Tag Archives: unicorns

The Unicorn

8 Jan

image stolen from the unicorn gallery at http://piecesofmyheart.org/

He lived alone. It had been years now. Women liked him once but these days he couldn’t get a Tinder match.

One night he went to smoke a cigarette in the park. There was rustling in the sumac bushes. Something screaming; he ran to see what it was. Three coyotes had something pinned. It looked like a white pony, or maybe a giant goat. Some slave animal for Mexican kids’ outdoor birthday parties. Whatever it was it was terrified. The coyotes had clocked him but they were intent enough that he could get close to the big one. Give it a hard boot in the ribs. It was something he’d always dreamed of. Just as he’d dreamed, he felt a rib crack and the thing squealed and ran. The other two, toadies that they were, did too. Continue reading

Good Looking People

15 May

Just talked to my neighbor.  He’s a good looking dude.  This makes me hate him.  The way the poor hate the rich, you know.

Because fuck all other shit– fuck being tall, fuck being in shape, fuck being funny, fuck being smart.  Nothing matters as much as being good looking. Or at least, nothing else can give you that visceral reaction. That gut, hormonal, hindbrain reaction.  Everything the rest of us are doing, with our fastidiously working out and tanning and our jobs and money and funny stories and whateverthefuck– everything else is just man trying to build something that can only be built by God.  Like trying to reverse engineer a unicorn.  They did it, you know; they grafted one goat horn onto the forehead of an unfortunate white circus horse, but the result is this hideous unholy thing.  Even making the effort is gross.

And you can date attractive people, even if you are not one of the one percent of those accidentally blessed with perfect symmetry, a small nose, and an appropriately-sized chin, but you are never going to make them feel the same way, that same instant, unanticipated rush that you get from catching a glimpse of an extremely good-looking person.  That first instant of giving someone jelly-legs is worth infinitely more than all our lifetimes of work.

It Would Mean a Lot to Me, Nicole

18 Feb

if you would move out from Steve’s place and move in with me immediately. I would give you foot rubs and bake you stuff all day. Ice cream for every meal. Unicorn rides. I’m not talking about some gross metaphor for my penis, either, I’m talking about a literal unicorn. I know they’re kind of played out as camp but fuck it, fuck what people think. Unicorn *and* pegasus rides. Uni-pegasus rides. Any shit made from a horse and some other thing, you can ride on it. Centaurs. Hippogriffs. The Sea Monkeys’ aquatic horse.
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