Dear (REDACTED),

11 Sep

Having you as a girlfriend would be like having a wolverine as a pet.  I don’t want you as a girlfriend. I would rather have a lamprey as a fleshlight than have you as a girlfriend.

But goddamit, I also do want you as a girlfriend.  In that little place where, you know, most chicks don’t stick with you; you go on a couple dates with them, maybe you fuck them a few times, but you don’t wake up on your couch with your boner going into your pillow and think for just a second that you’re waking up next to them.  And it’s the sweetest second of your life. That little place, where like, that cute chick from work that you IM with all day, and when she says that she had a fight with her boyfriend your heart kind of gets ahead of your mind and you get a headrush for a second. And then the next day she says they got back together and it’s like your dog died.  And your eyes tear up a little.  You can’t help it.  Probably if she saw it she would think you’re a fucking chump, because, you know, nothing earns a woman’s contempt like being into her.

I don’t know what it is. You are a ridiculous wastrel who is probably a decade away from being done fucking boys in bands.  But still.

11 Responses to “Dear (REDACTED),”

  1. sylviasarah September 11, 2012 at 11:01 pm #

    1.A wasteful or good-for-nothing person.
    2.A waif; a neglected child.

    Which one?

  2. Jake September 12, 2012 at 9:17 am #

    Translated in French, that would probably sound like some sort of dark, lustful, profound poetry.

  3. Anonymous September 12, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    lamprey as a fleshlight. Sad to say that I know what a fleshlight is.

    • collapseofman September 13, 2012 at 4:00 am #

      More embarrassed to say I forgot what a lamprey was

  4. fake girlfriend September 12, 2012 at 6:53 pm #

    The kind of Pathetic BS only redacteds would fall for.
    I bet your couch is fed the fuck up with your boners (BTW).

  5. fake girlfriend September 12, 2012 at 6:59 pm #

    I hope she leaves you when you buckle

    • sylviasarah September 12, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

      AH!!! Are you saying he actually has a girlfriend?! He currently has someone who can leave him when he buckles? And, you you sound more like a real not friend than a fake girlfriend.

      • sylviasarah September 13, 2012 at 8:05 am #

        *real bad friend. Sounds a little better.

  6. Phuk Yoo September 14, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

    She loves me, she loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not.

    Should I have her as my girlfriend? Should he have me as my boyfriend?

    This blog entry is gay. For christ’s sake, suit up.

  7. TAllagash September 16, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    awesome.

  8. Anonymous September 22, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

    nummy

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