Fuck Los Angeles

20 Sep

pony montana

A four bedroom house in Hot Springs Montana is 99 thousand fucking dollars. Estimated mortgage: $382 a month. You get a separate detached cottage. The cottage alone, in this shithole fucking city I live in – this disgusting extension of Mexico but with additional loud helicopters and barking dogs and garbage taxes and women who’d rather be set on fire than smile at you– a cottage next to a stucco nest of murderous bike stealing cholos who grill cactuses and light off fireworks and gun Harleys 24 hours a day, as many of them in there as termites in one of those twelve foot mounds in Kenya– this shed costs seven hundred fifty fucking thousand dollars, plus property taxes to pay for schools with the literacy rate of the fucking Hills Have Eyes family; the mortgage after a hundred fifty fucking thousand dollars down is the entire pre-tax income of the median American household.

Have to get the fuck out of here. Battling for scraps of useless pussy with famous men. Men who direct Radiohead videos. Men who have three secret families holed away somewhere and once killed a man.* Men with nineteen inch smooth veinless cocks and tiny button noses and the cocks vibrate and another smaller cock deploys out from the nuts like the alien’s mouth and pleasantly tickles her asshole. Men with net worths like the amount of platinum they estimate is in asteroids. Car collections and horse collections and commensurate pussy collections. The smell of so much hot twat on them it draws bears.

If I have a Tinder match I know it’s fake. OKCupid: 0 visitors, 0 likes, 0 messages. Unless it’s a message from a fucking man. Give me advice on women, they ask. Here it is: get famous or die trying. Get famous a way women understand: music money or murder. James Holmes does better than you. Hot young girls will move mountains to get at him in prison. I’m human garbage; I pay taxes and work.

Summer in Montana. Winter in the Philippines. Both places I’ll be a god to bucolic primitives. The only man who can read. Every bison steak slinging blue eyed teen waitress trembling for my unholy cunning as I demonstrate an Earth-shattering technological innovation: the stick. Virgin cunts drool in awe at my vast cash hoard: $1700. I’ve grappled with civilization. I lost. Now to the trees. If it doesn’t work out I’ll fuck an elk.

* I partially stole this from @ALLCAPSBRO; RIP

(Check out my book Hot Naked Tits.)

45 Responses to “Fuck Los Angeles”

  1. Asf September 20, 2015 at 11:19 am #

    Sheer poetry. Also there are more birds in Montana. Don’t forget that.

    • Father O'Hara September 26, 2015 at 1:09 pm #

      I want to be forced to wear nude pantyhose

  2. Anony-fucking-mous September 20, 2015 at 12:27 pm #

    Thats why so many fucking California pricks are coming here to Texas and bringing all of their nonsense ideas about how a city should be run to us. Bitch, if your cities were so well run then why did you leave?

    • Bango Tango September 20, 2015 at 2:03 pm #

      Don’t try to find reason with a white liberals thinking. It is a complete and total mental disorder brought about by decades of public school and television indoctrination. As the the KGB guy says “they are contaminated”.

    • Father O'Hara September 21, 2015 at 1:59 pm #

      California faggots I with the crusty remains of Jerry Brown’s amren at the corner of their mouths

      • Father O'Hara September 21, 2015 at 2:00 pm #

        That’s SEMEN at the corner

      • Kevin O'Keeffe September 27, 2015 at 4:38 pm #

        LOL, its OK. We like Jared Taylor, too.

  3. ray September 20, 2015 at 12:36 pm #

    Once you’re famous, you won’t want to be anymore. If you have any self-worth, that is. You’ll want to hide instead. Especially now in America, where celebrity is meaningless. One word: kardashian.

    ‘When morning comes and it’s time to go/Pony Boy carry me home/Pony Boy carry me home’

  4. dericious tako September 20, 2015 at 2:20 pm #

    then pull the trigger already.

    no one’s making you stay in LA and remain miserable.

    you’ve been to the promised land. montana. phillippines. places were people still make eye contact and talk in person rather than stare at smartphones.

    you could write in a log cabin. put together that book or whatever.

    work part time chopping wood. corralling horses.

    $1700 is enough to fuel the escape.

    bukowski was a bum. lived on the streets. he didn’t end up dying.

    don’t be such a pussy. you fag. with your pink little site.

    p.s. RIP ALLCAPSBRO….”gotta make money so that at the very least a girl will like me for my money” or something along those lines.

  5. ben September 20, 2015 at 3:02 pm #

    Let’s be honest. you’re a fame-whore. I am too. most of us are.

    we all think we’re gonna be rich and famous and bang an infinite procession of supermodels. that’s the hope.

    and it’s a false hope when you factor in probability and your own self-assessment of how motivated you are to make that happen..

    so either you fess up to that false fantasy, or you go pursue it with every ounce of your energy.

    otherwise, continue living in limbo.

  6. Atlanta Man September 20, 2015 at 4:55 pm #

    Move to Atlanta, we can fuck all the 16 year old girls!!! I need a white boy wingman!

    • Bango Tango September 20, 2015 at 6:10 pm #

      AND he can always play the cuck boy in your porn video. Nice! 😉

    • Father O'Hara September 21, 2015 at 4:00 pm #

      Satan is your wingman bitch.

      • Atlanta Man September 21, 2015 at 8:50 pm #

        Satan is no fun I don’t hang with him, his brother Natas is cool as fuck though!

