I Hate Squirting

12 May
Image stolen from CBS News, where I assume it was also used in a story on squirting.

Image stolen from CBS News, where I assume it was also used in a story on squirting.

Some time in the last five years every woman started bragging that she could squirt.  If you hit my G spot with your fingers while I’m in a seated position and Venus is in the Third House of Capricorn… I will squirt all over the place. Look what a libertine I am, she says. And I know when I hear it exactly what to avoid. I hate doing laundry.

It’s bragging on their part, but also an invitation to do something you can brag about. Dude, she squirted all over the place, you will say, heralding your status as a sex god.

I used to care about being “good in bed.” About whether a woman was satisfied.  About engaging in hours of elaborate foreplay and mood lighting and appropriate drugs and music.  Back in college. Girls talk to each other about that stuff, men would say. They’re gonna hear that you’re a sex god and come get some of that too.

Not anymore. Even when I was trying I fucking sucked at sex and still, the girls’ friends would fuck me. It doesn’t matter that you fucked their friends well; it matters that you fucked them at all. Girls I couldn’t pull wood with, girls where I prematurely ejaculated all over their cunt as soon as the nubbin tip of my helmet hit the folds, girls where I blew all over their furry taint trying to find my way in drunk– didn’t matter.  Their friends still fucked me, even though I’m sure they did talk. But besides hoping my reputation would precede me I really cared back then about giving girls a good sexual experience. Pride, fuckin’ with me. No more.

I eat pussy when I want my face to be in a girl’s pussy, when I need to know what it tastes like. In other words, the first date. After that I rub my head a little on her when we’re spooning and force it in dry for the first few pumps until she gets wet. It makes no difference. They cum with the same frequency. When I want to fuck, I make a girl suck my dick until I get hard then I pull her up by the hair and get on top of her and stick it in. No difference. If I’m with a girl whose body I’m really enamored with I will spend much time on foreplay but it’s for myself. I don’t give a fuck what parts of her body are sensitive and turn her on, the ones I put in my mouth are the ones I want to taste. I don’t give a fuck if a girl who likes to get choked tells me to choke her, I choke her if I’m moved to. I am an uncaring, demanding, selfish pig and I have a small cock and I cum too fast most of the time. Doesn’t matter.

They like it when you’re a selfish pig. They like it when you don’t give a shit about them. They like to be a fuckhole whose job is to cater to your impulses right when they happen or not at all, and whatever reason this is, genetic or “we are socialized to blah blah blah,” Jesus Christ, when you give up trying to please girls, life just becomes so much easier. And better. Why wasn’t I taught this in health class. Fucking education system, asleep at the wheel.

48 Responses to “I Hate Squirting”

  1. Zack Hunter May 12, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

    There’s a fine line between squirting and pissing.

    • Ruxman May 13, 2013 at 2:25 am #

      nice 🙂

      • Zack Hunter May 13, 2013 at 11:21 am #

        Hellz yeah it’s nice. Whatever it is that comes out of those bliss caves is nice.

  2. Emily May 12, 2013 at 2:07 pm #

    Not true. Not a god dam bit true. We do NOT like it when you are a selfish pigs. We are very very much on the hunt for skilled and attentive performers. God you are retarded sonetimes

    • Mike Doe May 12, 2013 at 2:30 pm #


    • beadamnman May 12, 2013 at 2:30 pm #

      If sex is a performance than DT is that 60 year old chimp in the burgundy sport coat who chain smokes and drinks whiskey and has just phoned in all of his performances for the last decade. I’d still watch the monkey because I haven’t seen his shit before. Strange girls and women are still gonna fuck DT because… well fuck it. Why not? Sorry Emily. Talent scouts like yourself are awash in a sea of retards who barely give a fuck.

      • emily May 13, 2013 at 8:37 am #

        its ok. sex is like Art. most people do hollywood.

    • moe jones May 12, 2013 at 5:01 pm #

      “I say one thing but mean another” – woman

    • earl May 13, 2013 at 5:46 am #

      The first statements are always lies…the truth comes out somewhere in the later statements.

    • yourfacetattedonmy May 14, 2013 at 8:04 am #

      Debates about women get off track when people don’t distinguish between short- and long-term mating.

      DT is talking about short-term. Short-term, women will fuck anything if it’s got a pronounced jaw-line, accent, and is over 6 feet. Her sexual pleasure is not expected and doesn’t much matter.

      You’re talking about long-term, in which case, yeah, women don’t want selfish pigs.

      • darklightdispatch May 15, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

        I strongly disagree, women (at least in the modern, Western context) would ideally like to secure commitment from the same men they want to fuck. They don’t switch to beta schlubs because they *want* to, they settle because they can’t snag the desirable men long-term.

        For women, sexual pleasure is primarily psychological. Consider porn (men) vs. romance novels (women.) This doesn’t mean they don’t feel physical pleasure, of course, only that it’s secondary.

