This Motherfucking Guy

7 Aug

salieri

Six foot fucking four, a surfer, law degree, sometime male model. He has been in the army. They sent him to Iraq, Congo, what he cheekily calls “DMZ” with no further clarification. Every chick in the world then googled DMZ. His profile is perfect. Arrogant as shit but backing it up. Funny. No angst, no real self deprecation. Why would there be. There is nothing wrong with him.

Lives on the coast. Founded and sold a software company in his 20’s. Now he makes his money as a lawyer when he is not surfing with various dolphins and whales. He takes great pains to talk about the whales. But it’s tongue in cheek enough that it doesn’t come across as bragging. He is the sort of person who surfs with dolphins but knows that the sort of person who talks about surfing with dolphins comes off as a fucking dork. He manages to work it in perfectly. I would tell you the exact language, and you’d agree with me. But I don’t want you to google him.

Astrid messaged him. He got right back, said he’d come over. He asked her about her childhood sexual abuse and they acted it out. Her dream date. I hate both of them. I mean, she is in her thirties with kids and she can reach out to any man on Earth and say “let’s fuck” and he’ll get in his car. It’s a bitch, but this is normal for women. Spoiled rotten cunts. But him. Him. He is the man that can do this. There are thousands of women who can do it. Millions. But just the one guy. At least, one guy who isn’t famous. My bad luck that he lives in my town.

A man with the options of a woman. Great looking, athletic, rich– good on paper, and in the flesh I am told. I hate him. I hate him desperately, in my bones. I hate him the way a mama possum hates a mountain lion as she’s watching it eat her babies. A genetic hate. A Darwinian hate. As though his mere existence castrated me.

I hate him even more for the fact that I would like him. She had kids, she told him. She would have to get them out of the house. I hope they’re teenage girls so I can ransack their panty drawer, he said. Exactly as I would have. Or no, my version was the hamper, the musky ones in the hamper. Funnier with the detail, I thought. But it hit me that his is the better version of the joke. More economical. Fuck. God dammit.

What do I have, what do I have. At least I’m not a lawyer. That’s something. Instead I make fucking cold calls to the managers of refrigerated warehouses in fucking Fontana. I have a stupid web site that nobody reads and a face like Harry Dean Stanton in the 70’s if he took the sharp edge of a shovel to the bridge of the nose. I never commune with whales. I have neither founded nor sold a software company in my 20’s. I will not found or sell a software company in my 40’s, in my 50’s– fuck, who knows if I’ll even make it that far.

He has antique cars. His “You Should Message Me If” slyly, but not cruelly, eviscerates the cliches of women’s profiles in Los Angeles. He sounds like a woman, complaining about the sexual come-ons he receives. He is funny. He teases the girls. But never comes across as hateful. Why would he be. What has he to hate.

He fucks as many people as she does, she tells me. An unholy amount. He has everything, and he uses it for exactly what you’d use it for. Being near whales and getting pussy. I hate him. And I hate her for fucking him. For even being able to. She should have to be a model, a surfer, a lawyer too. Nope. Like Patrice O’Neal said: just have a pussy. Harrison fuckin Bergeron will come right to you. Seventy seven cents on the dollar doesn’t sound so bad now, does it.

I hate and envy both of them. Her just a little bit, for having it easy. Mostly him, for existing. Hate, envy and awe for this magnificent and perfect creature.

Must be how a woman feels, seeing a hot sixteen year old girl.

33 Responses to “This Motherfucking Guy”

  1. Anonymous at 8:59 pm #

    Link to his profile? Come on!

  2. Anonymous at 8:59 pm #

    Love the Salieri pic, btw. Nice touch.

  3. dressyarson at 9:00 pm #

    I heard he has a large penis too.

  4. S at 11:45 pm #

    Don’t worry. She messaged me twice and I ignored them both.

  5. iron, Woman at 2:47 am #

    Hey look on the bright side, at least you’re not the guy who has hate and envy for DT.

  6. Another Mary at 5:29 am #

    You sound like a whiny teenage girl. Snap out of it!

  7. Petal at 8:10 am #

    Must be how a woman feels, seeing a hot sixteen year old girl.

    Well, not quite. I was once a hot sixteen-year-old girl too, so I can always think to myself, enjoy it while you can you smug little bitch, your time will come. Of course when I was sixteen I had no frigging clue just how much raw sexual power I wielded. Sometimes I look back at my younger self in awe and bewilderment, all that insecurity and fear, when I should have been on top of the world… I went and fell head over heels in love with my first high school boyfriend and we’ve been together ever since. Oh well. It doesn’t make for the most exciting stories, but it’s a pretty damn good life nonetheless.

    My friend has been kind of plain all her life, and she says she only feels bad for the pretty young ones, ’cause they have so much to lose. That’s what she says, anyway!

