IMPORTANT INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR ACCOUNT ENCLOSED TIME WARNER CABLE URGENTLY NEEDS TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR SERVICE PLAN BANK OF AMERICA OVERDRAFT RESPONSE REQUIRED NOTICE CITY OF LOS ANGELES BUREAU OF WASTE MANAGEMENT MANDATORY RATE INCREASE CITY OF LOS ANGELES FRANCHISE TAX BOARD NOTICE OF WAGE GARNISHMENT NOTICE CITY OF LOS ANGELES PARKING DEPARTMENT VIOLATION CITY OF LOS ANGELES TRAFFIC COURT NOTICE OF FAILURE TO APPEAR NOTICE
… this is Serenity Flannelcrotch with NPR news. Thousands of priceless ancient manuscripts have been destroyed in Mali, following an attack by Islamist rebels in the north. Unemployment is once again on the rise, according to fiscal reports from the fourth quarter; over half a million new applications were added to the seasonally adjusted figures. Meanwhile, the economy continues to add fewer jobs than projected. There’s been another school shooting, this time in Tennessee, where a student opened fire in a crowded cafeteria at lunchtime killing five and wounding twelve students and faculty. The ages of those killed ranged from seven to ten. A new “super” strain of gonorrhea has now been detected as far west as Colorado, CDC officials reported Wednesday. The strain can cause permanent damage to vital organs and is untreatable by antibiotics. In local news, former teacher Raoul Martinez will stand trial today facing allegations that he molested up to two hundred students over his thirty year tenure at Live Oak Elementary School. Rumors of Israeli involvement in Syria have drawn speculation that the U.S. may send troops, after a possible Israeli airstrike within Syrian borders. The Dow is up eight hundred points.
WELCOME TO MICROSOFT® OUTLOOK™: 115 UNREAD MESSAGES Will you read my script can I have a job can I have some money can you get me a job can you read my script. Did you do this thing I never asked you to do why didn’t you do it yet how could you do this to me this is URGENT I need this taken care of immediately. Why didn’t you take care of this what were you thinking well why didn’t you tell me you took care of it then I AM NOT A PSYCHIC let me ask you if you were in my shoes what would you do we need to talk about managing your time. This is a disaster frankly. So and so didn’t receive the so and so, I thought I told you to get it out on Thursday– what happened? I’m not seeing the meeting in the calendar– what happened? Here are some scripts for you to read about nothing written by nobody they will go nowhere did you read them yet also there is a young adult book about unicorns why didn’t you know about it. Someone is in my parking space. Again. This is a catastrophe, frankly. Why is the copier not fixed. It has been broken for weeks. I didn’t ask you for an excuse, I asked why it wasn’t fixed. Did you read those scripts yet also the copier the copier the copier the copier the copier the copier the copier
WELCOME TO FACEBOOK: 16 NEW NOTIFICATIONS Betty Chocknuts is ENGAGED to Herbert Stimpeltaint (6 people Like this) Stephanie Saltycooch is MARRIED to Frank Stankowitz (8 people Like this) Henrietta Plumpercunt is ENGAGED to Chet Von Squarejaw III (16 people Like this) Jerkoff McNotalent sold a screenplay! (22 people Like this) Fuckface McBallstaint made the New York Times Bestseller List! (69 people Like this) Scumbag Van Der Douche got the big promotion! (666 people Like this) YOU WILL DIE BROKE AND ALONE WHILE UNDESERVING FOOLS ENJOY HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS (Like this)
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