Letter to My 20 Year Old Self

1 Dec

It never ends. Just so you know. You’re almost forty now. Yesterday you nearly cried as you unfriended a college girl on facebook.* She wasn’t returning your texts.** She had a toad face and she was a shitty poet but she was the last girl who will ever like you. You still masturbate ten times a day and then go out and look at girls like they’re the last clean water after the nukes hit. They look at you like you’re an insect. It never ends. Text a girl to confirm a date and only then does she tell you OMG*** I’m stuck at work! Her friend has a concert she forgot about, or some shit, and you still think: I will be stupid and awkward and ugly forever. Or if the planets line up and you get her back to your house, you come too fast. Still.

You’ll be a hundred twenty years old getting sad from dumb girls on OKCupid.**** You could be Emperor of the planet with a fifteen inch dick and you’d still be ugly in the mirror. You depend on woman for happiness and woman is a treacherous beast. But what else are you going to reach for. Job, money, a nice hairstyle– all bullshit. There’s nothing but girls and girls are cunts from having it too easy, until they get old and turn invisible. It’s still like this 20 years later. On the plus side you’re not bald.

* an internet rolodex

** email you send on your phone

*** “omigod” abbreviated. People often abbreviate in texts.

**** personal ads on the internet

40 Responses to “Letter to My 20 Year Old Self”

  1. Rancid Olive Oil Smells Like Crayons December 1, 2014 at 9:33 pm #

    Here is a super flick about interpersonal relations after the Big One

    A Boy and His Dog (1975)

  2. Anonymous December 2, 2014 at 1:42 am #

    Seeing your patterns, the flashing forth and back of your constantly whipsawing emotions as you ride the smugness of a new hookup into the ground like an old exhausted horse, played a role in getting me permanently off OKC and Tinder and all those other demoralizing sites and saying “Hi my name is ____” to girls who make eye contact with me IRL. Thank you.

    From one neurotic to another it’s really not that bad out there. It’s only the worst of women that go online: the smug, the ambitious, the overcompensating ugly ducklings, the vampires, the addicts, the narcissists, the fickle, the stupid, the hookers and almost-hookers, and that’s been the sample of women from which you’ve erroneously drawn your cynical conclusions. You’re only in the early stages of healing but have yet a ways to go; you’re still a sick man drawn to sick things. Once you win back your health they won’t appeal to you. It’s really not that bad out there in the real world.

    • J.A.F.O December 2, 2014 at 3:54 am #

      Who among you has not fallen to the lure of the Gimmie Girls,
      and the only thing you lay down is your 90 mins & 50 bucks

      The draw for these sites = a Target full of false idols.
      Contact a dozen people in as many minutes from a bus seat.
      Very dangerous thing if you have an addictive personality

      Glad you could break away. THAT is an example to follow.

    • C December 3, 2014 at 5:07 am #

      Clearly you’re new around here

  3. whatever December 2, 2014 at 1:39 pm #

    Fucking write your fucking book already. This is the funniest shit I’ve read for weeks.*

    *True.

    • Anonymous December 4, 2014 at 11:02 am #

      *Very sad

  4. MasteroftheUniverse December 2, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

    I love you man, but for the life of me i can’t get why you’re so depressed and obsessed over girls. You’re 40 and still didn’t find something that at least comes close to a passion? There’s so much shit to do in life, try learning how to play an instrument, build a business, learn how to ride a motorcycle, write a book(wink wink). Instead you’re hitting on girls on Okstupid and drinking yourself to death. Pull it together man.

    • hey Climb, December 3, 2014 at 3:31 am #

      you could try learning some layout.
      your blog is white letters on a white screen.

    • Anonymous December 3, 2014 at 7:15 pm #

      This is his passion. Hitting on average girls on the internet and, when that fails, getting attention from you guys.

  5. FRV December 3, 2014 at 4:25 am #

    Or you could just take California Rocket Fuel and not give a single fuck now or forever.

  6. mukatsuku December 3, 2014 at 10:06 am #

    A nice hairstyle is not bullshit!

  7. mikeinauckland December 4, 2014 at 2:21 pm #

    Not to be another dipshit chiming in here, but if this really is about ego rather than hedonism it’s kinda misplaced , even from the perspective of pure egotism.

    If you hook up with someone because you have a good life and are a cool guy and meet a chick that thinks you’re attractive/a cool guy… that probably warrants some feeling-like-a-badass.

    But successfully pulling an emotionally crippled internet six after working your ass off for it and feeling like desperate chump the whole time… even if you “succeed” in “getting” one… that’s hardly a guy anyone’s proud of being.

    And it’s hardly something that feeds or nourishes either of you.

