Many suitors, but I chose “Surprise for Sleeping Sister.” A woman lays on her stomach. You mostly see her ass in multicolored panties. A man strokes his angry red penis for 90 seconds. Squeezes a halfhearted load in her ass crack. She does not wake. You can hear a Family Guy episode in the background. Mr. Spock wins the lottery and tells the rest of the Enterprise to go fuck themselves. McFarlane doesn’t try to sound like Spock. The niggardly load coughed up onto the sister’s plump ass cheeks barely registers. It will be harmlessly absorbed into fabric and unnoticed. There will be no surprise.
I jerked off to a video of a guy jerking off. I was gonna make a whole production of it but I couldn’t hold it anymore. 7 days of no jerking, no dates, no OKCupid, no flirting. Last one was easy. Women in public look at me like I’m a half dead jellyfish pulsating on the beach while a seagull picks at it. I have eyes like Private Pyle and a face like the Wicked Witch of the West. It’s a miracle I’ve ever been laid.
I had this idea that I’d nut in the black panties this girl mailed me. She’d gone jogging in them while ovulating so I could wear them as a mask. Kept asking for a dick pic. I thought I’d stroke it into the panties for her on video and blow a world record load. White jizz popping nicely on black. But I couldn’t hold it. I just blasted on the ant colony in the bathroom sink. Sorry Amy.
delicioustacos 
Jesus dude, you have a fucking gift. Please write a fucking novel. I’m wiping the spewed steamed rice with veggies and chicken off my laptop this shit is so funny.
The funniest thing is I knew the definition of niggardly before Californacation ( the year Hank taught college) and I know you did too , but how many of your regular readers are aware it is not a racial slur? This is why I love your site DT and monitor you site daily for updates, you are so fucking educated and cerebral but you just come with the raw every week and write what I think but cannot say, and do so with elegance you sly fucker you….
Are we really going to get high and mighty over the fact that you knew a word before it was in vogue? Can’t we just enjoy the post without beating off over how much smarter we are than the clickbait sheep over on jezebel?
+1
I feel like it’s not even that obscure a word? The mere fact it sounds like the n-word means there are semi-frequent controversies about it. The occasion when a DC politician had to resign after saying it comes to mind.
Someone already commented on niggardly, FUCK.