Ideal Behavior

11 Apr
image stolen from

image stolen from

As a personal growth exercise, please answer the following question:

How would you describe your ideal behavior with regard to dating and sex?

I want to be a human hose. Permanently coupled to a never ending mountain of ovulating 13 year old Asian schoolgirls. Perpetually blasting hot yogurty goo into impossibly tight wet adolescent cunts. On the other end, my face, a team of servants stuffs nutrients necessary to continue pumping forth oceans of crawly ejaculate. Healthy foods such as blueberries and yams. Brussels sprouts. Doesn’t have to be organic shit. I’m not fancy.

I want to be an HR Giger flesh abomination rocketing my jizz like alien spores over a canyon of dewy musky unwashed half bald teen pussies forever. Preferably they are Korean. I want to be some kind of pulsating queen ant, or something like the Guild Navigator from the Lynch Dune. Some Lovecraft thing made up only of balls and cocks with thirteen tentacles on the end each of which reach up into virginal pubescent cervix and squirt gouts of bleach smelling nut that dribbles out into their white cotton panties, which I then wear as a mask. Or I want to be exactly as I am but with some super pheromone that forces high school field hockey players to breed with me bent over dumpsters after practice. I want to be reborn as an amoeba inside the sweaty twat of the magnet school sophomore I sit across from on the red line to North Hollywood. Her tennis shorts. Mexican girl,small teeth big gums but she’s diligent about her homework. Something about that makes me need to put another hideous thing like me into her belly and ruin her dreams and flee the country.

Every man is like this. Your father is like this. Your teacher and your clergyman. We are not socially conditioned to be this way. We’re born this way like a dandelion’s born for sunshine. Social conditioning is what stops me from becoming emperor of the world, enslaving every scientist, forcing them to engineer me into a bristly pink urchin of dicks rolling over a stadium piled with spreadeagled nubile teens. Again, preferably they are Asian. Preferably they have braces.

I should have been a jellyfish. Nut on a rock; maybe there are some eggs and you’re done. It’s a curse to be a higher primate. You need looks, clothes, money, hobbies. Getting laid is like applying for college. Passing a credit check. All I want is to impregnate thousands of young Japanese teens with zero consequences of any kind and die from chemical depletion. Starved raisin nuts meekly croaking out dust as I laugh and my soul screams into the sky fulfilled. That or get hit in the crotch with a log. Then I can stop thinking about it.


25 Responses to “Ideal Behavior”

  1. Anonymous April 11, 2015 at 9:02 am #

    Crotch trauma is not necessarily an escape. See, for example, that classic from the February 1999 issue of the Canadian Journal of Neurological Science, “Phantom erection after amputation of penis.”

  2. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn April 11, 2015 at 10:24 am #

    The first paragraph sounds like a good idea for a Garbage Pail Kid.

    • A pornographic Garbage Pail Kid.

      Or it could be like this:

      Only your tongue would be snaking in and out of a bunch of cabbage patch faced Asian girl’s cunts.

      The Garbage Pail Kids’ artists were brilliant. Those things should be hanging in The Louvre.

  3. josh April 11, 2015 at 10:37 am #

    I wanna suck asian schoolgirl twat as their mom’s fight to jam my iron rod into their mouths

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn April 15, 2015 at 7:10 pm #

  4. Dave April 11, 2015 at 4:48 pm #

    Be a tiny male anglerfish swimming in the deep, dark abyss, big eyes searching for the faint pulsing light of a female’s hunting lure. When you’re sure she’s your species, sink your teeth into her soft, tender flank. Pretty soon, your mouth fuses to her body, your eyes, heart, and brain dissolve, and you become a little pair of testicles spewing sperm every time she lays eggs.

    Or be a male antechinus (looks like a mouse) ravishing every female you see in a furious two-week orgy that ends with every last male dead of sheer exhaustion.

    You might enjoy “Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation”. Among dozens of fascinating true stories, it tells of a clutch of mite eggs hatching all females except for one runty little male whose only job is to shag all his sisters and then die. He might not eat once during his brief existence; he might not even have a mouth.

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn April 15, 2015 at 7:13 pm #

  5. Johnny Caustic April 11, 2015 at 11:38 pm #

    Wow, I am humbled. What an awesome final paragraph.

    (Not the “Anyway.” Delete that. It’s anticlimactic, especially considering the divinely inspired goodness that came right before it.)

    “Starved raisin nuts meekly croaking out dust as I laugh and my soul screams into the sky fulfilled” is one of your best sentences ever. Not just because it’s poetic. Because it’s true.

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn April 15, 2015 at 7:22 pm #

  6. Johnny Caustic April 12, 2015 at 10:38 pm #

    Hey, by coincidence Bruce Charlton wrote a blog post two weeks ago that’s very closely related to this one:

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn April 15, 2015 at 7:24 pm #

  7. creep April 13, 2015 at 12:57 am #

    Why don’t you just go full blown Jake and move around Asia? Just stay long enough desensitize that stupid Western fear of becoming that creepy guy who can’t handle a relationship so he rents little girls, the occasional boy. Children don’t know enough to be able to expect anything of a guy. You have all of these contacts who know how to do it. And you’re sober now so it’ll be that much more enjoyable. And you don’t have to worry about them developing some sort of mental illness from the harm you’ve done them, because they won’t have time to be crazy when they’re taking care of their half-white babies.

    Could you imagine the money they’d make off of the children they would have because of your generous donation? They’d have a better chance of being light skinned so they could be priced higher, and by the time all this manosphere goes machosphere, no perv will be satisfied with taking advantage of children. They’ll want the light skinned ones. The kids who look like Asian versions of their own children. That’s a whole new market. Take those dreams to the streets. Give your readers what they want!

  8. UncleHebe April 13, 2015 at 7:02 pm #

    I saw an Asian girl in a Cathlolic school uniform this morning. Around 15. Sturdy, tanned legs. Dat youthful skin glow. I wanted to cry.

  9. internetguy April 13, 2015 at 8:22 pm #

    “Every man is like this.”

    Enjoy your writing but… NOPE.

    Then again I have my own issues. Non-penis-urchin-pedophile related but frustrating nonetheless. For example I’m leaving anonymous blog comments.

    • Anonymous April 14, 2015 at 10:14 am #

      Hi! I’m Sylvia! Can I get dem digits tho?

  10. Unsoundly (@MildlyUnsound) April 14, 2015 at 9:10 am #

    Once again, it’s like poetry weaved from the fibers of raw, unapologetic, clarity.

  11. sol April 15, 2015 at 12:35 pm #

    You succeed in making the whole sex thing sound absolutely and truly disgusting Good job, mate.

  12. jeff April 15, 2015 at 4:23 pm #

    That’s it. I’m cutting and pasting this into my Match profile.

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn April 15, 2015 at 7:17 pm #

  13. BB753 April 16, 2015 at 11:00 am #

    What’s with the yellow fever, DT?

  14. whatever April 18, 2015 at 9:33 am #

    Your blog ist by far still one of the best ones, and this guy pfffttttssssss one of the best commentators ever.


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