The Only Girl I Wanted to Message Me Back

13 Aug

Found a girl on OKCupid.  Cute.  Redhead.  Lot of tattoos.  Looked kind of chubby but a nice face.  Kind of chubby = you have a shot.

Her profile was all about gaming.  How she’s a big nerd and obsessed with video games and Zelda and Metroid and Skyrim and blah blah blah.  Lot of girls are like this.  If they’re hot, it means they’re hookers or spammers. And she looked like a hooker.  Slut it up on the internet and get some unlaid geek’s money.  Bad idea to even try, but… she was hot.

Googled her username; turns out it’s her general nom de plume: she is legitimately into video games. She is a video game journalist and goes to conventions in costume and writes articles for Kotaku and stuff.  Obviously she can have a career doing this because she is an attractive woman with large breasts and nerds want to beat off, but still.  She actually plays and likes video games.

I don’t give a shit about video games, really, but– at least this person has something going on in her life that I can send her a message about. Not just astrology and I love my fucking Pomeranian and etc. like most hot girls.  Now I am interested in her.  She is at that perfect sweet spot– hot, but not so hot that she’d never message you back.  And she looks like a whore.  I am the king of OKCupid.  If I send this girl a message, she will go on a date with me, and we will have unprotected sex.

So I’m excited and I keep cyberstalking her and I search for her name in videos so I can hear her talk and holy god damn mother of fuck she’s doing hardcore porn with a massively endowed black dude.  It’s the rare modern porn with a scenario– the gentleman is applying for some kind of job, at like, a library, and she is the librarian/ hiring manager, thus she is wearing glasses, and of course to prove he is the most qualified candidate he must show her his massive uncircumcised wang.  One of those huge black cocks you see in porn that is so unwieldy that it’s bent downward in the middle.  Black people’s dicks always seem to have these engineering fuck ups.

God damn, it was a hot fucking porn.  After forcefully ejaculating a gravy boat full of thick oozy semen into a paper towel in the office bathroom, I sat down to compose her a message.  I was going to go on a date with this person.  And hot unprotected sex was a certainty, right?  She seemed skilled at it.  One of those girls who fucks you back when you’re fucking her doggystyle, not like the rest of these inert drunken lumps.

I went indirect with the message.  I sent her some shit about fucking Skyrim.  Nothing sexual at all.  I figured: don’t get too forward, she must hear that all the time. But surely this crafty and dishonest hedge would stand out and she would message me back.

Now, normally, I don’t  give a shit if girls message me back because I have kind of a learned helplessness about OKCupid dates.  They are fine for slaking your most basic sex addict needs but they always turn out to be fat or boring.  So, any given girl not messaging you back, well– she was probably schwag anyway.  But this girl, I at least knew she was capable of using the English language to communicate, and she was interested in a career as a journalist, and much, much more importantly– I knew ever god damn millimeter of the curve of  her perfectly plump ass.  One of those asses on a kind of thick chick that actually has some muscle under it.  One of those asses that make black men murderous.  The sublime perfection of her natural chubby girl titties sweating under the ring lights.  Her genuine-seeming but not creepily genuine-seeming enthusiasm in the acts of fucking and cock smoking.  Her engaged eye contact with both the camera and her co-performer, with eyes that you actually sensed had something behind them.

And I figured she would fuck me fast.  A little concerned that she’s been exposed to gigantic mutant black Japanese cave newt cock but, what are you gonna do; by the time my small wang comes out we’re already gonna fuck.  But yeah… she’s a porn star. Fucking is no big deal to her.  And I’m not gonna walk in there acting all entitled to the pussy; it’s gonna be a normal date, and my relaxed confidence and self-deprecating charm will work their magic on this girl who is accustomed to dealing solely with worshipful fat virgins and semiliterate porn industry types from Chatsworth.  Maybe she will be my girlfriend.  I don’t give a shit that she was a porn star and has gigantic tattoos all over her; I can look past that.

