The Last Hangover

12 Feb
image stolen from

image stolen from

I should have gone out with a five gram coke binge. Topped it off with some nasty skid row black tar. But this will have to do.

I’ve been sitting inside all day hung over. Reading stupid shit on the internet and listening to Opie and Anthony. Masturbating to small penis humiliation videos. I have work to do, important work. Big real estate project and a bunch of writing stuff. I need the money. I am too hung over.

I met up with another man-o-sphere blogger. First time doing that. I’d imagined they were all furious chromosome-damaged woman haters. But this guy was cool. We exchanged fuck stories. Four martinis with him. The bus back from Los Feliz drops you in front of the liquor store. I bought half a pint of brandy. When I’d finished it I got a text from a girl. She brought wine. I began pounding it. She has a beautiful body. She let me take a naked picture so I could send it to the man-o-sphere guy. So I would look cool to him. I am almost forty years old and I tell men I meet off the internet to smell my finger. I finished the wine. We watched Virgin Suicides on the couch. When Heart played I squealed with delight. I was too drunk to get an erection.

Tonight I’m gonna join AA. I thought it would be a church basement, but it’s a senior center. The place where old people go to not die when it’s hot. My ex found me a meeting where the people won’t scare me off. She’s been in this shit for years. Her brother got murdered in a small town drug beef. She started drinking handles of store brand vodka at fourteen. Huffing spray paint and sucking dick at truck stops. She never returns my texts but when I asked about AA she got back faster than the speed of light. They’re evangelists. She knew I’d end up here but she didn’t gloat.

I don’t want to stop drinking. I want to have three glasses of pinot and catch a nice buzz. I want to have a rager once in a while, maybe get some Mexican high school girl pregnant. But I can’t control it. I get blackout drunk on a fucking Tuesday.

So this. And what if it makes me fuck up with girls, I think. What if I can’t write. What if I have no more stories. People read me because I’m like Charles Bukowski. He never stopped drinking. What if that’s why he stayed good. Every other old guy sucks. What if, what if. Well shit, if that stuff happens I’ll start drinking again.

Maybe it’ll actually give me material. Except Alcoholics Anonymous has been so done to fucking death. Every “creative” jerkoff is in AA and won’t shut the fuck up about it. Anything you say is already a cliché.. I’m an asshole and that’s fine but I don’t want to be that kind of asshole. That AA asshole. Still. Three fucking blackouts a week, man. Jesus.

My higher power is gonna be art. Suck my dick if you think that’s pretentious. My higher power is going to be this fucking web site about pussy, and my book. I will have energy. I’ll be agitated to write things. Great things. Or shitty things, who knows. Watch this space.

Who fucking knows. In two days I could be hammered again. In the meantime, it’ll be nice to be able to drive at night. But then where the fuck am I gonna go.

35 Responses to “The Last Hangover”

  1. theprivateman February 12, 2014 at 6:55 pm #

    Research “Rational Recovery”

  2. Atlanta Man February 12, 2014 at 7:24 pm #

    Listen man I will give it to you straight up because I like your shit. AA is not going to help you, it will not stop your drinking, and you are wasting your time with that bullshit. You don’t believe in god, you will never believe in god, and you are not stupid enough to start beliving in god so AA will do you no good. What you can do is multifaceted so I will give you a quick rundown. Here are three options if you want more Email me and we can talk , I will slide you my phone number if you want to talk. Here it goes,

    1) You can cut back switching to only beer and wine, or marajauna , or a combination of all three. Life sober is tough especially when you have no work to do and nothing to dedicate yourself to.

    2) you can choose to do something with your life. You can go to law school, medical school, learn EE or computer science. This will give you purpose and a reason not to get wasted because you have shit to do. If you go to graduate/ professional school you will see women you can sleep with and be around productive people. This will have a positive effect on your mood.

    3) you can continue to get wasted, and keep doing what you are doing.

    You are my age so I will not dick around with you. I get fucked up, I used to be a drug counselor, I am doing shit with my life but I am behind where I want to be. You are not to old to do most things and you are smart enough to get past any licensure or entrance exam to any profession. If you are getting completely slammed three times a week at your age you are likely depressed, or in a rut life wise . You are not yet an addict because you have not experienced the DT’s or compromised everything for opiates. Buy some weed , smoke it alone, and think deeply about what you want to do going forward. You can email me anytime and I will hit you back. Don’t sweat anything and thank god you are a man because your best years are still ahead. Stay up Delicous Tacos.

    • Brosimo de' Medici February 12, 2014 at 9:15 pm #

      You mean you’re smarter than David Foster Wallace?

      P.S. You’re a lot fucking dumber than David Foster Wallace.

      P.P.S. On the other hand DFW hanged himself and let his wife find the body, so fuck him. But even with that, he was still a shitload smarter than you.

