Hipsters

18 May

I am often accused by extremely unhip people of being a hipster. People who wear jeans with a blazer and have short, neat hair cuts, people who have no hobbies and talk about their jobs constantly and are pleased with their professional success use this slur because while I work in the same industry as them I wear tight pants and live in Echo Park and in the scant hours I have outside of the same office doing the same horrible things as these people I occasionally manage to put my penis in a nineteen year old who likes non-mainstream music.  They discuss how I must like drinking Pabst and how they are surprised that I don’t sport an “ironic” mustache.

All this tired, old shit– the tight pants, the mustaches, the Pabst drinking– all these tired old stereotype are in fact completely true; there are scores of these exact people whom you could have made by listening to anti hipster douchebags talk shit and then feeding this info into the computer from WEIRD SCIENCE.  They are real, and they’ve been around for over a decade, and they share the Echo Park streets with their fellow stereotypes, undereducated Mexicans; a guy with a teardrop tattoo pushing a stroller alongside his pregnant seventeen year old wife.  The whole scene looks like something out of Grand Theft Auto, where the game designers wanted to take a tongue in cheek jab at our culture but didn’t have they processing power to make realistic  human beings.

There’s a bar called El Prado that I go to and some nights there is literally not a single other male human being in the place who does not have a Civil War daguerreotype mustache and a flannel shirt and either Chuck Taylors or some kind of vintage dress shoe that is too pointy or some too-weird color to be worn in an office.  And they have a “DJ” some nights, a guy who gets laid by playing records basically– a person who drives me crazy out of jealousy.  DJ’s and photographers- the lowest effort-to-pussy ratio in the world.  I’m not talking about a guy who meticulously beat matches some old Archie Whitewater record with like, pygmy music and creates some crazy orchestral-sounding mindscape that is more than the sum of its parts, I’m talking about a guy who throws on records from a milk crate and plays songs, and people say “he really knows how to get a crowd moving.”  “You don’t understand, it’s really an art form, a great DJ knows how to read a crowd and blah blah blah-” any art form where you have to explain that it’s a great art form because it requires some finesse that is not obvious, is bullshit.  You see, like, an Ansel Adams photograph, and you know that while the machine did a lot of work, the motherfucker knew how to frame a  mountain.  No one had to explain that Rodin was really good at moving a crowd with his statues.

Anyway, I hate hipsters.  I hate them for the same reason everyone else does: because they get more pussy than me. I hate them because they do things I only dream about, such as starting a band, while I am being browbeaten under florescent lights and acoustical tile. I hate them because they pick over the clothes at the Salvation Army at 11am on a Tuesday and take all the good shit first, while I am working.

I hate them because if being a DJ is so fucking easy and gets you so much pussy why didn’t you do it, and the answer is: because I’m a chickenshit. And they’re not. They can take my hate all the way up into a sweet piece of ass with pink hair out behind El Prado while I’m already asleep dreaming about getting chewed out over a memo.  We can laugh at their stupid mustache, but, who’s laughing now, you know?

16 Responses to “Hipsters”

  1. Heather May 18, 2012 at 10:13 am #

    You fucking hipster with your vintage corduroy pants, tight T-shirts, rhinestone childrens’ jewelry-making 1950’s housewife food while trying to fuck 18 year old American Apparel models that aren’t even that attractive and don’t eat cuz they’re too high on coke… get real- just because you fake tan, work on your abs daily and aren’t the new dorky-chic Barry Goldwater genre of hipster, doesn’t mean you’re not as cliche as the rest. Didn’t you know? Hipsterism has subdivisions nowdays- don’t worry, no one thinks you’re out of place at El Prado… well, they might think you’re old.

    Anyhow, with that said, you know you’re rad.

    x

    • nikolhasler May 18, 2012 at 10:40 am #

      I’ve been trying to figure out what it is about hipster girls that I don’t like. Because, shit, I love looking at them. And I am down with their big glasses and ugly sweaters. They’re even downright motherfucking friendly.

