Romantic Life

26 Oct
image stolen from

image stolen from

I take my sponsor’s love advice even though he’s basically an idiot. This OKCupid and Tinder with you; it’s compulsive, he says. Surrender shit to God’s hands and learn to love yourself. Go talk to women in real life. Seek genuine connection, etc. He’s an idiot because he’s good looking and gregarious. What then would he know about women. I spend every second of my inner life gnawing at my own soul and my face looks like it was hit with a shovel. Yet I occasionally get laid. Therefore: genius.

Anyway, I tried it. Turns out there are no women anywhere to talk to. They’ve all been sequestered away somewhere by louder better looking men. They’re all at some house I wasn’t invited to, some party with a pool. When there is one– like, there’s a cute girl at one of the AA meetings I go to. I’ve noticed her a couple times. Young Asian, perfect face, but those weird buck teeth so you think you have a shot. After the serenity prayer I waited patiently on the sidewalk for my chance to talk to her. Finally it came. The instant half a word was out of my mouth another, louder man swooped in and literally grabbed her by the shoulders and turned her toward him and asked her on a date. He was uglier than me, even– or at least, he has no chin; he is stupider than me, less funny than me. But he knew one thing: all men are piranhas swarming on one thumb sized piece of flesh. There are a billion men behind every fucking bush and forget waiting for your shot. Coming up with the right shit to say. You won’t get an instant of a woman’s time. You better make an instant, and when you do you better pull the trigger.

She said no. She was embarrassed and scared. He didn’t get his date but what he did was enough to blow it for me. Me and my long setup, show how funny I am, and then subtly, subtly over weeks build something up. I’m left standing there like a douche knowing I’m just like him. A difference of degree not type.

Anyway: her loss.

7 Responses to “Romantic Life”

  1. Make Me Flesh Again Soon October 26, 2014 at 11:46 am #

    You want to meet the Girl With Green Eyes,
    hit up some open mic night & slam out some Preludes.
    Aint like Parkening slept alone.
    But then, the whole front row might be fulla them self-anointed Comedians
    just waiting for their five minutes… Kinda like here.

  2. Zelcorpion October 26, 2014 at 12:19 pm #

    Tacos – you should check out the Daygame model by some London Daygamers like KrauserPUA, Steve Jabba or the crew. That’s the better kind of “dating advice” that God provides. God gave us Mystery and the following apostles expanded the Bible of Getting Pussy to new levels. There are even Game seminars led by 50yo professional PUAs, so there is no excuse for you – at least if you don’t have body-fat around 40%.

  3. whatarandomfuckingguy October 26, 2014 at 8:52 pm #

    I’ve missed you, friend.

  4. hilary swank's hairy taint October 27, 2014 at 9:11 pm #

    your writing’s good.

    • hillery swanks hairy taint II October 28, 2014 at 2:45 pm #

      Duuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh fart you, fart sac^
      You shoulda been an Abortion.

      • miley "cum dumpster" cyrus November 6, 2014 at 12:02 am #

        i wish i were an aborted fetus.

        researchers could’ve used the stem cells.

        to do research on sciencey shit like how to grow back a detached penis.

        something that you’d benefit from.


  1. Romantic Life | - October 26, 2014

    […] Romantic Life […]

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