In fact, a girl having some shameful past is an asset. Fake Girlfriend I met when she messaged me off OKCupid for casual sex.  She showed up to the date with a blue glass butt plug.  She has done porn, and used to whore herself out as part of crazy drug deals.  Nikol and I met kind of the same way and… well, she is not anonymous, but fucking trust me, whatever you think Nikol’s sex history is, you are grossly underestimating.  The two people I met off OKCupid whom I loved and connected with the most were both whorish brutally damaged sex industry veterans.  Because they’re the only people who can talk honestly about fucking, like a guy.  So it follows that I should continue to seek relationships with these types.  I had real hope for this self-promoting nerd-baiting porn star off OKCupid.  Maybe she’ll be another Fake GF or Nikol.

I got fixated on her.  I refreshed my inbox constantly. And then every night I would just cycle through her porns– I found like 15 of them; many fine, long clips.  Never taking it in the ass, sadly, and always taking the cum to the face, rather than on her asshole or pussy or in a kabuki dance of cartoonish anger at getting an unwanted creampie, as is my preference.  But many great porns, and she was not only an adept sex performer but also quite good in the bookend scenes where her and a guy had to discuss some contrivance that was causing them to have sex.  Some of the films had an interview component– they were playing up her “nerd girl” schtick, having her talk about 8 bit video games before taking the cock. She was cute and interesting and unselfconscious in these segments.  Three days passed, and every day I was jerking off repeatedly to her porn, and only hers.  Squirting loads of such pressure and quantity that I thought I might make a living in the industry myself.  The ropes would hit the T shirt and make a sound, like rain on a tent roof. All the while thinking: she’s going to message me back, and we’re gonna go on a date, and this is gonna happen in real life. I had never jacked off to the same porn star more than three times in a row. It was becoming an obsession.

Finally she logged in again.  And she blocked me. Instantaneously.  Got the “sorry, such and such no longer has a profile.” You see that a lot, with hot girls.  They become masters at managing OKCupid; instantly deciding whether they have any interest and blocking the people they don’t like so we’re not gumming up their searches and shit.  Happens all the time.  But it fucking stung.  You do porn, for Christ’s sake.  You’re fucking fat.  I am the motherfucking king of OKCupid and I’m not even messaging you hey let’s bone like you did that black dude in the library; I sent you some funny ass OC about Skyrim.  Whatever though.  This proves she’s a hooker.  She saw that I wanted a date, and not to pay money to have intercourse, so, block.  Fine.

Except later I showed her profile to Nikol, saying: check out this hot hooker on OKC, she does porn.  And Nikol was like “that’s not a hooker; Reza’s fucking her.”

FUUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Some other guy is fucking her.  Not for money.  And it’s not me.  What the f— what the fuck does Reza have that I don’t have, besides a god damn hamhock for a penis according to Nikol?  This girl is not a hooker, she is just fucking rejecting me instantly upon having read my motherfucking message. She dates normal non pornographic type dudes but will not date me.  Fucking cunt.

Anyway, for like 3 days, I kind of saw what it was like to be an ordinary guy on a dating site. Someone who is not so jaded that he just pours drinks into a series of dehumanized slightly overweight fuckholes and rawdogs them until the pain goes away for five minutes.  I actually cared about the outcome of my conversation with this woman.  I actually imagined a future interaction with her, a very small part of which did not involve unprotected sex.  I actually projected a whole personality on to this person and felt hopeful that she would be interested in meeting me.  When she took three days to check the message, I felt invisible, and when I found out another guy had successfully been with her where I had failed, I felt like a worthless tool with clinical micropenis.

I bet a lot of guys who get pissed about OKCupid feel this way with every email they send, until it snowballs into self- and woman-hating rage.  Me, I got over it by rawdogging another dehumanized drunken fuckhole.  But for a minute there…

Whatever. It was kind of nice to actually feel something for once.

67 Responses to “The Only Girl I Wanted to Message Me Back”

  1. sylviasarah August 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

    !!! such an awesome post!!!

  2. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm #

    You can always hit her up on her youtube channel:

    If I guessed that right, I watch waaaay too much fucking porn. By the way, all porn stars are hookers. Most of them only do porn to boost their escort rates.

    • delicioustacos August 13, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

      That’s the one. I wasn’t gonna post her identity because her blog mentions her being done with something that she doesn’t want to talk about. But, fuck it, that’s her. Porn name is the same; everybody go beat off.

