I have a hernia, I think. And my nuts hurt, too… or rather that muscle right under my nuts, the cremaster. I was about to take a piss at the office; there are three urinals– two normal ones and one short midget one– and I go for the one in the corner, and this agent walks in, short guy… and instead of going for the midget urinal on the other side like etiquette would dictate he has to go for the middle one right next to me. And normally I don’t get stage fright but this fucker looked at me just as I was taking my dick out of my shorts and made this sort of meaningful eye contact– not a homo thing but this weird kind of contemplative, philosophical look, and I had to really ponder this guy’s inchoate preverbal communication for a second while I was also very conscious of the smooth warm flesh of my penis in the other hand… and it weirded me out.
But then he started pissing like normal and you know I had to start pissing too; he’s standing right next to me and he’s going to hear if I make no sound, and somehow his weird deeply thoughtful look is going to make it apparent that he caused me to have stage fright, and so I just had to strain like a motherfucker, through blinding pain, to squirt out this tiny token hiss of urine to convince this guy… and I think i gave myself a hernia.