My Name is Delicious Tacos, and I’m an Alcoholic

9 Feb
image stolen from

image stolen from

Here’s the good news. In December I didn’t drink for five days in a row. I did not hallucinate bristly worms chewing out of my flesh. I did not start spasming and twitching. No one had to break my teeth with scissors and jam a wooden spoon handle down my throat to pin my squirming tongue. It takes more than five years of binge drinking every day for these things to happen, apparently. Physically I felt fine.

Here’s the bad news. I could not speak to other human beings at night. I did not write literature filled with deep human truths. I did not wake with a brighter view of the world. I filled the hours watching Mythbusters on Netflix. Jamie and Adam build a car that explodes for some reason. Kari Grant and Tori tackle whether bees are really infuriated by… something, I don’t know. I kept falling asleep.

I woke up and life still seemed like a hopeless chore. Quitting drinking is not a miracle. The world is the same, women just look uglier. That’s bad news number one.

Bad news number two: I’m back to binge drinking every night. The problem with not drinking is you have to keep not drinking forever. A finite amount of time is composed of an infinite amount of instants. Every second contains eternity and you are inside it and you have to spend that eternity not drinking while your thoughts tell you: drink drink drink.

Still. Philip Seymour Hoffman died. So someone posted Russell Brand’s piece about Alcoholics Anonymous on facebook. It reminded me: I know where the story is going. I will end up there. All that remains is to sort out the details. One very bad thing will happen. A judge will get involved. I will have to walk in to that church basement full of shakey handed fiends. One thing will break me. And cracking my skull on black tar heroin wasn’t it. Screaming at Ramparts Division cops wasn’t it. Beating up a woman while fleeing the Tarzana P.D. wasn’t it. It will be something worse.

So why not just go. Well it can’t be tonight, I have a date. And tomorrow. And the next day. I need to drink so I can be bold enough to have sex on these dates. Otherwise what’s the point of speaking to a woman. If I don’t drink I’ll be a cringing nebbish. Or I’ll have those eyes standup comedians have when you see them off stage. I hate the world and everything in it and I hate myself the most, says every single comedian’s face. But doctor, I am Pagliacci. I hate comedians.* I bet Russell Brand is the worst of them all.

Side note. Philip Seymour Hoffman’s brother had my apartment before me. Honda of Southern California once mailed him a license plate. I kept it. Thinking: what if I commit a crime and need to get out of town. Surely the cops won’t look for my distinctive antique car if it has a different license plate. I’m sorry, Philip Seymour Hoffman’s brother. I’m sure it was a hassle for you. Also about him being dead.

Anyway. I’m gonna go to Alcoholics Anonymous. There’s one up at the church on Alvarado. I went once. One day when I felt especially terrible. There was this cunt there who I’d met years ago through my ex. This cunty British cunt who gave me weird eyes as I said my name and I’m an alcoholic. So I left and went to the liquor store. Maybe she won’t be there this time. Maybe she relapsed and put her car through a school, got her head chopped off by the steering wheel. Once in a while you catch a break.

* Except you.

21 Responses to “My Name is Delicious Tacos, and I’m an Alcoholic”

  1. Nick Troyer February 9, 2014 at 4:08 pm #

    I can totally sympathize with most of this. Booze is magic fuel. Everything you say is enlightened and the women eat it up and you’re invincible. I haven’t graduated to full blown alcoholism yet, mostly out of a sense of duty (“I have to be ‘somebody!'”), but I fear I’ll get there eventually.

    When I’m sober, I might as well be fucking autistic. I just can’t talk to people. Dump a bottle of wine in me and suddenly I’m fucking Casanova. It’s stupid, but what’s the alternative? A man’s gotta eat. And by eat, I mean fuck.

  2. Anonymous February 9, 2014 at 4:47 pm #

    Your post is the first I’m responding to – ever. Dunno but I like your writing. You sound like an likeable guy who acts like a total fuck up. I know. Been there.

    So here’s the deal: I give you the magic inside view and you start writing what I need to know: how to get laid – often. You gotta know something?!

