Tag Archives: grammar

Hey Everybody:

15 Mar

Shut the fuck up about grammar. Especially shut the fuck up about “they’re,” “their” and “there” and “you’re” and “your.”  And especially especially shut the fuck up about textspeak.  We lost that battle.  As a society, we lost the fight; in the future, we are all going to be using “r” for “are” and “u” for “you” and generally constructing sentences as though we were building a custom license plate.

Shut the fuck up in a general sense with grammar prescriptivism, because: the people who you think need your message most are never, ever going to listen to you.  You are pushing Zionism to a guy wearing an explosive vest.  You are pitching a Palestinian homeland to a guy who can’t turn the lights on on Saturdays and won’t touch a strange woman just in case she’s menstruating. You are never going to make even one iota of headway and there is nothing more irritating on Earth than a self-appointed copy editor.

Fuck “Your” and “You’re”

10 Feb

and “there,” “their” and “they’re–” I need a chick who throws a diæresis in “coöperate,” and an “æ” in “diæresis,” but doesn’t use a diæresis in “diæresis” because you are not, without this forewarning, going to pronounce “diæresis” as though “iæ” were a a monosyllabic diphthong. I need a chick who carefully searches for the correct combination of keys to make a circumflex over “rôle,” but ONLY when discussing a part played by an actor.  I need a chick who says “AN historian.”  In fact, she better really hammer the “ANNNNN” in a sly nod to anyone else out there who thinks someone who says “a historian” is an illiterate savage.  I wouldn’t date anyone who says “I would like” unless they’re talking about some counterfactual fantasy universe.  I wouldn’t like to date that person.  See, I can say it, because I’m not really ever gonna hear someone say “I would like to go out with you” outside of a counterfactual fantasy universe.  I’m never gonna hear someone use the correct “I should like to go out with you,” either, but I WOULD really fucking like to date that person.  She’d have studied classics and she’d use words like “Grecism” pronounced as though it had a cédille, but she would cringe a little every time because pronouncing a “c” like that is the fucking opposite of a Grecism.

Also, no fat chicks.