  8. Loo Booooo December 5, 2014 at 8:16 pm #

    If you don’t want to depend on women for happiness, get a motorcycle. You live in fucking Southern fucking California you prick, not shit New England.

    Seriously motorcycles are awesome. Better than sex. Fuck the Harley queers with the chaos. Get a shitty sport bike. Ex500, ex250, whatever. Something cheap, not too fast for you to handle as a beginner. Ex250 might be cramped if you’re over 6′, but an ex500 would do.

    You will laugh at those witless bitches. And they will crawl up your ass to lick your asshole. Because motorcycles are awesome. Because you’re the dumbass who is willing to goddamn get brain damage just because he’s awesome. Chicks love that shit. They love a dumbass who’s willing to get brain damage just because he’s got balls the size of watermelons.

    Seriously, if you’re still sober look into a bike. You cannot imagine how much fun. Fuck the whores, the hell with them. There are better things in life.

    Get a quality fullface helmet and where all the gear all the time. And watch out for the assholes in cars they’re all morons. You have no idea how sorely tempted I am to ship the bike out there and show up at your goddamn doorstep and sleep on your couch for the next year, just so I can ride all year. You fucker.

    Don’t waste your youth, start riding now.

    • Loo Booooo December 5, 2014 at 8:17 pm #

      S/chaos/chaps, fucking iPhone holy shit

    • Loo Booooo December 5, 2014 at 8:19 pm #

      Oh shit, some other asshole said motorcycle. I never read the fucking comments on these things everybody is a moron. Fuck them I’m right.

    • Anonymous December 6, 2014 at 9:03 pm #

      You’re just like every other asshole on here. Welcome, you unoriginal shit.

  9. Kevin Smith's sweaty taint after a trip to Moobies December 6, 2014 at 6:10 am #

    Just use hookers. I fuck a new 7+ every 5 days or so with this tried-and-true-method. Living with my parents rent free, so I have plenty of disposable income. Can’t really bring civilian girls over, but do I even need to?

    I’m 27, tall, and ripped, and I’m getting more and better quality ass now than when I had my own apartment downtown.

    As for validation, I get plenty of that too. Most hooker fuckers are old and fat, so I’m a breath of fresh air to these girls.

    • geddouttaheah December 9, 2014 at 2:20 pm #

      …and that, kids, is how a handsome young man actively turned himself into someone no unpaid woman would touch with a ten foot pole.

  10. Anonymous December 6, 2014 at 9:01 pm #

    Just accept that you want a family and move on with your damned life. You doesn’t care about women. You just want one who you think will be a good mother but you have Groucho Marx syndrome. You doesn’t want to belong to any woman who would belong to you. You know why you don’t write a book? Because you doesn’t have a sense of purpose. You have no mission in life and it makes you feel weird and you can’t accept that you’re not weird. You’re just a conceited twit who won’t stop looking in the mirror.

    Do something. Get some xanax. It’s not just bitches that have chemical imbalances. I’m sure with all your drug abuser friends you can find one stupid pill and try it out. All that cocaine and booze. There is no way your shit isn’t fucked up. And fuck all the assholes on here with their bullshit about manning up. You can’t man the fuck up if your body isn’t right.

  11. Anonymous December 8, 2014 at 7:45 am #

    God damn it Tacos, you’re complaining when you have more than most of us do. We’re not all chiseled fucks with 8% body fat and the ability to play the music to Jeux Interdits on a nylon string guitar to the woman we’re cooking a chicken for on the way to getting her undressed for some kinky rawdogging.

    The rest of us have to settle for sitting in irc rooms hearing about how all the women on okcupid manage to fuck people whenever they feel like it up into their fifties and all the men are sad fuck-ups apart from that 1% who somehow have cracked the formula of being confident and do what they want.

    Seriously, when you meet an eighteen year old who’s also a size queen, goes on tinder to fuck strangers in an alley and self labels as a ‘cum slut’ you’ll have this stupid fear knocked out of yourself. If there’s anything good about the internet putting you in touch with new people it’s counteracted by the amount of self revulsion it can generate. You were much better off being 20 in 1995 than you would be now. Sure you had a crazy junky fiancee who pissed herself a lot but I still think it’s an improvement on now.

    But we’re not in 1995 and and you can’t go back there unless you really pound the psychedelics so put up with your lot. You could be doing a lot worse. Hell if you really want to improve your chances move to New York, I hear the gender ratio is more in your favour there.

    • Anonymous December 8, 2014 at 5:10 pm #

      Running from problems. That solves everything.

