’m retarded but sometimes I’m a wizard. Plus I just came in a tweaker. I kept talking to her then going away. All game is that second part. When I was leaving I found her. What do you think of LA, she said.

I don’t want to get too dark.

Tell me.

Well I’m fucking forty years old and I’ll die alone. I’ll never hold my first child in my arms. That’s because of Los Angeles. It’s over; my life is over because of this city so now I’ll work five years, save money, go to Lincoln, Montana. Live in a cabin and make bombs and write a manifesto. Why don’t you come with me, I said. I’ll feed you elk meat and keep you pregnant.

Her friend said Jesus Christ she likes you. I can’t believe you’re fucking up like this. But I wasn’t. I gotta go but put your number in my phone, I said. She gave it to me. I’m tall and I have a good haircut.

**********

My book is now cheap on Amazon.

21 Responses to “Weekend Journal: Your Pussy Your Problem”

  1. Atlanta Man December 11, 2016 at 2:37 pm #

    The first chick I ever really fell in love with became a stripper because we needed money. She dumped me for a rich guy she met at the strip club, she did not tell me this at the time. Months later she called me begging to get back together, not knowing about the rich guy, I was thrilled. Turns out the rich guy was rich because he was committing fraud and was arrested by the Feds, which is when she called me to get back together. I eventually found out everything because women do nothing else if not tell everyone everything about themselves constantly.

    After I found out the truth I treated her like shit , hated her , and abused the shit out of her as a result of these revelations. I also slept around with everyone and did not bother to conceal it. She then decided she was a lesbian and left me again. I was heartbroken even though I drove her away. She would not come back, and ignored my calls. Took me a year to get over her. In that year she dumped her girlfriend , got a new boyfriend and quit doing cocaine, XTC , and meth- this had a profound effect on her weight, she got fat. The next time I saw her she was 40 pounds overweight and I had no attraction to her, and I was dating a 17 year old Russian girl here in the US on a tennis scholarship.

    In short when your exgirlfriend gets fat and you are dating a teenager no matter what happened in the past you win.

    • Anonymous December 12, 2016 at 12:26 am #

      No one cares

    • Anonymous December 12, 2016 at 12:27 am #

      No one cares.

      • Atlanta Man December 12, 2016 at 5:02 am #

        Thanks for not caring…..twice.

    • Nikolai Vladivostok December 12, 2016 at 4:29 am #

      You gotta moderate these comments. CEO Nikolic sounds like he’s channeling Elliot Roger.

  2. K-hole December 11, 2016 at 4:44 pm #

    Nice job with the girl.

  3. porn addict December 11, 2016 at 10:25 pm #

    What’s the name of the porn starlet in the Upland girl house? I want to look her up on PornHub or RedTube and beat off to her tweaker ass.

    • Anonymous December 12, 2016 at 12:26 am #

      *beat off to the idea of being her when you fucked her.

  4. Anonymous December 12, 2016 at 12:24 am #

    You fucked someone who gets paid to fuck people. So accomplished. And then entertain men who think women are all covert whores and if they’re overt they’re just scum. Good for you, bro. No irony or hypocrisy. Just stupidity.

    • Atlanta Man December 12, 2016 at 5:06 am #

      All women receive money one way or another for fucking. Maybe the restaurant or bar serves as the middle man in the transaction, but pussy is paid for one way or another. At least whores and pornstars are upfront with it, it is an honest relationship. God bless those women.

      • Anonymous December 12, 2016 at 2:30 pm #

        Thanks for proving the point.

  5. Anonymous December 12, 2016 at 3:56 am #

    So, like, is Astrid fucking dead or what?

    • Atlanta Man December 12, 2016 at 5:07 am #

      Look at DT’s Twitter ,she is alive and commenting on this post .

      • Anonymous December 12, 2016 at 2:31 pm #

        Which comments are hers?

      • Atlanta Man December 12, 2016 at 2:33 pm #

        The text messages he is posting from his phone.

      • Anonymous December 14, 2016 at 6:15 pm #

        Yeah bu which comments are hers on this post?

      • Anonymous December 14, 2016 at 6:20 pm #

        You must be new

  6. emptysubject December 12, 2016 at 5:24 pm #

    Thanks for being alive

  7. Bonnes Tacos December 14, 2016 at 7:29 am #

    Tell me, master, does life really have to be so grotesque and painful and meaningless? Yes, in LA.

    I liked this one, if that’s the word, I’ve re-read it a few times. The piece with the porn girl rang all too true. Well, so much for the pimp hand. It can’t beat Facebook.

    As I rang the doorbell I heard him explaining when he comes in you’re gonna be naked. Don’t ask his name. He’s gonna fuck you and cum in you and then I’m gonna fuck you after. She wasn’t having it. She scurried by bent over her phone, out to the back yard where she squinted at Facebook and smoked cigarettes.

  8. 3diablo2016 December 15, 2016 at 10:48 pm #

    You sir, are a gentleman.

  9. Raindog the Cat January 16, 2017 at 11:01 pm #

    Fiona from Shrek is hot, what a wasted opportunity

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