Diary: Gertrude Part One and a Half

11 Oct

You get a text on Monday morning from a girl you left at your house. The text is inventorying the contents of your jack drawer.  Notably there is an artificial vagina in it made by filling a plastic cup with water and flour paste, pushing a hole into it, and covering it with a condom.  You microwaved this creation while on cocaine and affixed it to your vibrating rubber duck and ergonomic airline neck pillow and it was the ne plus ultra of artificial vaginas; so far above and beyond the not inconsiderable amount of previous prototypes.  This is the one that flew.  It is has now taken on opportunistic airborne yeast and sat in the sun and become a perfectly formed uncooked dinner roll with a warped cast of your half-stiff cocaine penis in the center.  She’s amused.

She had written you a letter.  Like out of Bukowski’s WOMEN.  Dear so and so, I’ve read your blog and your OKC profile and blah blah blah.  We should have sex.  Well, yes.  Yes we should.


Still. Shouldn’t have sent her that second text this morning.  But no.  No.  Don’t overgame.  She’s a very straightforward person.  The larger issue is, making decisions about whether you want to hang out with a girl when you’ve been fucking her at night, receiving her unparalleled blowjobs, but not cumming.  Not cumming because she told you very matter of factly that your small penis could not get her off.  Also because you were fucking her and it got hot, she got into some position that was going to make you pop instantly; you stopped, and she said you should have gone ahead and cum anyway because your dick is too small to get her off.  You can’t tell if it’s because of this or just getting past that rubicon; sometimes you’re either going to cum prematurely or not at all.  Then you sleep with her all night naked and just keep making out with her in the morning; her little body… and you should have beat off in the shower, but you didn’t, so all day in the office your nuts feel like some swollen half-fermented fruit hanging overripe from the tree ready to fall off. You can feel your heart beat in your nut sac, painfully.  So you desperately want to see this person again but it’s just because you’re horny like an animal at your desk and you just keep seeing that ass, that ass, that ass, the way holocaust survivors must see the mule carts stacked with bodies flashing in their mind’s eye over and over again.

Anyway, cute girl.  I am excited to read her blog about my poor sexual performance.  Any publicity is good publicity.  But Jesus– I need to masturbate at work.  Which I do, frequently, but never when my colleagues are in the office, and of course this is the one day in history when they won’t leave before me.  This is a medical crisis now; if I can’t pop off before I see her my nut is going to dislodge her pancreas.

Once I pop off, I will be able to think about this clearly.  But until then it’s oh God ohfuck ohfuck ohfuck why is my phone not vibrating with her return text I’ve blown it forever and she will never speak to me again.  Which, fine.  I fucked her.  That was what I wanted.  The harsh reality of my inadequate cock mass and flagging sexual abilities, you know, notwithstanding, I wanted new pussy.  And I knew she was gonna be nuts but she is slightly less nuts than I anticipated.  She is 22 years old, and feels 22 years old.  Sometimes she talks like a college course description of a very boring graduate level cultural studies class.  But that ass.

And yet there she texts back.  What time will you be home. Not soon enough, my love.  Except now I’m gonna pop off once my boss leaves and she will be committed to coming over and suddenly I’ll be standing there having blown a load with this girl needlessly on her way to my house. And I’ll just want to pound a couple drinks and play Dungeons & Dragons on the computer.

But there you have it.

14 Responses to “Diary: Gertrude Part One and a Half”

  1. I knew it, you overreacting, neurotic whiner October 11, 2012 at 10:35 am #

    So I guess you didn’t get fired after all.

  2. Anonymous October 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    In before sylivasarah inevitably posts some nuthugging comment at DT’s return that reveals how empty her life is.

    • sylviasarah October 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm #

      You beat me you jerk! I’m supposed to be the first one to nut hug but you grabbed the nuts before I could seize them! Also, your hate is turning me on. Send me a dirty email, daddy. You know you wanna. And, thanks for all the attention. I’ve really been feeling alone lately.

      • Anonymous October 11, 2012 at 10:07 pm #

        it’s funny you assume it’s one person. I represent like 20% of the hate comments you get. and it’s not even hate.. it’s pity. but also fascinating in a way, like watching a perpetual slow-motion car wreck.

      • sylviasarah October 11, 2012 at 10:35 pm #

        Bonus, if you look really hard you can find out just how fat I am. So, you can make the negative comments more specific.

      • sylviasarah October 11, 2012 at 10:33 pm #

        😦 Why can’t you just make up a name so I can keep you all straight. Can you be “Guy who hates Sylvia 1”? Also, dude, I’m just saying, I might have no life but I’m not the one commenting on comments. He writes this really good stuff and all you can focus on is how he has fans. You’re a regular reader.

        Seriously though, if you think my comments are car wrecks, you should read my blog. I might as well push it since you seem to not be able to get off my nuts on here anyway. If you are that one reader I have, thanks 🙂

      • Anonymous October 11, 2012 at 11:51 pm #

        you’re starting to win me over you gargantuan emo-hippopotamus you.

      • sylviasarah October 12, 2012 at 7:52 am #

        Mine eyes hath never read such beautiful words. Can you start going by ‘Daddy’ so I remember I’m trying to gain your approval?

      • Anonymous October 12, 2012 at 8:28 am #

        What’s up with your wierd daddy thing, elektra?

      • sylviasarah October 12, 2012 at 11:05 am #

        Hayzues Christo. Will you people please have the decency to leave misspelled comments on MY blog? My weird daddy thing is probably explained in my blog, you just have to read a bunch of posts.

        The Elektra reference, however, is just sad. I don’t own any sai and even if I did I’d probably just cut myself, and not in the good emo way where I release the emotional pain through my skin. If you meant Electra, then I still don’t get it. She hatched a plan to kill her mother after her father was already dead. Somehow this compares to Oedipus who married his mother, who he didn’t know was his mother. There is like, no link, ya know?

      • sylviasarah October 12, 2012 at 11:16 am #

        Heyzues…In addition to being an emo nut hugging wierd daddy loving elektra, I’m also bad at transliteration.

      • anonymous October 12, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

        Lol, you try too hard

      • sylviasarah October 12, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

        Lawlkatz roflcoptor.

  3. Phuk Yoo October 11, 2012 at 7:15 pm #

    At least this update wasn’t too gay.

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