    Okay, my turn.

    1. It’s normal that everything sucks after quitting. You have to keep on for longer. What you experience is called withdrawal syndrome. It takes longer to overcome it than 5 days.

    2. Your story with the pussy I don’t believe. You don’t need booze for dicking. Yeah, it eases down, BUT you lose control and probably can’t get up your little man. You, my friend, are getting laid DESPITE your drinking. Btw by drinking you actually give power away from you to the woman. Why? Because no state control. Why? Because you eased down on it! Remember?

    3. But you are not believing me #2 because you hate yourself too much to believe you have something decent in you that girls dig you, so it MUST be the booze. Yeah, kid, kid yourself some more.

    Okay, but #3 is actually quite good in one sense:

    If you hate yourself I assume you’d love to punish yourself? Would be natural.

    Real pain. Yeah, boy, now we are talking, huh? Yeah, baby, show me what you got! Show me some hate!

    Ah, finally, something to relie on! Okay, punish yourself. Punish yourself thoroughly. Hold the hate. Hoooooooooold it! Punish yourself by not drinking.


    Yeah, I know, not nice. But the ultimate punishment for the ultimate disbehavior: hating oneself.

    Go, hate yourself, but the right way. And learn some self respect in the process.

    I’ve written this for me because once I’ve been you. And nobody has written that for me. So you better not disappoint me.

    Now, son, your turn.

  3. Atlanta Man February 9, 2014 at 5:12 pm #

    Not getting wasted sucks, AA sucks worse, court mandated drug testing and AA straight up swallows. You do not need AA to stop drinking, you just need to stop drinking. You will quit when you have real shit to do, or you will cut back to beer and wine. Some people become weed only, or weed and chicken wings. The smarter you are the more difficult it is to stop getting some kind of high or drunk because most people suck and are impossible to deal with in a constant state of sobriety. When I was forced to do AA the first thing I was told was to ” kill the intellectualism” , that is the same thing black people tell me when I mention that I do not believe in god ( note a higher power is AA’ s cornerstone). AA has a lot of sluts but it is a sausage party, and the sluts are washed up. Fuck AA, have a beer, no one likes a quitter. For the record I am a not an alcoholic I am a drunk, alcoholics go to those fucking meetings I go to the bar.

    • Anonymous February 10, 2014 at 8:08 am #

      It’s true. The most dangerous part of AA–is the anti-intellectualism. Slogan slinging. It undermines your power to analyze –unpack–and therefore choose sobriety on your terms. A sustainable life change is the goal. Not blind adherence to verse. Powerlessness. And it’s a mysoginistic shit show. Sure –people will remind you that you can easily get laid in LA. But for us women there–this tradition is only a reason to leave. I’ll take a drunk predator over a self-righteous sober idiot who won’t intellectualize any day.
      You do have to go two weeks before the inspiration returns. The writing. It’s just synapse path re-writing.

      Mostly just focus on what you want. Not what you don’t want or are afraid will happen. Travel. Work. Creativity. Take risks on those fronts and you’ll have plenty of pussy. Duh.

  4. sucks February 9, 2014 at 5:20 pm #

    Got my faggot white chip today. Im on day 1. Shit sucks bro. At least there’s good stories.

    • Atlanta Man February 9, 2014 at 5:24 pm #

      There is also coffee, Big Books, and women ravaged by their debaucherous past. I prefer the bar, there is alcohol and cocaine there but alas no coffee.

  5. ben bien February 9, 2014 at 6:45 pm #

    cheer up, at least Kenny Rogers will be playing at Pechanga, which is conveniently located between LA and SD:

  6. A♠ February 9, 2014 at 6:56 pm #

    “Or I’ll have those eyes standup comedians have when you see them off stage. I hate the world and everything in it and I hate myself the most, says every single comedian’s face. But doctor, I am Pagliacci. I hate comedians.”

    Truer words were never spoken.

    I know; I said them, myself.

    Many times.

    It’s the real reason I stopped doing stand-up.

    I was good.

    No, great.

    But so was Bill Hicks.

    And I knew I’d end up just like him.