        For instance, would your average chick rather have 3 minutes of distracted, semi-flaccid humping from a cool, aloof asshole or an attentive, skiled pussy licking delivered by some nerd that’s downloaded every g-spot/female ejac how-to dvd series on bittorrent?

        I used to be that guy….let me tell you, it doesn’t matter how many techniques you have for licking the clit or rubbing her g-spot just right, if you don’t turn her on mentally, she won’t value any of that shit at all.

        Furthermore, it’s not just that good physical sex technique isn’t important, it’s that not having it (or at least not CARING if you have “skills”) is a really powerful indicator of high status.

        Making a big effort to please her is submissive and approval seeking. Not giving a fuck whether she cums or not sends a clear and unambiguous message that you are a valuable, in demand guy that doesn’t need to worry about impressing women in order to gain sexual access.

        Overall, it’s a much bigger turn on for a women to be fucked by a high status man than by a loser, even if she cums much more with the loser. An emphasis on sexual technique and trying to please her is an easy tell for “loser,” even if you have many other positive attributes.

        Remember, if a woman just wants an orgasm, an hitachi magic wand is quicker and more reliable than any man. When it comes to sex, the physical is just a springboard for the psychological and emotional.

      • yourfacetattedonmy May 15, 2013 at 5:01 pm #

        I’m not so sure that we’re disagreeing… I think you are providing a major mechanism for the outcome I had in mind.

      • Bibiana September 14, 2016 at 9:34 pm #

        These women must be insane. They will fuck anyone-and not expect or care about pleasure????

      • Bibiana September 14, 2016 at 9:42 pm #

        I’d rather have the guy who was good in bed rather than a great looking guy who doesn’t care about my pleasure. Give me a guy who takes his time- because I do the same. That’s more important than good looks in the long run.

  3. eec May 12, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

    You’re coming to the wrong conclusions.

    You gave up trying to please girls. You gave up trying to please anyone. You don’t even know how to please yourself (in general, in life) — if there are other people that want to try and please you, well, that makes the things you do in life feel like there’s *some* sort of worth or direction there.

    You wanted to please women before because you wanted their attention, validation, companionship, and love. You wanted that connection.

    But along the way you lost the connection to yourself. So you can’t connect to other people.

    So then you write, because that’s when you were most connected to everything, before. Before all the bullshit. Before the burn out.

    You lost your soul, man. That’s what this journey’s been about.

    And you’d fuck young chicks to try and reconnect with the hopeful idealism of your own lost youth. They don’t have the worries and woes that you’ve dealt with. They aren’t as hardened or bitter, jaded. “Young enough to have that glow, but an adult.” I’d do it, too. The past few years I really did relish in the trysts or friendships I’d made with college kids — but when it comes down to it, they won’t really fully know what’s going on with you, because they haven’t been through it. They haven’t experienced it. They can’t empathize.

    And you wanted that empathy. You wanted salvation, refuge. You wanted someone to give a shit and put forth effort the past couple years. Because you were tired. You became exhausted.

    You’re no longer working. You’ve found refuge. But now you don’t even really know what you feel.

    I guess it’s that initial shock in one’s quest of self-awareness or some shit.

    You’re burnt out, bruh. I know you’re just trying to get posts up, but really you’ve gotta expand your writing outside of this topical shit. Forest for the trees. The motivations and energies are expressed in instances outside of sex. Sex is simply a manifestation of all these things.

    You’re writing about personal things, but how can you write about your person and when you don’t even know who that is anymore?

    And you refresh the stats as some sort of representation of the connection you were once seeking and has yet to be fulfilled. (Hint: It’s within yourself. That whole “internal vs. external” thing. You’ve removed the external stressors from your life but the internal ones still exist; now you’re at that threshold of having to confront which structures you’ve consciously or unconsciously imposed on your life are worthwhile or need to be gotten rid of. Obviously, the first step with this (other than the realization and acceptance of the existence of an ‘issue’, aka ‘admitting there’s a problem’, which you’ve already done with the drinking) is to, well, it’s a confrontation of the ‘ego’ and god damn it is a difficult process. There’s no one else to blame now except yourself. This is the ego destruction that occurs during the solitude of exile, sensory deprivation, imprisonment and incarceration, self-imposed or not. Though, to note, my Thoreau phase wasn’t too “prolific” as I’d hoped, but my priority was working on my health recovery.)

    Anyway. Essentially, now, you just don’t care. You used to care. You used to want other people to care, too. Now you don’t know how or why you cared in the first place.

    You used to have passion and you still haven’t filled the void.

  4. sasha May 12, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

    i call bullshit on this entire post. women don’t dig that. self-loathing, narcissistic women who are going to be around for the short term novelty of being with a selfish pig might be enticed by it, but it’s not a sustainable recipe.

    i care about if a guy seeks a connection with me during sex. if he’s technically useless in bed, but i care for him and he’s genuine about seeking a sexual connection, then i’ll be patient as long as he’s desirous of me and wants to see me happy. i’m happy to reciprocate, be open, willing, and engaging. finding a guy that is authentic and caring MATTERS because vacuous, post-modern relationships contingent on a mutual love for arrested development and arcade fire is not good enough. where is the sincerity? in this post or anywhere?

    there’s a difference between not caring because you’re secure and not caring because you assume a nihilistic approach to things. this post reeks of the latter.

