Video: Fatburger Challenge

20 Mar

Nikol wanted to do the Fatburger Challenge for her birthday.  This is where you eat three half pound patties on a bun, and they put your picture on the wall. 

It occurred to me after making this what it should have been. Which is: me & Nikol are racing to eat the burgers while saying grosser and grosser things to each other to slow each other down. You start with “fat chick pissing into long beards that smell like Buffalo wings.” The “picture eating a sloppy shit out of the crack of your grandmother’s ass” line would be somewhere in the middle. After that it would be like, “a heavyset Armenian man, on a hot day, sharts in a minivan with no air conditioning and uses an old Wendy’s napkin smeared with ranch dressing to trap it in the crack of his ass until he gets home, and you have to eat the napkin.”

It would escalate to “A hyena, a mangy hyena, raping a baby in the asshole, and the baby is shitting on the hyena’s dick while the hyena is puking in the baby’s mouth, and meanwhile Hitler is jerking off to it. Hitler is jerking off on Anne Frank and when he jizzes his jizz is also shit. Or it’s the puke from a tuna salad sandwich. And the hyena’s balls look like former congressman Henry Waxman.”

And then she would come back with a really minimalist one that would win. Like, “your mom wished you were a girl.” Something emotional.

Anyway.  That’s what my face looks like, if you didn’t know.  Not quite something you’d scare kids with but, I’m glad I have personality.

18 Responses to “Video: Fatburger Challenge”

  1. Another Mary March 20, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

    I enjoyed that video. I would say something snarky about the size of your nose, but I won’t. Good lookin, both of youse.

    • Anonymous March 21, 2013 at 9:56 am #

      You just did say something snarky you dumb bitch.

    • delicioustacos March 21, 2013 at 11:02 am #

      When they made me, there was a fuckup in the factory. The order slip actually said “small nose, huge wang.” But God was drunk.

  2. Unleash The Beef March 20, 2013 at 2:09 pm #

    Paragraphs two and three justify the existence of the entire internet. I don’t believe I’ve ever read a sequence of words more enjoyable than “Hitler is jerking off on Anne Frank and when he jizzes his jizz is also shit.” Fecal jizz is so hot right now.

  3. aneroidocean March 20, 2013 at 4:28 pm #

    Her shot of whiskey looks to be about twice yours.

    The Aristocrats!

  4. Little Miss S March 20, 2013 at 6:43 pm #

    I wonder how many readers, if they hadn’t already seen pics of you via Nikol’s stuff, are tripping out that they finally have a face and voice to assign to you now!

  5. Kaywhole March 20, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

    I love the dynamic between you and nikol. The way you guys talk shit to each other is priceless.

  6. TempestTcup March 21, 2013 at 5:56 am #

    You two should do the Fatburger challenge every week & then compare the first pictures with pictures taken in a couple of months. For science.

    • sylviasarah March 21, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

      Oh please do this! I really like your face full of burger and maybe your cheeks will stay puffy!

  7. DT Fan #17 March 21, 2013 at 8:54 am #

    I went to a burger joint for a date in college, and my date ate her burger like this. She turned it upside down, took off the bottom bun, spread a ton of ketchup on top and ate the burger upside down, holding it up via the top bun. She said she wasn’t a bottom bun kind of gal.

  8. Anonymous March 21, 2013 at 3:03 pm #

    7:28. Bouncing boobies

  9. Holy shit, you weren’t kidding when you said you looked like a sewer mutant, huh? You are just… you are one fucking hideous monstrosity. You have the nose of a washed-up alcoholic prizefighter, yet you’ve only been in one fight in your life. How do you explain that? Hey, if you can’t find work you can always join the circus as a sideshow act: “Come one, come all. Step right up and get your ticket, folks. Witness the 8th Wonder of the World – The balloon-headed fucking half-human, half-Pterodactyl… what is it? Delicious Tacos!!”. Or they could market you as the ugliest human in existence who still manages to get laid. Put you up on stage surrounded by a bunch of burlesque girls then have the carnival barker stir the crowd up: “How does he do it, folks? Just one thin dime, one tenth of a dollar unlocks the mystery. That’s right, gentleman. Step right up and witness this grotesque specimen’s amazing powers of seduction.”

    Christ Almighty, if I had a face like that I’d wear a fucking Phantom of the Opera mask. Or a burlap sack or something. You look like John Merick. You should have started the video off yelling, “I’m not an animal!! I’m a human being.”

    Nikol looks good. A little red, can’t tell if it’s sunburn or whiskey. She’s genetically engineered to live in a fucking bog in Ireland, so she’s got an excuse. Not exactly well-suited for sunny SoCal.

  10. Swish March 24, 2013 at 11:45 am #

    this made me hungry and slightly horny

  11. AppleJack April 5, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

    You look cleaner and much less degenerate than I assumed. I guess I pictured you as a character from an R.Crumb comic, somewhat overweight, unshaven and with flies buzzing around you. Congratulations on exceeding my expectations

  12. sylviasarah April 22, 2013 at 1:39 am #

    late…

    DT look alike
    http://flirty-panties.tumblr.com/post/45842821383

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