Diary: The Muse, That Flakey Cunt

27 Sep

Once you make a rule– in this case, “Sunday morning is writing time–” once you make a rule, the opposite will happen. I took time to do other things. Sixteen minutes to whiten my teeth. Put on a Biore nose strip. Trim my body hair. Sixteen minutes. Enough to derail all meaningful thought for sixteen hours. I’ll never write again. All the other shit I’ve made this week: fucking garbage. Therefore I’ll never be famous. Never make the girls melt like the comedian who shared at AA last night. Now I have to google him like every woman in the room did. God dammit why wasn’t I a comedian. No one googles me but me. Although I do it enough to affect SEO.

Well they can’t do what I do, I think. Sit down at the keys to prove it. Watch the wizardly words flow out of my fingers. Crisply honed sentences. Metaphors that connect souls to truths they’ve thought their whole lives in unguarded corners of the mind but were just inchoate murmurs, until now… WATCH ME. WATCH ME, MOTHERFUCKERS–

Nothing.

Accept defeat. I’ll never write anything good again. What’s left of me. Half decent guitar player; about 60% funny. Enough to get a sideways glance from a fat elderly woman covered in roast beef purple cysts, maybe.

(Check out my book Hot Naked Tits.)

34 Responses to “Diary: The Muse, That Flakey Cunt”

  1. Atlanta Man September 27, 2015 at 12:43 pm #

    You are doing good, you just have 40itis where you start comparing yourself to everyone else without acknowledging their faults. Once you turn 40 this happens a lot. I have no Facebook or Instagram for just this reason- Those websites are the highlight reel of peoples lives and my life sucks and I kept comparing it to their highlights. Shit made me drink and wallow in self hatred.

    If it makes you feel better I am jealous of your ability to write so well, your superior educational credentials, and the amount of strangers from the internet you have sex with. I need a fucking drink…..

    • ben September 28, 2015 at 3:54 pm #

      heh, I feel the same way. best to just focus on your own shit. there’s way too much bitching on the internet right now. either that, or flaunting of one’s awesome life. neither of that stuff serves you personally in a beneficial way.

      I only check DT’s site nowadays. everything else is way too political or fake.

      but too bad he’s struggling with inspiration.

      • Anal Trauma September 28, 2015 at 4:21 pm #

        If he doesn’t move out of LA he will most likely continue to have the inspiration problem. The well has probably run dry. Time to reinvent.

    • Anonymous October 2, 2015 at 4:32 pm #

      what educational credentials?

      • Atlanta Man October 4, 2015 at 1:04 pm #

        DT went to a very good competitive college. There is a podcast that mentions it as well as his classic “screenwriter in Hollywood” post which is probably the most amazing fucking post he has ever written and the post I have reread like 20 fucking times. But yeah, DT went to a good fucking college with celebrity writers kids. Ask him, he will tell you.

  2. Anal Trauma September 27, 2015 at 9:45 pm #

    “Trim my body hair”. What the fuck? Can you come up with anything more gay? What’s next? Perming your hair?
    Sit down and write and exercise some discipline instead of doing totally faggy shit to yourself and whining all the time.
    Loser.

    • pete September 28, 2015 at 5:17 pm #

      using teeth whitening and a Biore nose strip sound a lot gayer than trimming body hair, which is arguably essential to keep one’s pubes at a reasonable, tidy length

      • Anal Trauma September 28, 2015 at 6:09 pm #

        It’s all very gay. I just hope he doesn’t anal bleach.

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 29, 2015 at 5:25 pm #

      There IS some damning evidence of DT’s homosexuality on the internet. It appears he once starred in a gay pornographic film called Pack Attack 7 under the stage name Troy Daniels:

      • delicioustacos September 29, 2015 at 6:21 pm #

        I would never appear in a porn with condoms.

      • Anal Trauma September 29, 2015 at 7:02 pm #

        He looks like a nosemonkey.