  12. Valeria December 8, 2014 at 10:22 am #

    I love most of the comments on this post. I am always berated for calling you out . But people don’t know anything about my POV. Finally, though, there is a thread of people acknowledging the pathetic sex addicted waste of energy. Enough already. And your self-effacing current dies nothing to mitigate the unrelenting, unacceptable, abusive misogyny you perpetuate . You can not treat people, even women, like disposable trash. And they are no more expired at your age than you. It’s a choice to have value. Be valuable –to others–at any age. Jesus

    • Valeria December 8, 2014 at 10:25 am #

      Maybe consider what you have or want to GIVE—instead if what you need to do to continue to TAKE

      • faggot December 9, 2014 at 10:53 am #

        oh shut the fuck up you bitter, miserable shrew

      • Potential Riposte December 9, 2014 at 1:15 pm #

        Seriously. Just because he fucked you doesn’t mean he has to marry you, Valeria. Move on and stop thinking of men as things to be exploited.

      • Anonymous December 9, 2014 at 6:23 pm #

        That’s something happy, appreciative people do. Tacos has nothing to appreciate. He rents an apartment and fucks women who are in the stage of fucking just to fuck. That’s their fault, though. Tacos has been looking for love in this cruel, dark world. What does he have to do to prove it to these women? All he wants is for them to fall for his ass hole-ishness and then somehow with no reasonable evidence, fall in love with him so he can write a blog about how he’s the scorpion and they, the frogs, should have known better. Why is that so fucking wrong?!

  13. Anonymous December 9, 2014 at 6:29 pm #

    Also, this:

    • faggot December 9, 2014 at 11:03 pm #

      what the fuck is this stupid shit. what, is this bullshit suppose to be sexy or something?

      • Anonymous December 10, 2014 at 10:09 pm #

        Don’t fucking look then. Get the fuck over yourself and go do leg day or whatever the fuck losers like you do.

      • ew gross December 12, 2014 at 8:48 am #

        lol sorry I hit a sore spot. you’re just not sexy.

      • faggot December 12, 2014 at 8:50 am #

        the ugly bitch is dumb as rocks. and she has shitty tits.

      • faggot December 12, 2014 at 8:51 am #

        what’s also funny is the dumb cunt posted a video on a public forum and then gets mad that no one thinks she’s hot. loooooool so pathetic.

    • ew gross December 9, 2014 at 11:05 pm #

      those varicose veins on the side of her hip all up close are fucking gross.

      • Anonymous December 10, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

        Your vocabulary is gross. I hope you’re not a man. Who the fuck says gross?

      • Google does. December 11, 2014 at 8:57 am #

        gross
        ɡrōs/
        adjective
        1.
        unattractively large or bloated.
        “I feel fat, gross—even my legs feel flabby”
        synonyms: obese, corpulent, overweight, fat, big, large, fleshy, flabby, portly, bloated; More

      • Anonymous December 11, 2014 at 5:13 pm #

        So you’re not a man.

      • ew gross December 12, 2014 at 8:49 am #

        lmfao anonymous you are the saddest, most bitter and pathetic girl on this comment section. again, your body is pretty shitty.

  14. Anonymous December 14, 2014 at 9:39 am #

    How many psychologists does it take to fix one delicious taco? Reads like the setup for a shit joke none of you can deliver. I’m sure he’s taking notes on the real world you describe and how different the female population is there. Some of you must scarcely sport a clinically retarded IQ. Suggesting he “try” xanax. As if dt has been alive for thirty-some years on this planet without tasting the sweet nectar of sublingual nerve paste. Read what he fucking writes. In time you might form basic sentences and not sound like a complete shitface recommending he try something with which he is intimately acquainted.

    Vicarious envy for recreational benzo access aside, you’re missing the point. This motherfucker was in his physical prime before every pretty girl had access to countless options and endless attention afforded from technology like fuckbook, okcupid, and the smartphones used to access all that and more. Anon up there talking about 1995 had it right.

    Displacing debauchery is an improvement, but distancing yourself from drugs cold turkey and forcing deviation from lizard brain lust can’t undo a lifetime of perceptions and fucked up experiences with girls. Surely you aren’t so disillusioned to believe there aren’t actual “ladies” left to plunder, especially since you’ve on occasion written about some you’ve encountered and subsequently sabotaged your chances with on purpose, sometimes for no reason at all, much to my dismay as a loyal lurker.

    Most of us fortunate enough to have met an intelligent, classy, beautiful girl know what it’s like to be rejected or never even considered by said unicorn, but we can’t let that doom us to bragging about fucking whores on the Internet instead. Right?

    Fuck I hope that breath of fresh taint was joking.

    • faggot December 14, 2014 at 11:46 pm #

      jesus stop trying so fucking hard

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Letter to My 20 Year Old Self | Manosphere.com - December 1, 2014

    […] Letter to My 20 Year Old Self […]

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