Plus One

2 Jun
image of renowned thespian james "the cuntcrusher" cromwell stolen from

image of renowned thespian james “the cuntcrusher” cromwell stolen from

I wasn’t supposed to fuck her but I did. And it was amazing, frankly. Five foot one 22 year old Japanese girl. Art student. Those details have no place in the story but fuck you, I’m bragging. Just typing about her gives me an erection.

I told my sponsor I wouldn’t be a pig about it. This would be a healthy get to know you. I would be open about my feelings and focus on giving the person a good night, rather than piggishly chewing up meaningless ass. Why are you even going, he said. I thought you really liked this other girl. You’re right, I said. You’re absolutely right. I totally hear you. This is about learning to relate to other human beings in sobriety. I will stay in touch with my higher power and keep an open heart, man. I promise. The thought bubble over my head said “pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy.”

I thought you liked this other girl. Dumbass, I do, and that’s why I have to keep fucking everything that moves. Don’t you understand women. Women know one thing: they like you if you’re fucking other women. Fucking the first girl the first time was hitting the god damn lottery. Now I must safeguard my winnings. You make money by having money. You get pussy by having pussy. This is an investment. I won’t have to touch the nest egg of this girl I relate to, her laugh and her hair all tangled on her Crate and Barrel pillows. The light hitting her in the morning. Don’t you get it?

She was cool and interesting and I kept an open heart. But I also rawdogged her on the futon I’d left out for Nikol’s son to crash on when I was babysitting. She had a tight pussy and she’s young enough to be my kid. I have no job and I can barely write. I look like James Cromwell with Owen Wilson’s hideous gin-blossomed penis-beak pasted on him. How are you gonna turn down ass when you’re dealt that hand.

In ancient times, the martyrs would not renounce their God. Instead they chose the lions. Not me. Those fuckers can stay hungry.

19 Responses to “Plus One”

  1. All DT Commenters June 2, 2014 at 4:13 pm #

    This is golden. You haven’t lost your edge, yet. I fuck Asians. You should move away from LA. You should write a novel. I thought you died.

    • All DT Commenters June 2, 2014 at 4:14 pm #

      Whiny faggot

      • Pan Cakes June 2, 2014 at 4:50 pm #

        Hi Ben,
        You really should have quit commenting instead of quitting writing.
        Some of your written stuff was good, but your failure was trying to promote it the way you did. Should have just left a casual Website link (people would have discovered your stuff gradually) as opposed to being blatant about it. That came off as desperate & greedy.
        But even then, you still let the negative comments get to you.
        Really, what did you expect? I am sure that more than a few of us keep tuning in here because of the way the bitterness & negativity gets articulated. So it goes. Keep growing, keep writing.
        Learn how to filter out the noise and you’ll be fine.

      • Whiny Faggots, LTD June 2, 2014 at 5:47 pm #

        Hi Pan Cakes,

        You should really quit eating your own farts.

      • Jan Michael Vincent's Foreskin June 2, 2014 at 7:32 pm #

        I quit. commenting is just too damn hard.

      • ben June 5, 2014 at 6:54 pm #

        hey Pan Cakes,

        that wasn’t me.

        i did stop commenting.

        but i didn’t stop writing.

        i write but don’t publish online anymore. i used to do that drunk or stoned out of my mind.

        but lately i’ve stopped drinking and stopped checking out this site as often.


  2. Hunt Gather Write June 2, 2014 at 6:21 pm #

    Great double post. Each one improves the other.

    • shitty mitty June 3, 2014 at 2:18 pm #

      Indeed, good work lately.

  3. Atlanta Man June 2, 2014 at 7:29 pm #

    Thanks again !

  4. whatthefuckever June 3, 2014 at 1:04 am #

    Big fuckin’ baby. You deserve LA, and your misery. You choose it. Look at this entire blog, it’s a man telling a story about himself. It’s a man who WANTS that story– yes, you want this. Notice how it’s not the story about ‘how I worked really hard, changed my life and made life better for other people, too.’ This is a story about what you THINK is cool. Guess what, 50 will be here right around the corner, ‘Californication’ is just a TV show not something to (pretend to) base your life on.

    The drones here laugh with you. Everyone with half a fucking brain laughs at you, because you’re doing this to yourself, which is all you ever think about anyways.

    • Richard "Backdoor" Bachmann June 3, 2014 at 7:01 am #

      yet you still read every word the dude writes…

  5. drunk whore June 5, 2014 at 6:03 pm #

    just laughed at my desk at “Now I must safeguard my winnings.”

    it was nice to run into you at the grocery store. you’re hotter sober.

    • Anonymous June 6, 2014 at 2:51 am #

      seems like you have yet another groupie, DT

  6. snarky comment June 5, 2014 at 7:15 pm #

    oh, so you’re a non-ugly, tall White male age 30-40 and you banged an Asian girl.

    would you also like to tell us about how you like to shoot fish in a barrel?

    • Atlanta Man June 6, 2014 at 7:50 am #

      it is still fish….

      • Cletus Bubbaspank June 7, 2014 at 9:59 am #

        very, very true.

        and thus — congrats on the 2 new confirmed lays, dtaco.

        you are a model citizen and a scholar of latin phrases.

        i had something else more intelligent to contribute but forgot, so:


        also — glad the cat’s still alive, though i would like photo evidence to make sure it is not malnourished.

  7. blahhh man June 6, 2014 at 8:44 pm #

    I love reading this fucking blog. Somehow DT always gets me laughing. A rare talent indeed.

  8. Stephen June 10, 2014 at 11:58 am #

    You sort of look like a young Peter Fonda, imo.


  1. Plus One | - June 2, 2014

    […] Plus One […]

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