Tag Archives: lamprey as a fleshlight

Dear (REDACTED),

11 Sep

Having you as a girlfriend would be like having a wolverine as a pet.  I don’t want you as a girlfriend. I would rather have a lamprey as a fleshlight than have you as a girlfriend.

But goddamit, I also do want you as a girlfriend.  In that little place where, you know, most chicks don’t stick with you; you go on a couple dates with them, maybe you fuck them a few times, but you don’t wake up on your couch with your boner going into your pillow and think for just a second that you’re waking up next to them.  And it’s the sweetest second of your life. That little place, where like, that cute chick from work that you IM with all day, and when she says that she had a fight with her boyfriend your heart kind of gets ahead of your mind and you get a headrush for a second. And then the next day she says they got back together and it’s like your dog died.  And your eyes tear up a little.  You can’t help it.  Probably if she saw it she would think you’re a fucking chump, because, you know, nothing earns a woman’s contempt like being into her.

I don’t know what it is. You are a ridiculous wastrel who is probably a decade away from being done fucking boys in bands.  But still.