      • Versace August 13, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

        Well this particular blog post just keeps on giving, huh? This just clinched my vote for DT post of the year.

      • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 13, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

        meh, she has all the enthusiasm of a corpse in most of her scenes.

        Check it:

        http://www.formspring.me/MeowMistiDawn/q/1553051529

        Answer the fucking question, Misti! Sounds like a yes to me.

    • sylviasarah August 13, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

      Oh…google searching the pics for Misti Dawn at my school’s library was a terrible idea. If she really doesn’t want to talk about it anymore maybe she shouldn’t use her porn name for like, everything else…

      • Jessa Flux™ (@UndressJess) January 5, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

        Um, that’s her real name and this guy is a maniac. I can’t believe you as a woman are okay with this blog.

      • sylviasarah January 5, 2013 at 4:13 pm #

        No offense but I’m not going to have my personal preferences challenged by someone who posts a pic of woman in her chonies and references undressing in her, I’m assuming that’s your twitter user name? I’m not judging.

        But, my bad on the name thing.

    • Anonymous February 5, 2015 at 3:02 pm #

      No-gittin’ pussy muthuah fuckah. Cock blocked again. You got NO game.

  3. Versace August 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    This is a fucking excellent blog post, Mr. DT.

    • Versace August 13, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

      Also of note, the one time you actually do care is the time you actually fail to close the deal.

  4. Cathy August 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm #

    Reza!!!!

    • Anonymous August 13, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

      Aaaaaaaand of course the perfunctory Cathy insider comment that just ruins the vibe.

    • delicioustacos August 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

      I changed a name to protect the innocent. The dude has another Persian name; figured Reza would get a kick out of it.

      • Anonymous August 13, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

        DT, as you obviously know cathy in real life, can you tell her to please shut the fuck up and stop ruining your blog?

  5. Anonymous August 13, 2012 at 6:56 pm #

    Well. Most gamer girls, porno and sexual habits aside are.. intelligent. And can sniff out trash from a mile away. So. No implications here. But you scream egotistical insecurity. Which is a huge turn off for any woman who isn’t also an egotistical, vain little ball of insecurity. So. Really? The king of OKC? The way you portray yourself here and I can only assume elsewhere screams “Block me, I’m a huge bro-knuckle-dragging-asshat.” :/

    • Shoqwon August 13, 2012 at 8:34 pm #

      Hi misti. So you ever gonna answer the question of whether you’ll start escorting for some extra cheddar?

    • sylviasarah August 13, 2012 at 9:07 pm #

      Maybe s/he’s right! For two seconds I resented a possible charge of egotistical, vain little ball of insecurity but then I realized I am one…

    • collapseofman August 13, 2012 at 11:28 pm #

      Nahhh

    • Jake August 14, 2012 at 7:44 am #

      She might also have read his profile and possible even this site. Pre-selection being what it is, DT’s strategy works flawlessly to include only girls who are either a) illiterate or b) been abused for most of their childhood. This chick does sound like she could fit that category, till you read into it a bit more and realize she might have too much ambition and positive experiences to throw herself into front of this particular train.

      That’s not to say anything negative about DT.

      • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 15, 2012 at 5:38 pm #

        Positive experiences? The girl used to make a living getting gangbanged by a bunch of members of the Nutty Blocc Compton Crips for chrissakes. Generally speaking, there’s about 5 reasons girls get into porn:

        1.)drugs
        2.)extremely strict/religious upbringing
        3.)they were sexually molested/abused
        4.)daddy issues/no father/adopted
        5.)they grew up in abject poverty

        This girl Misti is from Kentucky so I’m gonna go with number 5. Maybe she grew up in one of those isolated Appalachian mining towns where the coal company pulled up stakes when their profit margin dropped from the billions into the millions, leaving it stuck in some Twilight Zone time warp where nothing has changed since 1975: they still buy their cases of Mountain Dew and Budweiser at the general store; they fill their medicaid provided oxy scripts at the family drugstore; they all congregate at the local bowling alley or the one bar in town on Friday nights. At the end of the month when their EBT account is empty they take their bluetick hounds out in the woods to tree some coons for dinner. Okay, now I’m talking out of my ass, but you get the idea. Maybe she had a childhood straight out of McCarthy’s “Child of God”. Who knows…

        Gotta give her credit, though, for parlaying her porn “career” into a feasible mainstream gig. Most girls, even if they manage to crossover into mainstream, they only get maybe 1 or 2 bit parts playing a hooker or a prostitute in some low-budget Hollywood flick then it’s back to porn. Or back on the Greyhound to Kentucky.