  8. Little Miss S at 11:52 pm #

    My boyfriend’s niece was just here visiting us, and she’s a beautiful, hot 16-year-old girl, but I didn’t feel any jealousy toward her or her friends’ looks. it’s just like, more power to them. I guess it’s like the commenter above said: been there, done that, it’s their turn now, and their turn will be over someday and it will be the turn of girls who are currently 6. The wheel keeps on turning, as it should.

  9. K-Hole (@kaywhole) at 8:38 am #

    Darwinian hate is a beautiful line.

    Banging teenagers, DT. This is way to kick the feelings inferiority.

  10. menopause-at-35 at 8:55 am #

    you hate looking at your missed / lacking / unfulfilled potential. tall? ok. but what’s to stop you from being a loser, and make a software company, become a lawyer? that’s what you’re hating really.

    and nikols, come on. can she keep a guy like that? that’s like a girl bragging about ‘her ferrari’ just because she got a ride in one. a lesser guy, and a girl with less delusions would have had the same thing, except money would have changed hands.

    • Anonymous at 10:57 am #

      Except that she can ride in a different Ferrari every day of the week.

    • nikolhasler at 12:12 pm #

      hahaha. You’re delightfully mean to/about me

  11. luiza at 7:46 pm #

    Hes nothing like his profile, theres no such Thingthing

  12. earl at 9:01 am #

    Hatred…what a pointless emotion.

    Do you know the inner workings of this guy? Perhaps he had to go through a lot of struggles….and that made him the man today. Or he could be just as messed up in the head as everyone else….but on the outside looks like it is an easy life.

    Nobody has an easy life. That is what makes us all equal.

  13. earl at 9:04 am #

    In fact…just by the fact he’s been in a war zone and works hard on things he likes to get good at them…shows that he didn’t always have it easy.

    You begin to learn that life is worth living when you realize you could die at any moment. War is a pretty good example.

    • nikolhasler at 9:28 am #

      I like how smart you think you are.

      • You're a faggot. at 2:51 pm #

        earl just got burned.
        what you got to say now, you fucking faggot?

      • K-Hole (@kaywhole) at 9:07 am #

        Hahahahahaha. God I hate Earl.

      • earl at 10:45 am #

        Thanks baby.

      • Father O'Hara at 7:45 pm #

        I bet you have the sweetest little pink clitty…

    • Not for nothing, but this guy could’ve spent a year microwaving pizzas in the Green Zone and jerking off to porn on a mil spec laptop for all we know. Not trying to denigrate the experience of the soldiers, my cousin fought in Iraq, and from what I heard there were a whole lot of people doing a whole lot of nothing.

      • Mike at 3:08 pm #

        I as well had a friend in the Marines, and a lot of soldiers over there indeed did a lot of nothing.

        Lot of defense budget tax money wasted.

  14. terrence popp at 10:17 am #

    Hello my name is Terrence popp SFC US ARMY(RET) , I to was met with divorce when I returned from Iraq. I was so disgusted at what went on in court, I started thinking, then laughing at the stupidity of it all. Please view my youtube video. If you like it check out the rest on redonkulas.com and share this link.

  15. “He asked her about her childhood sexual abuse and they acted it out.”

    Well there ya go, guy’s a fucking filthbag. You gotta be to be willing to do that, consensual or not. To use someone else’s sexual abuse for your own gratification. That’s fucking sick.

    • Mike at 3:09 pm #

      It turns women on. Nature rules

      • I would say that the women who are turned on by reenacting their childhood sexual abuse are few and far between, but what do I know. I banged this girl one time who refused to blow me because she said that the first person to make her do it was her uncle, so she didn’t do it at all. But she mighta just been saying that cause she didn’t feel like sucking my dick. Who knows.

    • K-Hole (@kaywhole) at 9:06 am #

      “I banged this girl one time who refused to blow me because she said that the first person to make her do it was her uncle, so she didn’t do it at all.”

      If she made that up, she is a genius. That’s one excuse you could never argue with.

      • Nah, she wasn’t making it up. It was weird – she said it so nonchalantly, like a girl telling you you can’t go down on her cause she’s on her period. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. Wasn’t weird enough to kill my boner, though; and it’s a good thing, cause she had one of the tightest pussies I’ve ever had the pleasure of sticking my dick in. Guess her uncle never got that far.

      • Father O'Hara at 7:46 pm #

        Was she black?

  16. Will at 12:23 pm #

    This blog is the darkest most glorious thing I’ve ever read…. I can’t stop.

    I hope you’re not this depressed in real life, because you are some kind of dark wizard poet

  17. hairy pooter the boi Wizard at 11:26 pm #

    “face like Harry Dean Stanton”
    – given that harry got to fornicate with prime jen connelly, that’s not a bad face to have. perhaps you’re just not making the most out of it.

    “I never commune with whales.”
    – not with that attitude. mindset is everything. plus, now you’re not a broke indebted loser anymore. you can afford a vacation involving whales. there’s probably some affordable service that takes you directly to the whale site and helps you scuba next to them and pet them and the whole shebang.

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