delicioustacos

Was I able to resolve your issue today, said customer service.

Absolutely, thank you. So I’m getting a credit for $36.75.

I’ll put that in the system sir yes. For the credit to be issued I have to put you on a brief hold. I’m going to send you over to the department that’s actually authorized for that.

Wait what-

I can put the credit in your file. But the credit has to be issued by the cancellation department-

But they’ll be able to see that I should get the credit, right?

They’ll have access to my notes yes.

How long will I be on hold-

Unfortunately I have no way of knowing that sir. I’m transferring you now-

WAIT, he said. But jazz music was playing. A trumpet ascending over Latin rhythms. Did you know that most billing questions can be answered online at Fulcrum dot com? Log in now to view your account, review billing details, and make payment arrangements. Continue reading →

I knew a man who worked in an office with no windows. Gray vinyl floors and white walls and LED lights. Three black screens folding out from each other and a dishwater color printer that beeped when it wanted something. Continue reading →

This post is from my Substack, where I’m posting new material.

**

Wake up, said the money. I need you to do something.

Already?

He’d been unemployed ten days. He’d saved half a million dollars. He’d dreamed for nine years. Every day. Please let them fire me. They did.

That day he went to his Google Spreadsheet and looked at the money. Stocks had dipped. The money was $499,908.

No matter.

$164,845 was in retirement accounts. Untouchable without penalty. Of the rest, $143,259 was invested. Securities that should grow. Untouchable without losing.

$191,802 was uninvested cash. Annual expenses $76,568. If he earned no money whatsoever. If his unemployment claim were rejected. If no stock nor bond ever yielded another dividend. He could live comfortably, without touching investments, for 2.54 years.

927 days, 2 hours

And 24 minutes

She’s pregnant, said the money. Continue reading →

I now post new content on my Substack. It’s $5 a month.

**

I knew a Mexican girl who wanted to make a man love her. She went to a witch who sacrificed a chicken. She paid $200.

The witch went to the Chinese poultry store. She lit a circle of candles in the park at night. She cut the chicken’s neck with a razor. Murmuring incantations under the moon. Great spirits, take away what lies between them. The chicken thrashed around and bled out. Continue reading →

I’m posting new OC on Substack. I’ve been entertaining you free for 12 years. You owe me thousands of dollars. Subscribe now.

I met her at Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Continue reading →

On his birthday she’d caught Sammy masturbating into a pair of her panties. She was supposed to get him dressed and take him to their parents’ house for the party. She got him in a collared shirt and his best pants and packed up the candles in the shape of 2-0. Went to blow dry her hair and when she came out he was in his chair hunched over his crotch and it looked like he was shaking. I thought he was having a seizure, she said. I was so scared– Continue reading →

Peter Marlow/ Magnum

On her 12^th birthday her mother gave her a red envelope from the mail. The family was poor. The father a drunk. The kids beat her up at school. The envelope had no return address. The upper left hand corner just said:

A GIFT

Well open it, said her mother. And she did.

It was a check for one million dollars. Continue reading →

1.

In December a boy was born. Healthy and beautiful. His father looked up. Smiling until he saw the man waiting by the window. Gaunt in a black suit black hat. White hair. The man looked at the father. Then the boy. Then the father again. Tipped his hat and was gone. Continue reading →