      • delicioustacos August 15, 2012 at 5:42 pm #

        Good guess, but it’s at least partially number 2. One of her blogs mentions being excommunicated from the Mormon church.

      • R. Lee August 28, 2012 at 1:21 am #

        Jake, can I such your dick? I want to such your dick. Please let me such your dick. Thanks for letting me such your dick.

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 15, 2012 at 5:19 pm #

      “Which is a huge turn off for any woman who isn’t also an egotistical, vain little ball of insecurity.”

      Aren’t those character traits pretty much a requirement for any girl that gets into porn? 80% at least.

  6. Jake August 14, 2012 at 7:39 am #

    I read this stuff and I get the urge to go on ebay and buy you a giant, old timey war hero medal. Which you could wear at L.A. parties and on most of those OKC dates.

  7. Anonymous August 15, 2012 at 7:27 pm #

    You consider her chubby?! Holy shit. You really enjoy emaciation, huh?

    • Cathy August 15, 2012 at 8:14 pm #

      Well just based on the youtube still-shot above, she’s pretty chub. And honestly, not really that cute at all.

      • sylviasarah August 16, 2012 at 10:15 am #

        She’s thick but she is pretty, too, and anyway it should only matter what DT thinks. The post isn’t about her, it’s about him finally liking a chick and having a few days of hope. You should click on the link. I’d suggest image searching the name but then you’d get too much of an idea of how thick she is.

      • Anonymous August 16, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

        DT only liked the broad cause she had no interest. And look what it’s done to the poor basterd. Beta-max posts and lacking in utb’s self-styled testicular fortitude.

      • sylviasarah August 17, 2012 at 10:15 am #

        @Anon…The thing he liked about her was that she took interest in things. Your argument makes it seem like it’s not at all possible that she clicked the little “read my blog” links he has on his page and she couldn’t have come hear to read about key bumping with barely legal strippers and having to…work with…sweaty vagina.

        Any chick with any self-esteem would not go out with DT if she’s read what he writes and he has links to this page so anyone DT goes out with, and it will be his fault not theirs, is not going out with him to be with him. It’d be to screw him or to change him and that’s not their fault, it’s not that he’s a “poor basterd”. He does this to himself and he likes it.

        And if you think harping on this supposed beta-bs is going to do anything, well, it’s not doing anything more than adding to the comments section. And you’re going to come back and either write something everyone is going to be expecting from you like, “Stop being a beta, bro,” or, “Yeah, chicks are for sex and that’s all.”

      • sylviasarah August 17, 2012 at 10:15 am #

        *here

      • Anonymous August 17, 2012 at 10:45 am #

        you read into things way too much. and you have an incredibly laborious way of writing.
        you know how some writing just goes down smoothly like a class of ice-cold lemonade on a hot, humid Georgia summer day?
        your writing is the opposite of that.
        also, you seem to take all of DT’s writing at face-value. stop trying to one-dimensionalize things just for the sake of whatever it is that you were trying to communicate.

      • Anonymous August 17, 2012 at 10:46 am #

        *glass.

      • sylviasarah August 17, 2012 at 11:19 pm #

        I guess it’s a good thing I don’t actually care about what you think…I might have taken it personally and as a valid critique…if you weren’t such a tool.

      • Anonymous August 18, 2012 at 3:23 am #

        Lol, someone seems a bit offended..

      • sylviasarah August 18, 2012 at 11:51 pm #

        Not at all 🙂 It’s a blog comment thread.

      • nikolhasler August 19, 2012 at 7:47 am #

        SylviaSarah, Anon with now spend several replies telling you how offended you are, and how by saying you’re not offended, you’re proving that you are offended.