      • Father O'Hara September 29, 2015 at 7:17 pm #

        I can’t stop looking at this picture;it’s like looking at my own death…

      • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 30, 2015 at 6:26 pm #

        @Anal Trauma – He looks like Jimmy Durante’s gay grandson. Jimmy Durante once said, “All of us have schnozzles… if not in our faces, then in our character, minds or habits. When we admit our schnozzles, instead of defending them, we begin to laugh, and the world laughs with us.” If nothing else, I think DT has figured that out.

  3. Father O'Hara September 27, 2015 at 11:10 pm #

    Time to head out to the Philippines and lick some underage juicy brown monkey pussy

    • K-hole September 27, 2015 at 11:34 pm #

      A lot of Filipino girls do have that chimpanzee face. That jaw that sticks out, eager for a banana.

      • Father O'Hara September 28, 2015 at 1:19 pm #

        Er,no,I was suggesting real monkeys..

      • K-hole September 28, 2015 at 9:22 pm #

        Gross, dude. That’s how AIDS happens

  4. Lee Holloway September 28, 2015 at 11:33 am #

    Reagan invented AIDS?

    • Father O'Hara September 28, 2015 at 12:55 pm #

      I want to add a laugh track to Shoah…

      • Lee Holloway September 28, 2015 at 1:59 pm #

        Father, I must confess, your comments make me very uncomfortable.

  5. million dollar rabies September 28, 2015 at 7:10 pm #

    No matter what DT writes, someone will call him a fag. And that is the running joke of these comment sections.

    • Father O'Hara September 28, 2015 at 7:20 pm #

      A white Rutgers professor is charged with rape of a black man.The alleged rape occured in her office. The man could not give consent because he cannot talk or feed himself.It began when the woman professor pulled down the black.man’s diaper and…wait,WHAT?

    • Lee Holloway September 28, 2015 at 7:40 pm #

      Ohhh I thought the running joke of these comment sections was that they were all written by latent homosexuals who are also severely dependent on alcohol. Thanks for clearing that up.

      • Anal Trauma September 28, 2015 at 8:26 pm #

        I’m not severely dependent on alcohol, thank you!

      • Atlanta Man September 29, 2015 at 7:48 pm #

        Who you calling latent homosexual? I have been anally mainlining cock since the late 1980’s you silly bitch,and I cannot be dependent on alcohol when I spend all my money on heroin, Xanax, and poppers- Jesus Christ Delicious Tacos, use the Ban Hammer on this broad,she is not fabulous enough for these comments!

      • Lee Holloway September 29, 2015 at 7:58 pm #

        Man, all you faggot DT commenters are ADORABLE. 😍

  6. Cody October 1, 2015 at 5:18 am #

    I’m amazed your able to fuck college girls at your age. I’m only in my late 20’s and already girls are telling me I’m too old, despite having a shredded body that’s taken years to attain. I can easily land dates with “age appropriate” women, but who wants that?

    It’s like when a guy finally gets his shit together, he’s lost the one thing needed to slay young pussy in the first place – youth.

    • Arred October 1, 2015 at 6:22 am #

      This guy doesn’t get it.

    • Cody October 1, 2015 at 7:16 am #

      *you’re :/

    • Atlanta Man October 1, 2015 at 11:42 am #

      Dude I just turned 40 and the same shit happened to me for the first time in my life a few weeks ago at club MJQ. This cute , tall German chick was giving me the eye so I pushed up on her. The conversation was good and there was lots of playful touching and a little kissing. She kept asking how old I was and I hit her with my go to line”old enough to be your friend” she kept prodding and I told her to guess. She guessed 30 and I told her she was good at this game, and I went in for the deep tongue kiss- She stopped me said she was 20, I was too old and I need to find a girl my own age. I did not know if I should be flattered she thought I was 30, or pissed she thought 10 years was too old! life is full of conundrums !

  7. I found your theme song October 4, 2015 at 12:36 pm #

    • Father O'Hara October 5, 2015 at 4:15 pm #

      Where da fuq is DT???

      • Atlanta Man October 5, 2015 at 8:33 pm #

        sometimes he has big gaps in his posts because if he feels it is not the truth he will not post it. I know it is just a blog, but it is so good because he actually cares about quality. My question is where the fuck is The Last Psychatrist, I miss that dude like Tupac.

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