    • James May 12, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

      replace ‘women don’t dig that’ with ‘i don’t dig that’.

    • G May 16, 2013 at 2:15 pm #

      “there’s a difference between not caring because you’re secure and not caring because you assume a nihilistic approach to things.”

      pretty much. i left DT because i found his apathy towards sex overwrought and pathetic.

      …i did leave him for someone just as pathetic cause he had a bigger dick, though. such is life

      • sasha May 17, 2013 at 2:07 pm #

        i like the cut of your jib.

      • stupidbishes July 10, 2013 at 9:52 pm #

        So basically just as pathetic as DT. Check.

  5. flyingfuck May 12, 2013 at 3:42 pm #

    Looks as though the topic of squirting really flips the “I need to post pseudo-intellectual bullshit” switch in people.

  6. Carmo May 12, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

    Good post man, love the brutal honesty.

  7. JC May 13, 2013 at 12:30 am #

    I actually just had an honest conversation about this with a girl. I told her that I don’t really care about trying to make girls cum and she was all like ‘yeah yeah you’re so right to be like that’. Or maybe that’s just how I perceive everyone to respond to me when I’m hammered.

    • Bibiana September 14, 2016 at 9:37 pm #

      Bizarre. On the girl’s part.

  8. Dr. Illusion May 13, 2013 at 12:07 pm #

    If a bitch squirts on me, she will be washing my sheets. I don’t like sleeping in some chicks piss.

    Making a girl squirt means you tickled her urinary shit and she pissed on you. Good job.

    • sasha May 13, 2013 at 12:53 pm #

      it’s blood plasma actually

      • nikolhasler May 13, 2013 at 1:18 pm #

        Are you going to correct a Dr?

      • Dr. Illusion May 17, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

        Good enough sex causes the females blood to separate into it’s base components? They didn’t mention that in college.

        stupid cunt.

    • sasha May 19, 2013 at 8:44 pm #


      • Dr. Illusion May 20, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

        A wiki article in desperate need of citations that even points out that the fluid excreted by female ejaculation contains urine. Bravo. Once again…. Dumb cunt

  9. Anonymous May 16, 2013 at 4:22 pm #

    That’s hot.

  10. I’ve only been with one chick who could squirt. A couple years ago this lady picked me up while I was at a bar after work drinking. She was like 40-years old, something like that. Close to middle age but she still looked good. Cute face. Petite little body, slightly saggy, but not too bad. She was from Texas. She had a son back there, a couple years younger than me, she told me. I have no idea why. She had come up to Philly to rescue her sister who moved here with some asshole and got strung out on oxys or something. Take her back to Texas. She had a hotel room not too far from the bar she took me back to. She made me wear a condom. A couple minutes in it snapped, and she must have felt it because right afterwards she came and squirted all over my stomach while she was riding me. There might be some truth to the piss theory. She was older, maybe she was just incontinent.

  11. J Boners September 5, 2014 at 11:16 pm #

    Sasha – are you this annoying on every blog? I think I’m gonna go hunt down some unrelated bloggers and drop wiki-knowledge on the uninformed readers of the opposite gender. Maybe I’ll find someone else who’s equally as annoying and non-topical and humorously serious in the comment section to a post some topic in the same realm as cunt-juicing who writes a longer post than the fucking author and goes wiki-Dr. Phil-crazy so I can give a quick shout-out / dick-lick before I go after someone else with my wiki-linking drops of horse-semen.

  12. Danielle May 13, 2015 at 9:20 am #

    This is the most disgusting article I’ve ever had the unfortunate wish I hadn’t time to read. Woman like to be pleased dumbass. From the sound of it you’ve been with numerous partners. ….maybe because you don’t please a woman when u are giving the opportunity. I sure wouldn’t come back for more. And if you are half the pig you brag to be you’d never get a chance in my bed at all.. You are the epitamy of what women hate in a man. Basically the best advice I could give you is go fuck yourself!!!

    • Anonymous May 13, 2015 at 10:58 am #

      Danielle: What kind of a stupid-ass cunt comments on a blog post two full fucking years after it was posted? Ever hear of the Web Statute of Limitations, you dumb little cumdumpster?

  13. squirthunter Join via Paypal October 13, 2015 at 2:31 pm #

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  14. Bibiana September 14, 2016 at 9:29 pm #

    I like it when my boyfriend and I BOTH please each other!


  1. These Kids Today | delicioustacos - December 10, 2013

    […] you with sharp nails, scratch at your nipples, bite your bottom lip and draw blood. They all squirt. Ten years ago nobody squirted. It just didn’t exist. Now everybody squirts. Everybody deep […]

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