        Because it’s Alpha to tell women that they’re idiots, and any woman who replies to any such suggestion is clearly hysterical.

      • Anonymous August 19, 2012 at 10:20 am #

        Lol, now we got the other one chiming in who can’t stand being slighted on the internet in any way.

      • sylviasarah August 20, 2012 at 8:16 pm #

        @Nikol, I’m sorry you had to take one for the team but I learned from that comment thread. Bitchiz be stoopid ‘n shit. Thank you for your sacrifice.

        @Anon, can you come up with a name so I know you’re different from all those other Anons even though you make it plainly, painfully obvious? I vote for Sparkles.

  8. Misti Dawn January 4, 2013 at 9:59 pm #

    Very interesting…

  9. Anonymous January 5, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

    All I gathered from this blog and its comments is that DT is a presumptuous toddler that insults and judges people when he doesn’t get his way. Finding fault in others when they deem not to respond to his messages, surely all women who turn him down are Jezebels. But DT, shouldn’t worry, from reading the comment thread it appears that SylviaSarah is patiently waiting to suck him off.
    If anything you just helped Misti gain more followers. I’m sure she’s tickled pink by the online traffic you are sending her way.

    • Zuul January 5, 2013 at 2:39 pm #

      ^ This ❤

    • sylviasarah January 5, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

      Thank you for spelling it out so clearly, I never know if I’m making it obvious enough or not. 😀

  10. Anonymous January 5, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

    You set out with negative intentions of deceit so you can fuck someone and then you got rejected because everyone but you can see through your sad veil of lies, and you are pissed at her? You should try honesty and sincerity. It goes much further

    • Anonymous January 5, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

      lol irl

  11. viktor January 8, 2013 at 6:15 pm #

    Wow, I never knew that when a girl’s profile switches to “this person no longer has an account” it means I was blocked. I had always taken pride in the fact that about 50% of the girls I contact leave okc immediately after reading my message – but I guess the fact that they block me is kind of cool also.

  12. Cate January 9, 2013 at 1:40 pm #

    I am sure the writer of this blog falls into that anti-feminist Rooshv, Heartiste BULLSHIT category. Running around blaming women for your CLEAR shortcomings and all the problems with our society.

    This blog is disgusting.
    You are a fucking pig! I could go on and on, but I suspect you will contract some sort of heinous std that will make you angrier and more pitiful than you already are, and that is enough for me.

  13. Eva M. January 9, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

    Wow. How utterly disgusting. I’ve actually been checking out your blog for a while now because of a referral from a friend who thought I would find you hilarious and intelligent. First few posts I read we’re not that bad but then I come along all this shit about dating sites? What is wrong with you? Are you so emotionally damaged because no one paid attention to you as a child and this is your way of making yourself feel better? You should see a therapist. This is just sad and pathetic. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you had multiple diseases. It’s really sad that the only enjoyment you have in your life is using teenagers and manipulating women into sleeping with you. If there was a way I could do it, I’d try to find your OKC and have it removed indefinitely. You’re just a predator. I feel as a young mother of a beautiful 16 year old girl, disgusted, that if she chose to use Internet dating in the future she could run across filth like yourself. I feel bad for all the girls you’ve fooled. Although, not much can be said about Misty, seeing how she clearly lacks intelligence, due to the fact she uses the same name for everything as she does for porn. But those other poor girls… The “chubby” porn star, the random hookups you pick up from that site, “Gertrude” or whoever… The 19 year old dancer… The list goes on…
    And to make matters worse, you then let people say all these horrible things about them?! No wonder you’re limited to having sex with children.

    • Eva M. January 9, 2013 at 6:21 pm #

      Although I realize this Misty girl is the porn star, she’s had her personal business aired out, unbeknownst to her.

      Do any of the girls even know you wrote about them?! I’m sure if they found out, they’d be displeased.

  14. Anonymous August 8, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

    You’re a terrible writer and a total asshole.

  15. Jaymo Dollar Sign November 19, 2013 at 10:39 pm #

    Too much hate in these necrocomments. I think this shit is hilarious.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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