      • Brosimo de' Medici February 12, 2014 at 9:17 pm #

        P.P.P.S. Good luck, DT. Whatever ya do.

    • vonzex February 12, 2014 at 11:30 pm #

      This^ I don’t have anything more to add. Atlanta Man has said it all.

  3. Badger February 12, 2014 at 7:44 pm #

    Good luck man.

  4. L. Roy Aiken February 12, 2014 at 8:29 pm #

    The strangest thing about Bukowski is that he didn’t understand alcoholism. I’m trying to remember where I read it but he wrote a poem in which he expressed bafflement at a fellow’s condition for having to quit before the drinking killed him. In the end, Buk reckoned the guy a lightweight.

    From the outside looking in, Buk was, at worst, a highly functional alcoholic. But I’m not convinced he was so hooked on the sauce that he got the DTs when he went without, the mark of the true alkie addict. (We’d have seen poems about those, I’m sure.) Bukowski just liked to drink, that’s all. I think Stephen King described the alcoholic process best when he said in *Insomnia,* a guys just drinks and drinks and then one day “your booze gills close up” and they can’t handle the stuff anymore without the Jekyll/Hyde blackout shit. That apparently never happened to Bukowski.

  5. runsonmagic (@runsonmagic) February 12, 2014 at 8:32 pm #

    God bless you man. I hope you get what you need and whatever need booze filled, making art fills better.

    If you can get drunk ROK writers from the internet, feel free to ask for support from us as well. Good luck.

  6. mikeinauckland February 12, 2014 at 9:29 pm #

    Bro, try it, go hard. Being an alcoholic sounds boring as shit.

  7. Ben Bien February 12, 2014 at 9:51 pm #

    for what it’s worth, I read your writing because it’s funny and honest. I’d wager that’s why most of your readers come back here, why they bookmark your site.

    I’ve never read 1 chapter of bukowski. at most, I’ve seen factotum; it was whatever.

    abstaining from alcohol is worth trying. just to get a sense of contrast. just to see if your fears (not being good with girls/writing) become real or if they’re just imagined.

    the overly positive AA approach might actually disgust you so much it makes you want to drink more. that’s what it did to me at least.

    so I definitely agree with fellow readers who say AA is not the only way.

    for what it’s worth, the hottest girl I’ve ever banged so far was a 19 year old, on a hang-over day, but i was stone sober when it all happened.

    keep writing my friend. Art is one of the few things worth living for.


    • Atlanta Man February 13, 2014 at 12:00 am #

      AA will lead to alcohol consumption, and hearing stories from those addicts lets you know you are not that bad off.

  8. MasterSlave February 13, 2014 at 12:16 am #

    Beyond that slight bit of extra smoothness one or two drinks can provide, alcohol makes me far, FAR worse with girls. Just saying

  9. BB753 February 13, 2014 at 7:07 am #

    My recommendation are: 1) don´t touch brandy or any other hard liquors. Stick to beer. Only beer. Try Guiness.
    2) Keep away from coke, acid, or any other hard drugs. Smoke marihuana in small doses instead.
    3) Go the psychiatrist.You´re likely depressed or bipolar. In any case, they´ve got drugs that can keep your anxiety in check. Maybe cheer you up. If you can´t get a boner, ask him to prescribe Viagra for you. He´ll oblige.
    4) Don´t stop smoking ever. You need nicotine to survive. Just cut it down to one pac a day.
    5) Change your lifestyle. You can meet people online interested in literature or photography that you can join in group meetings. Keep away from drunkards and cokeheads.
    6) Get a regular job. A manual job will do you real good.
    7) Leave LA, eventually. No human being should live there.
    8) Stop fapping and porn.

  10. Milton Day February 13, 2014 at 8:32 am #

    My Jekyll/Hyde surfaced about 2 years ago. i would stop at a bar after work and then find myself covered in my own piss the next morning needed to go to a deposition. No phone, no wallet. this happened weekly. I decided to stop completely. The weird thing is, I was afraid to stop drinking. This made no logical sense to me, but the only proper way it can be described is fear. Shit sucks for a while. You just gotta push through it. Keep a journal. Write the shit down. I have fucked up a few times, but rarely. Still piss my pants when I fuck up.

  11. Brian February 13, 2014 at 9:59 am #

    I finally realized that, for me, the party’s over. I’m getting out while I still can. Been on a 12 year drinking run. Some drugs, too. I’d been drinking every other day for months, 6 beers or more mixed in with pints of vodka. At least one or two nights a week I was pretty wasted. Recently, one day, I noticed that my liver hurt, slightly but noticeably, in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen. That scared me. Said enough. I want to live. A life going around and around in circles, repeating the same pattern over and over again, is hell on earth, and a sure road to ruin. I’m choosing to find a purpose for my life.