    My body devouring itself in one final, terminal fit of self-loathing.

  7. ieendude February 9, 2014 at 7:51 pm #

    You are wise to see what’s coming. You’ve already made the first step by acknowledging that there is a problem. I promise you that if you are able to refuse that first frosty cold beer that your buddies buy you it only gets better from there. You think you need the booze to loosen up but your wrong. If you hang with any sorts of the same crowd that I do I’m pretty sure they will drink your share for you. One nice part of sobriety is complete frame control. I’ll drive. I’m sober. No I don’t want a shot of shitty Jim bean. Im not drinking. You will actually stand apart. You will notice how retarded alcohol makes people. It gives you amused mastery when you are able to manipulate conversions with drunks. Realize that nobody is really that concerned with what you are doing. After two trips to the county jail this is a new change of pace for me.

    I just picked up a drunk girl at a house party last night and stuck it in her with no remorse. She rode with the sober guy.

  8. Scott Meriwether February 9, 2014 at 11:08 pm #

    This works (for me personally without a doubt, supposedly is effective for four out of five people) Do yourself a huge favor and give it a try. That the Sinclair Method has been around for about 20 years now and is still relatively unknown is morally reprehensible.

  9. RobertCalifornia February 10, 2014 at 1:09 am #

    How strange that you post this as this particular time. I’ve been a semi-regular reader of the blog for a couple months now. I am currently in detox the hospital for alcohol dependency. I just passed the 72 hour mark and later today I’ll be checking in to rehab. I know the feeling of life feeling dull and empty without a drink or five. I’ve been drinking heavily for a few years now and after several close calls with police, bar incidents, and how I’ve been treating people I realized that if I hadn’t made this decision someone else would have made it for me. Thanks for your writing and I hope you stick to those meetings.

  10. Shenpen February 10, 2014 at 3:20 am #

    I have some successes with replacing booze with sugar. This is not much healthier, of course, still I found if I reward myself after a workday with some cake I can survive without having to booze up and in moderation that can be better.

    I wouldn’t recommend AA, it may work but it is just downright cultish and horrible for your self-respect. There are other ways, Rational Recovery, exposure training etc.

    But mainly for me just getting a bit of a sugar high when too bored then surviving the evening without drinking can usually work.

    I wonder how you PUA guys who care about your looks can drink? Drinking made me fat, I mean. I was never much into unhealthy food when sober, but 4-5 beers a day is a lots of calories, plus the booze makes the usual grease craving kick in and then I just must fill up with bacon, eggs and bread. Booze gives an incredible kick to stomach acid and with that to hunger, Saturday night we had a bit of party drinking brutal moonshine, I ended up going to bed at like 19:00 and I got up like every 3 hours, basically three times until morning, to have a meal because my stomach was just raging.

    I don’t know how there is such a person as a non-fat drinker. Just does not compute at all.

    • Atlanta Man February 10, 2014 at 9:39 am #

      You can be good looking and a drinker. You just work, hit the gym for 1-2 hours , and then you go home and drink. I have a six pack , diesel chest and arms and squat 425. I am 38 and still banging hot young chicks, most people I know in Miami get down like this. I understand nation wide it is not like this but in Miami, LA, and NY body matters and diesel is default for men.

      • Laguna Beach Fogey February 10, 2014 at 11:27 am #

        Well said, it *can* be done.

  11. A Soupçon of Cocksnot February 10, 2014 at 10:39 am #

    Cool the fuck off, kid. Do Work.
    Be Good. Be at Peace.

  12. swede55 February 10, 2014 at 1:37 pm #

    I recommend the book The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Allen Carr.

  13. Dog February 10, 2014 at 6:37 pm #

    Go to rehab if you can.

  14. Anonymous February 10, 2014 at 8:15 pm #

    Your commenters have gotten progressively less interesting.

    • Shutup faggot February 13, 2014 at 9:15 am #

      fucking irony. faggot.

  15. Drifterzz February 26, 2014 at 8:17 pm #

    I’m making another attempt at sobriety, come join me and or see if it works out this time.


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