L.A. to Require Condoms in Porn

The TL,DR is that the AIDS Healthcare Foundation and other worrywart types have been trying to get condoms mandated in porn for years.  After various failed tactics, they went for a city council ordinance, which covers the San Fernando Valley.  The epicenter of American porn production.  The idea is that no politician anywhere, ever, can vote for being slack on any kind of fucking-related business without having their career incinerated so except for the one brave soul who voted nay, they all had to go along with it.

And now there are going to be surprise inspections where regulators show up to porn sets and look at the dick going in the vagina, or butthole, and make sure there’s a condom on it.  Which for me, only cements my decision to never watch porn made domestically by a major studio again, ever.

Frankly, I’m stunned that there even is a porn “industry” anymore.  Who fucking watches American porn now?  Who still watches fake tits, and even if it isn’t cartoonishly fake tits it’s obvious weaves, it’s not-even-trying huge fake eyelashes, it’s spray-on tans and artificially bleached gaping assholes and hideous back tattoos from the tat shop’s big stupid trapper keeper of generic drunk Scottsdale Arizona chick art, and rhinestone navel piercings and chicks naked except for lucite heels or some other impractical shoe. And dudes with shaved heads and goatees and steroidally-shrunken waxed nut sacks that call to mind the image of changing a male baby. Which nut sacks these pornographers, despite having had decades to advance in the arts of storyboarding and editing and general production value, still in these porns, at least half the time there is a petal-pink scrotal sac unwrinkling right in the exact place an eye would naturally focus in the frame.  They just can’t resist that from-behind missionary shot with a flexing man-ass eclipsing anything you might want to see. And the women never act convincingly; they are always floridly screaming and talking dirty and getting spat on and begging for a load on their tits or whatever, which no woman, once, ever in history has done for any reason except second-guessing what her douchebag boyfriend might like.

Anyway, so-called “mainstream” porn is a disgusting cockshrinking self-parody, and “alt” porn is always, just, such a gross exaggeration of the alleged fetish. Like, if you want to see a guy cum in a girl, a natural act that people have enjoyed for thousands of years, it has to be her theatrically yelling “cum in my pussy you fucker” and then he pulls out so just the barest tip of his wang is still in so the most possible jizz will graphically ooze out, which she then squeezes into a martini glass on top of a plexiglass coffee table so you can film it from underneath, and then drinks the jizz out of the martini glass– I mean, fuck, man.  I can’t believe the Los Angeles area porn industry hasn’t already collapsed as a result of the crappy fucking porn they put out.  I would sooner fuck my own girlfriend than jack off to this stuff.

And further, I can’t believe it is not known to all sentient human beings that every porn video ever made is available free on dozens of sites in convenient clips that are the exact length it takes you to bust a nut.  And that this democratization of porn has yielded a new golden age where eighteen year old girls from Russia are videotaped fucking attractive guys their own age who look like bass players in Echo Park indie bands . And they are not histrionically screaming SHIT IN MY PUSSY AND KICK ME IN THE TITS NI**ER; they are instead making inchoate mews of pleasure at a plausible pace and volume, just like girls who fuck you in real life.  And the guys are skinny and have messy hair and aside from their huge uncut wangs they resemble the type of person you think your attractive but slightly out of your league waitress might actually have unprotected sex with–  a guy in a band that won’t go anywhere but he will probably settle into a marginally creative job after his dreams play out and have  a normal, productive life. And  the guys either give the girls a natural-seeming deeply injected creampie or sheepishly cum on their belly or ass, just like in real life.

But anyway- condoms in porn. No fucking way, ever, for even one second, obviously. I have never once jerked off to the thought of fucking a girl with a condom, and this is over thousands and thousands of lifetime jerks to every other conceivable sexual scenario on the planet.  Maybe to a condom BREAKING in a chick and giving her the grievous unwanted creampie, but that’s it.  You can have a condom in a porn if it breaks and she cries.  Otherwise, if I see even one INSTANT of condom I am “changing the channel” like my own grandmother popped up taking it in the ass from  Lexington Steele. Of course my lack of patronage has no net effect on the LA porn industry because I never watch their porn to begin with, and if I did I wouldn’t pay for it.  But now no one else is gonna watch that shit either.  No one likes condoms.  I’d rather  personally die of AIDS a thousand times over than have to jerk off to condom porn even once.

Plus, look– the fact that the porn industry has existed for decades and like four people in it have died of AIDS is the most massively successful health care initiative in human history.  More porn stars have probably died from tiger attacks than from AIDS.  From asteroids.

So, the hell with this ridiculous shit.  It’ll just push the industry out of LA ; they’ll go somewhere else and continue having unprotected sex and not getting AIDS, ever.  And there will be  500 abandoned warehouses in Chatsworth now that will get taken over by ROAD WARRIOR type gangs that will rape you and your family and give you AIDS.  That’s what’s gonna happen. You read it here first.