5 Apr
image stolen from

image stolen from

Young girls only fuck at night, and I go to bed early. Before sleep I review my household budget. Murmur approvingly if I’ve saved on groceries. Electric usage dropped. Light touch with the AC. No cable bill but the internet I was paying 30 dollars for became 60 somehow, because I stayed with Time Warner Cable. Phone bill stayed 100 but only by fights and fights with Verizon. Bank fees successfully disputed but I could write an orchestral score of Bank of America hold music from memory.

My H & M slim cut wrinkle free dress shirts hang on the shower curtain rod instead of going in the dryer. I’ll get a year out of them this way. Then they’ll get a stiff yellow crust on the armpits. Some chemical my body makes to ruin shirts. Soon enough a year will pass. Buy more shirts. Old ones go in my car to wipe the dipstick. Soon I’ll have paid off debt. Saved money. A travel fund. A fund for my children’s education. But no vacation, no children. I’ll just watch the number grow and it will please me. I could take care to withdraw cash in front of a girl. Not palm the receipt with the balance. Leave it visible. But there will be no girl. I sleep at 9. Young girls only exist at night.

I’ll marry an old woman. As the drought worsens she’ll grow a hummingbird’s beak from her mouth. Suck the juice from my glands while I sleep. My bones will leak out and become stains on my shirts. I’ll be a pile of queasy shapeless meat and the squirrels will chew out my eyes. Who will take my compound interest.

My parents are coming. They live here now. I have a good relationship with them. This means my sex life is over. The life of money and bills and responsibility has begun. Prompt medical checkups and colonoscopies and the dentist. Classes and homework and extracurriculars and then update mom and dad over dinner. In the queue to die.

I threw out a box of old papers in honor of their arrival. Each week I clean one thing. My apartment becomes livable. Girls would complain about the dust, the toilet. But they stayed.

I stopped drinking. Made a list of my character defects. Prayed for their removal. A list of those I harmed. Prayed for the willingness to make amends. The prayers will be answered. What will be left.

14 Responses to “Adulthood”

  1. intro April 5, 2015 at 10:55 am #

    This hits close to home. I too live a life of financial responsibility and get so tired that a lot of the days I fall asleep at 9. It’s weird how you can be such a serious person and have such a difficult, responsible life, but once you’re out around young skanks you have to completely switch your demeanor and dig up the depths of the fun, outgoing part of your personality. For people like us it will never get easier. Here’s to hoping that by sheer tenacity we will get to the point where we have complete financial freedom and an abundance of 9s in our lives, and that we’re not too old to enjoy them.

  2. Atlanta Man April 5, 2015 at 11:11 am #

    I have to move into a dorm right before my 40th birthday to do my clinicals in Atlanta. I have not lived on a school campus since I was 30 before I took the bar. I will literally be living next door to people 21-25 years old in graduate housing. I am not excited. One of my law school buddies who graduated a year after me has ads on television and just bought a new Jaguar with cash, He also lives in a condo in a highrise down the street from his law firm. He orders bottle service and is well respected in the legal community,he has six figures in retirement funds plus a mutual fund and he is five years younger than me. I drive a 1995 Corolla. I want avoid people on LinkedIn I went to law school with because I am deeply unhappy with how my career turned out. At least you have all your hair DT.

    • ben April 7, 2015 at 10:04 am #

      Atlanta Man — why not make the best of your situation. at least you’re not homeless and totally broke or saddled with some debilitating illness/physical cripple.

      it sounds like you’re only focusing on the negatives and blowing them out of proportion. younger girls love older guys. living next to 21-25 year olds sounds like an awesome opportunity to get young pussy.

      from one dt reader to another, it’s worth re-reading the “unemployment diary: money” post to realize that all the crap we’re programmed to think is wrong. you don’t need money or success to bang. sure they help but they don’t seal the deal. you think you need these things because we’re awash in advertising and media BS that makes us believe you have to have them.

      go find a white girl who has a fetish for black guys and you’re set for the near-term. life’s a journey, not a race. fuck those other people you used to know on linkedin. reading your comment made me go through with deleting my linkedin, because i was feeling the same misery and envy from looking at other people who didn’t take risks, stayed the course and are more financially stable than i am right now. gotta get away from that shit and just focus on your own path/life/goals/day to day.

      • Atlanta Man April 10, 2015 at 6:02 pm #

        Thanks Ben, I do try to stay positive. I will be living in graduate student housing but I have no time to get any ass, I really gotta bust my ass because soon lives will be on the line and I want to get oncology in residency. I am doing this shit to make money so I will not struggle when I am sixty. DT has it good cause at least he is creative, he is so creative chicks see his site , know the deal and still fuck him. He will fuck around, write a book or three and be off to the races publishing his stuff like Rollo topping the Amazon sales list. He gives us his shit for free and we all wait for updates like junkies, imagine his writing if people pay for it. He still has all his hair and he can write, what an asshole! Now write another post DT , you asshole!

        Seriously, please write another post DT.

  3. IMGrody April 5, 2015 at 1:02 pm #

    The monotony is soul rending.

  4. Anthony April 5, 2015 at 2:56 pm #

    Are any existentially aware men happy? How can we be? Sometimes I look at homeless men and envy them. Life hasn’t turned out the way I planned either.

  5. Seven Dials April 5, 2015 at 3:03 pm #

    Early to bed, early to rise may make a man healthy, wealthy and wise but it sure fracks up his sex life, and any kind of freaking spontaneity. Add in a commute and my day is over at 17:30 when I leave the gym and have to take the train home. But if I don’t get to bed at 21:30 or so, I don’t get my beauty sleep and I’m tired and pissy the next day and want to skip the gym after work. Takes me an hour or so to unwind and calm down for sleep. Thank Gods I’m 104 and don’t want any social life and especially never want to get laid again. Or I might get pissed off with it. And my phone bills might be $100 / month. But you guys get screwed by the carriers over there.

    What the hey do you have to go to bed at 21:00 anyway? My excuse is I have to be up at 05:30 to get to work before my usual “hot desk” is taken by some visitor from who-cares-where. Is it a catch-up on health thing?

  6. Anonymous April 5, 2015 at 10:37 pm #

  7. Kb April 6, 2015 at 9:59 am #

    That yellow shirt-ruining armpit shit…anti-perspirant deodorant. Add it to your list of banned substances.

  8. ben April 6, 2015 at 11:06 am #

    dude, didn’t you learn from roosh to put baking soda or whatever under your armpits? he swears by it. look it up.

  9. Anonymous April 6, 2015 at 11:32 am #

    Indeed it is the aluminum in the deodorant that, combined with sweat,makes the stains and indeed baking soda is the far lower cost solution to stains and stink. $1 for a year’s supply and effective 24+ hours.

  10. anon April 6, 2015 at 11:40 pm #

    obligatory fan question(s): how’s the novel coming. this was hilarious but why aren’t you posting more often. how do you segue from talking about waterfowl to rawdogging a girl back at your place.


  1. Adulthood | - April 5, 2015

    […] Adulthood […]

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