      So, thank you for nailing it. They bug me because they take all of the hipster dick, leaving me to have to screw the fucking nerds.

      • aneroidocean February 20, 2013 at 2:12 pm #

        You WANT hipster dick?

        They are so feminine it’s disgusting.

    • Anonymous May 21, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

      Your entries seem more dispassionate as of late.

      • Anonymous May 21, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

        Or maybe just rote.

      • Anonymous February 20, 2013 at 3:11 pm #

        shut the fuck up and write something worthwhile yourself

  2. nikolhasler May 18, 2012 at 10:41 am #

    I’ve been trying to figure out what it is about hipster girls that I don’t like. Because, shit, I love looking at them. And I am down with their big glasses and ugly sweaters. They’re even downright motherfucking friendly.

    So, thank you for nailing it. They bug me because they take all of the hipster dick, leaving me to have to screw the fucking nerds.

  3. Anonymous May 18, 2012 at 1:01 pm #

    hipsters are just dirty hippies who decided to put on a sweater. they stay up late gleaning whatever info they can from wiki-gawker and drop that shit into convo while drinking wine with gum in their mouths. they think that buying organic peanut butter and american apparel (as if there is such a thing as sweatshop-free?) is a form of service, a contribution to society when really it’s just plain fucking indolence. and why drink pabst when you can drink your own piss in a cup? no one looks good in skinny pants but the 2% while everyone else needs some H&M plastic belt to hold their blubber up. and i don’t understand how guys who wear them get laid and get paid: you can’t rule the world in skinny pants. sick of hipster chicks with their bullshit bangs – seriously, who can pull off the banged look but zoey-fucking-d, the ultimate poster girl for hipsterdom? but she’s hot, so yeah.

  4. Anonymous May 19, 2012 at 2:17 am #

    In all fairness, if you threw on “Brainfreeze” by DJ Shadow and Cut Chemist you would still have to explain to the average person how the record took great finesse to put together. And that’s the closest thing to meticulously beatmatching old Archie Whitewater (whoever the fuck that is) records I can think of. DJ’ing is pretty much a thankless art form no matter what the skill level.

    • aneroidocean February 20, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

      Thankless except that if you get half decent gigs you pretty much have DJ groupies who are usually young, cute, and ready to get fucked.

      I don’t know about you, but most men LOVE getting cute young pussy.

  5. Anonymous May 21, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    I really don’t mind nerds. Be a nerd.

    • aneroidocean February 20, 2013 at 2:18 pm #

      I wouldn’t mind hipsters if it weren’t for the fact that they’re JUST as much trend-following “let’s do what’s popular” as the people they think they are better than. Usually they are pseudo intellectual without any real worldly experience/knowledge and couldn’t think their way out of a paper bag with anything but a first world problem.

      Also, what the fuck is up with skinny jeans being worn while sagging? I almost have more respect for the gang bangers wearing their gigantic clothing that’s sagging off their ass, at least they’re consistent.

    • Anonymous February 21, 2013 at 1:39 pm #

      There are a lot of hot nerd girls. And unlike hipsters they tend to actually know what the fuck they are talking about. There’s a place where I live called geekdom. It’s essentially an office building that rents space to starts-ups at below market rates in exchange for mentoring hot young geek girls. There are so many hot Indian chicks there. I’m calling it now, Indian is going to be the next fetishized minority in this country after all the Latinas and Asian chicks have been fucked sore.

  6. Dr. Illusion February 21, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

    Hipsters are retards.

    Pabst is fucking awesome.

    Men sxhould not wear skinny jeans.

    Here in the South we beat the shit out of hipsters and drag them behind our trucks.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] eyes would have been drawn directly to it. However, I was so taken by the beautiful writings about hipsters, Chuck Berry filming ladies making doo-doo, and Kenny Rogers that I never looked at his stupid […]

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