  12. Anonymous February 13, 2014 at 10:27 am #

    “And what if it makes me fuck up with girls.” As opposed to… being too hammered to make it happen?

    • Anonymous February 13, 2014 at 11:11 am #

      yeah. we’ve all been there.

      deltaco does it hilariously; still manages to pop back in and have blackout sex.

      here are some pimpcats:

  13. phillipseymorhoffman'sghost February 13, 2014 at 11:44 am #

    pull yourself together man, you don’t need AA and you don’t need hard liquor.

    you don’t want to be that guy, wherein you have so little self-control you can never enjoy a drink again or that other guy who needs chips and jesus and bullshitting to skirt around personal responsibility

    • Atlanta Man February 13, 2014 at 11:56 am #

      Preach.This ^ is correct.

  14. samiam February 13, 2014 at 11:56 am #

    What is your resting pulse rate and body temperature? Alcoholics are disproportionately hypothyroid. Alcohol alleviates the symptoms and feels especially good when you’re metabolically suppressed. When I got my metabolism up my strong cumpulsion to knock back three or four every night pretty much dissappeared.

    If your resting pulse rate is under 70 bpm and your day time body temperature is under 98F the first thing you should do is fix your nutrition, not attend AA.

    • samiam February 13, 2014 at 12:25 pm #

      The other factor closely related to hypothyroidism in the context of alcohol abuse is elevated serotonin levels. Alcohol rapidly clears excess serotonin and so a drink feels extra good when you have this problem. Booze hounds are typically “self medicating” in a sense. I am sure I had this problem and fixed it with dietary measures. Tianeptine can also be very, very useful.

      Get a thyroid blood panel. Get on a strict diet for a while, and possibly supplemental thyroid hormone. Danny Roddy is a good starting point to read more about this stuff, even though he doesn’t write in the context of alcoholism. The ideas and diet are the same.

      • Sylvia February 14, 2014 at 11:52 pm #

        i’m sure it has more to do with his posting his every day life on a blog and getting positive feedback for living the life every man secretly wants to live. idk why being jobless and having no real love in life is what every man secretly wants but I’m not a man so I can’t judge. Also, as you well know, alcoholism can be a genetic predisposition. Hopefully he’s at least getting enough thiamin.

  15. Thumotic February 13, 2014 at 1:31 pm #

    Good luck man, and stay healthy.

    A lot of people are excited for that book.

  16. хуйня February 13, 2014 at 4:39 pm #

    “Don’t Try.”

  17. a February 13, 2014 at 6:22 pm #

    Bukowski didn’t stay that good.

    • Anonymous February 14, 2014 at 3:15 am #

      Bukowski is fucking overrated.

      • Sylvia February 14, 2014 at 11:43 pm #

        people really need to get off bukowski’s balls. vonnegut, emerson, whitman, hemmingway, faulkner, etc. everyone who comments about bukowski is a pandering dbag.

  18. Anonymous February 13, 2014 at 9:00 pm #

    Good luck and keep writing. I am off alcohol 8 days now because of Jason Vale’s Kick the Drink. Doesn’t sound like much, but I’ve been drinking everyday for over six years. Search online for a free pdf version. Worst case scenario you waste 5 hours reading it.

  19. Anonymous February 13, 2014 at 10:44 pm #

    DT’s words from a year ago:

    “Why don’t you drink alcohol? Are you religious? God does not exist. Drink alcohol. Family history of alcohol abuse? They abused it for a reason: it’s awesome. Drink alcohol. Afraid of damaging your organs and blunting your wits? A healthy liver and the ability to recall who played The Beastmaster are no reasons to go through life miserable.”

    “So fuck keeping your wits about you. Your wits aren’t worth shit; they will just make you nervous. Drink a couple pops of the forgetting juice and turn into the cave creature from Altered States. That’s what women want, seriously.”


    – Devil’s Advocate

  20. redpillcomic February 14, 2014 at 12:25 am #

    Good luck. You’re either ready to quit or you’re not.

  21. freeman February 14, 2014 at 7:59 am #

    I’m not so sure about AA. Something about surrounding yourself with people that are prone to substance abuse doesn’t appeal to me.

    I’ve seriously cut down my drinking, and this is how I did it. Maybe it will work for you, maybe it won’t. The main thing that did it for me was not keeping any alcohol at home. Like you, I’d want to keep it to 3 per sitting, but after the third I’d always think “why not? Just one more.” until I’d black out most times. By not keeping it at home, you’re forced to go to a local bar or a friend’s place if you want some. This was very effective to me and forced me to associate alcohol with socializing.

    The other thing that helped was finding a hobby that took too much time out of my schedule to allow enough time to drink. Get creative.

  22. Sylvia February 14, 2014 at 11:35 pm #

    marley n me

    • Anonymous February 15, 2014 at 12:16 pm #

      Do shut up.
      Even the pandering d-bags are more entertaining.


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