My Future Retarded Child

24 May

I am thirty six years old and just at the age where my ball sack is becoming full of retards.  If I met my soul mate TOMORROW I would have kids by age 39 at the very minimum, and I am not going to meet my soul mate tomorrow.  If you extrapolate current trends, I am forecast to meet my soul mate never.  Or even someone who would not get an abortion if I impregnated them.  So by the time I have kids they will be virtually guaranteed to have severe chromosome damage and have to blow themselves around in special wheelchairs.  They will have to wear corrective skull helmets and occasionally have the strength of a bear when startled.  They will probably want to watch LIFE GOES ON reruns constantly.  I’m going to have to buy another television because I need that shit for Xbox.

They will have to go to a special school and be constantly monitored.  Not because they might set themselves on fire but because, and this is true– unattended retarded teens left alone for any length of time will immediately degrade into an unprotected fuckfest.  Seriously, the second you turn your back, my brother the special education teacher tells me, they are immediately and indiscriminately fucking.

So maybe this life isn’t so bad.  Maybe I shouldn’t be afraid to bring a person like this into the world.  You have a nice structured day, bus rides everywhere, nice sandwich with the crusts cut off at lunch and then every unsupervised moment you have you are just balls deep in some other mongoloid.

15 Responses to “My Future Retarded Child”

  1. Anonymous May 24, 2012 at 9:56 am #

    That’s not necesarrily true. Anecdotal but still relevant, my parents had their last kid in their late fourties and she’s smarter than the rest of us were at her age.
    And, at the risk of sounding groupy_ish, I would totally have your babies.

  2. nikolhasler May 24, 2012 at 12:47 pm #

    Since I take every single thing you write very seriously, I just wanted to say that I think you’d make a great father, and I bet lots of women would have sex with you. Also, I know a lot of resources are out there for people who have chromosomal damage, and your risk is not as high as you-

    OHGODFUCKINGDAMMIT, the part about “Life Goes On” made me laugh while I was drinking water. Great job, as usual, fuckface.

  3. Anonymous May 24, 2012 at 11:01 pm #

    Having a reatard child is a fate worse than death. Luckily for you, sperm is created daily. It’s only female age that matters. Additionally, eggs aren’t subject to any kind of competition…strong sperm are the ones who get to the egg, because they beat others out for it. Eggs just sit there even if they’re all nasty assmamd still get fertilized. This is also why so many diseases are x chromosome linked.

    • nikolhasler May 25, 2012 at 10:30 am #

      What you’re saying is, DT is justified in his constant and glorious mission to rawdog 19 year olds. Those 19 year olds have healthy, non-retarded eggs. Sure, the girls aren’t the brightest, but they’re 19. They’re not in danger of passing down “Being dumb and 19”, especially with such a strong genetic contribution on the other side.

      • Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 11:56 am #


    • Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 11:09 am #

      Actually, there have been studies that show that men’s sperm decline in all ways as they age.

      • Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 12:00 pm #

        It shows a decline (and the term “may” is in the title so that’s telling) but that article has zero bearing on the selection factor and it’s nowhere near suggesting that men and women have similar levels of genetic bullets waiting to blow the brains out their kids as they age.
        Don’t unnecessarily try to worry someone who already worries…not about the things he should, but still.

  4. Anonymous May 24, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

    Retarded child.* typo.

  5. Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

    Rest easy. All you bring to the table is the possibility of inability to impregnate, miscarriage, dwarfism and Apert Syndrome.

  6. Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

    Can all of you just blow yourselves?

    • Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 5:33 pm #

      If I could, I wouldn’t have a profile on OkCupid.

  7. Anonymous May 28, 2012 at 9:45 pm #

    So lonely you all must be, but what would we ever do without you nerds??

    • Anonymous May 29, 2012 at 12:24 am #

      You’re taking it kind of deep. I think most negative comments are coming from the opinion that it doesn’t actually matter. He’s just making excuses.

  8. mike May 29, 2012 at 1:04 pm #

    Luckily there is a special place in hell for someone like you. Enjoy!


  1. Old Dads’ Shriveled Five-headed Sperm Makes Their Kids Autistic and Crazy « delicioustacos - August 22, 2012

    […] Whenever I talked about how my kids are going to have severe mental impairments because I’m so old, everyone would reassuringly jump in with “no, the father’s age doesn’t matter […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: