Diary: I Just Want to Eat Asian Ass Forever

18 Nov
image stolen from montereybayaquarium.org

image stolen from montereybayaquarium.org

Mary. Mary from AA.. She is 34 years old, she revealed. 34! She looks 14. Asians.

I need her to move into my apartment. Cocoon herself in a sleeping bag on my couch and not shower for 15 days. I come home and just sniff her armpits and we rut like demons. I need her to stroke my hair and tell me not to worry about my job. Fold herself into me while we fall asleep watching Game of Thrones. We smoke on the porch and then I bend her over the rail and breed her like a prize hog in front of the neighbors. I need her to crawl on my back after leg day. Oil up my ass and walk on my spine. Answer in garbled half-English when I ask if I should take my underwear off….

I’m getting her mixed in with the Thai massage I got yesterday. The masseuse was fat but she walked on my back anyway. Spine popped like a machine gun. She kept pulling down my underwear to get at my ass. I’d said my lower back hurt. And it did, from Romanian deadlifts. But Thai massage places– “lower back” means “stroke my ass.” “Upper thighs” means “please please jerk me off.” My lower back hurt like fuck and I told her so. But what she did was reach into my cat underwear and finger my crack. I got an erection. Asked her if I should take my underwear off. Not so she could jerk me off but because I like those cat underwear. They are my “date” underwear. I don’t want them to get oily.

She didn’t speak good English. It came off like I was asking her to stroke my pecker, which was admittedly hard. Should I, uh, should I take these off, I asked, trying to make it clear that I was not saying please rub this ragingly hard penis. Not that I didn’t want her to but they have a big sign; it says WE GIVE MASSAGE ONLY, NOTHING ELSE. I don’t want to creep her out. I want her to suck my dick but I accept that she won’t. She won’t suck me off but she will carefully cup and tickle my oily ass until my cock is so stiff it’s glowing and then stand on my spine and crush the boner she made into the thin prison mattress. I just need her to flip me over and squat and wrap her hot fat third world twat around my meatpipe. Let me cum in her raw in two pumps and bear my child and never speak to me about it or make me pay for it. Why is that too much to ask.

Anyway, Mary. She is 34 years old. I want her to plant her soft feet on my collarbones and spread her legs and wrap her cuntflaps over my mouth and nose like the alien facehugger. Get all my oxygen and nutrients from her salty pussy juice until I die of old age. Why is that too much to ask. I want my face to be sewn doggystyle into her musky Chinese cameltoe like Human Centipede. Crawl around for the rest of my life sniffing her taint and inhaling her dingleberies. She colored her hair. Put a blonde streak in it. She looks like the bass player off a Jem and the Holograms lunchbox now and that stokes my hard on for her with the nuclear heat of childhood boner nostalgia. I need to make a hundred billion dollars. Declare myself Emperor of the World for the sole purpose of making her my slave and broodmare. Why is that too much to ask. I need to buy her entire family. Hold them hostage so she’s forced to cuddle with me and watch Netflix with my warm winter boner ensconced between her tiny hot hams. I need to quit my job and quit my hobbies and quit breathing and merge with her flesh and die like an anglerfish. Why is that too much to ask.

Asian women. Why are white guys so into them, people ask. It’s because they are infinitely better. The other chick from that meeting, the Cambodian- she must be close to my age, when a white woman has skin like beef jerky and walks around talking about her job. Not Lilly. She is willowy and her skin is golden and her hair is the tail of a black unicorn. I want to die and come back as her tapeworm. Frolic forever in the H.R. Giger wonderland of her ridgy pink colon.

White women, any flaw becomes a dealbreaker. Asian girls get a pass. Mary’s head is shaped like the Apollo space capsule. Pointy on top and huge at the bottom. Her weird too small teeth like a pulp novel cannibal. She’s a 6 really. But the Asian 6 is the most sought after creature on Earth. I wouldn’t fuck a cankly white girl but I would graft (REDACTED)’s 1950’s elderly nurse cankles to my temples and plow her tangy cunt with the impossibly long untangled straight jet black pubes forever.

My Korean friend Cathy from college. She’s pushing forty but her meaty rippling thoroughbred ass makes me want to murder children. I want to wake up in a Twilight Zone episode where everyone’s face is Cathy’s ass because of some wish I made to an evil genie. Or no– I’ve told the genie: I want to have that ass forever. As you wish, he says. Cut to our wedding day. You may now kiss the bride. I lift the veil. Instead of a face it’s Cathy’s ass. Her crusty roadworn 40 year old asshole puckers for a kiss. In the pews the genie rubs his hands together, cackling. But I shoot him the double guns and smile. Thank you, I tell him. This is exactly what I wanted.

22 Responses to “Diary: I Just Want to Eat Asian Ass Forever”

  1. хуйня November 18, 2014 at 10:06 pm #

    Hmm… but can she cook

  2. hedgehoginventions November 19, 2014 at 5:44 am #

    Your thirstiest post bar none, what happend?

  3. Bango Tango November 19, 2014 at 3:35 pm #

    One Day you May….master that Romanian deadlift.

  4. whatever November 20, 2014 at 6:14 am #

    You Sir, are the most entertaining writer on the Internet. Hilarious shit.

  5. Doug November 23, 2014 at 9:41 am #

    It’s gotten to the point where American men pretty much HAVE to go Asian. If they want to date women roughly in their looks league that is.

    Luckily I’ve always found Asian women pretty attractive anyway. Especially SEA (dem curves and exceptional aging genetics). I recently met a 32 year old Filipina who looked like a hot college student for God’s sake.

    Another bonus to dating Asians: snug, one-size-fits-none pussies. I felt like Jonah Falcon with my last one, and I’m just an average white guy.

  6. God Bless Texas November 23, 2014 at 5:01 pm #

    I love Asian women. Been moving more and more businesses off-shore with one moving to China just so that I can go there and write it off – thank you American tax-payers… American women are fine for a ONS, but quality? Look for the “Made in China” label…

    I’ve heard it referred to as “yellow fever”… 🙂

  7. Valeria November 24, 2014 at 2:00 pm #

    This is disgusting. Racist. Pathetic crap that you can’t excuse. Even sobriety can’t make you grow into a decent person

    • Queefer Sutherland November 28, 2014 at 3:58 am #

      Hey everybody, somebody is outraged on the internet because they disagree with an opinion nobody forced them to read. What’s that? …They’re asking if maybe you’re lost and need an adult. I assured them that you’re most likely a hybrid species of butterfly human that ages rapidly and that by the time you get this reply it will need like days of old and sweetly reminisce about how you used to hold hands with the older Tanner boy and share a lime phosphate you got at the druggist. Oh, those were the days, eh Valeria?

      • Don Queefote November 30, 2014 at 6:23 am #

        You are still mad that you did not have a larger role in
        Conan the destroyer, Valeria (I am too, kinda).
        Best part of that lamentable flick was
        every. single. frame. w/ Queen Taramis. Hubba Hubba.

        Hey, do you think she became one of Wilt the Stilt’s 20,000 ?

    • Anonymous December 1, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

      … Said the white chick.

    • Xam February 28, 2016 at 9:20 am #

      You kill babies. To each their own right ?

  8. Ruprecht November 24, 2014 at 9:18 pm #

    Wait if she just provided massage services, why the H. E. Doublehockeysticks was she fingering your crack?

  9. maya rudolph the red cunt reindeer AKA shen hwang November 28, 2014 at 11:46 am #

    you forgot to mention the fact that ~90% of asian girls are horny 100% of the time and are fiendish for white peen because they grew up under strict parents who forbade them to go out. they went to high school typically with limpdick dudes named shen hwang who were more obsessed with studying for the SATs, getting straight A’s and playing video games than gaming girls into giving up their snatch patch.

    by my asian accountant math skills, you are leaving 99% of the pussy on the table and probably only laying 1% of the total potential asian twat that’s available to you in that fine multicultural city known as Lust Angeles.

    use your white privilege. no, scratch that, you ought to be abusing your white privilege to the max, Dtacos.

  10. overzealous fan November 29, 2014 at 4:41 pm #

    honest to god, i saved one of your blog posts, copied it into a word doc, printed it out, and then nutted a sticky off-white load onto it. that’s how good your writing is. it inspires me to put pen to paper. fingers to keys. or in this case, cum on a standard 8.5×11 sheet. i would send you the “tribute” photo, but it’ll probably be weird and endanger our non-existent friendship.

    bravo tacos. bravo.

    • You Zealots Are Like Candy To Me November 30, 2014 at 12:30 am #

      I printed your comment & did the very same thing.

      Thin paper feels great; earlier I peeled the label from a can of
      Progresso™ Low-Sodium Minestrone & stashed that shit
      like Ron Silver snuck the gun in BLUE STEEL (1989).
      There is something about the way it feels against the Glans…
      Imma pump round after round from my yogurt rifle into its fibers
      once I decide on another Fantasy starring YOU, internet studmuffin.
      I think you’re worth the risk of absorbing some BPA.

      Then, into the ol scrapbook with all the others… Forgotten.

      • Potential Riposte November 30, 2014 at 8:16 pm #

        In conclusion: five stars.

  11. Frankie Vergón September 17, 2015 at 9:21 pm #

    Very engaging entertaining blog entry… Asian pussy is the best one…. So tight!!!

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