Tag Archives: henry viii

Everything Used to Suck Monster Balls,

1 Apr

and now it completely kicks ass in comparison.

For instance: geopolitical affairs.  Yes, we got wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.  Paul Kony going all crazy witch doctor and giving a bunch of kids guns that they don’t know which end the bullet comes out.  Well, when I was a kid, there was a place called the fucking USSR that had thousands upon thousands of multimegaton nuclear warheads pointed at your house and the entire world lived under the threat of total annihilation via thermonuclear war.  It wasn’t gonna be a clean death, either.  You would get directly incinerated by a nuclear blast if you were lucky, otherwise you would just have half your face blistered off and then suffer from accelerated cancer that turned you into a bubonic mutant.  And your very genes would be mangled, so that you had no hope of repopulating the earth.  Your children and your children’s children would be hideous flipper-limbed sentient tumors, and the water would be poisoned for ten thousand years and the sky would be full of lethal clouds fifteen miles thick and every food crop would wither and die and if they didn’t you wouldn’t want to eat them anyway because they would be full of cancerous poison.  And you would have dreams about it, as a kid– about once a week you would dream that there was global thermonuclear holocaust and you survived somehow but your parents were dead and the water was poisoned.  Because you’d turn on the TV and Ronald Reagan would be talking some hardass smack about how dangerous Russia was and we were gonna fight ’em and not roll over and that would sink into your head and all your dreams were about the end of the world, when you were eight years old.  What do kids have nightmares about now, 9/11?  Maybe kids in New York can get away with that shit, but we all know nothing is going to happen to you in Indiana.  9/11 isn’t shit.  Your real nightmare should be that no one even cares enough about you to bomb you. What are we afraid of now– Israel vs. Iran?  Who cares.  Continue reading