      • Whores September 24, 2015 at 7:14 am #

        The best Natas boards had the kitten instead of the panther.

  7. Bill September 20, 2015 at 6:13 pm #

    And on the 7th day God created Southeast Asia. Better to live in some hovel with an 18 year old Cambodian squatting on your dink than in America competing for scraps.

    • Bango Tango September 20, 2015 at 7:39 pm #

      The weather sucks. If god created Southeast Asia why the fuck did he make it hot as hell?

  8. Anal Trauma September 20, 2015 at 9:55 pm #

    Man, move to Montana and become a country music artist. Call yourself Cunt Urban or Willie Selfsuck.

    You’ll never move out there. Even the backwards ‘tards will recognise you for what you are – a total loser. Wild animals won’t even kill you because it lowers their standards.

    • dericious tako September 21, 2015 at 9:35 am #


    • Anonymous September 25, 2015 at 10:29 am #

      Finally a half decent new delicioustacos commenter. Don’t let it go to your head though, you’re not that good faggot

  9. K-hole in the Sweltering Valley September 20, 2015 at 10:42 pm #

    I think Oregon or Washington would suit you. Find some hipster girl in Portland who thinks you’re a creative genius. Go hiking in the woods and bang her against a tree. Talk about birds.

    On the other hand: LA is inspiring because the misery of living there. It’s a place to be lonely while surrounded by people. If Adam Carolla lived in Montana, would he have been able to make a career on complaining?

    • Small September 21, 2015 at 12:45 pm #

      That’s what I keep telling him. Of course, the Californians are driving real estate prices through the roof here too so it might be too late for that now.

  10. dericious tako September 21, 2015 at 9:28 am #

    hooray i got mentioned on your twitter.

    p.s. your “tippy the thirsty squirrel” piece about Montana from 2012 made me cry like a Polish Jew upon his first viewing of The Pianist.

    • Father O'Hara September 21, 2015 at 6:25 pm #

      This blog makes me laugh like I did when I saw Shoah.

  11. ben September 21, 2015 at 1:52 pm #

    Living in a huge sprawling metropolitan city like LA or NY—you expose yourself to the worst kinds of people.

    Girls/women have an intuitive sense that the world is overpopulated. In a crowded city they are reminded of that overpopulation on a daily basis. They then understand that the world no longer needs more people.

    Therefore, most of them just want to fuck for pleasure; and of those who do want to have kids, they want to have kids with men who are rich or famous or both, or at least funny with a promising career and house on the way. Being “interesting” or “funny” is not enough, you need to “have your shit together”. They say they want a “provider” and yet at the same time mock men who take care of them. They also mock men who are broke and who cannot provide for them.

    Either way, someone who works a job and pays taxes is seen as “regular” or “average”. And since women have a sense that the overpopulated world doesn’t need any more people, she will not feel a desire to mate with someone who is “average”. She wants to be “special”. She wants to mate with someone who is “special”, who has a social identity recognized for his fame/status/wealth.

    Don’t mistake these comments as me venting some sort of “hatred” or “misogyny” towards women. I don’t hate women. I was raised by women (mom, sister, aunt, grandma).

    What I hate is the way humans have become greedy, celebrity-obsessed, and extremely fake. What I hate is the fact that women have become even greedier and more status-obsessed than men. What I hate is that women have adopted this parasitic mindset, treating relationships in a profit-driven way: what can you do for me, how can your strengths help me advance in the world.

    It’s all sickening and cause for real existential, antisocial nausea. Most women and men alike have lost touch with what it means to just live and enjoy life in a small-scale community where we enjoy nature and tell stories around a roaring fire.

    Anyway. Thanks for this piece. It helped me put down the words to communicate the connection between overpopulation and how women don’t want “Average” guys the way they would’ve in the post-WWII Baby Boom era. You and I are now competing with dudes who “founded a startup” or who self-identifies as a “DJ”.

    • Father O'Hara September 21, 2015 at 4:06 pm #

      Amazing the way you young fellas agonize about women and sex.For me those days are over.I don’t feel those drives,those pressing needs anymore.That passion,that need. I am content.I don’t need a woman in my life.I have my hobbies,my books…OH GOD I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE PLEASE KILL ME NOW I WANNA DIE !!!!!!!!!

  12. Lee Holloway September 21, 2015 at 2:00 pm #

    Can you wait to move until after i come to LA to fuck you though? Really don’t want to have to fly all the way to Montana and Philippines will be nearly impossible. 😉

    • Anal Trauma September 22, 2015 at 5:39 am #

      You’ve got female erotica covered. You should write erotica for a living. Would kill anything out there.

      If indeed you do have a husband you should be fucking ashamed of yourself and deserve to be punished in the worst way. Slut. Fucking piece of trash.

      • Lee Holloway September 22, 2015 at 9:23 am #

        And you are highly skilled at internet commentary, both scathing and complimentary.

        If you had a blog, I’d probably wanna fuck you. 😘

  13. Anonymous September 22, 2015 at 11:00 am #

    what is a stucco nest!!

  14. C September 23, 2015 at 10:07 am #

    I put a bid in on a 4BR in New Orleans for $28k yesterday. Rental property. An extr $1,500 a month, indefinitely. I don’t know why the fuck you guys live out there.

    • Anony-fucking-mous September 23, 2015 at 8:49 pm #

      Don’t forget about property taxes, insurance, HOA fees, mortgage payments (if you do get a loan), Louisiana has a state income tax as well on top of federal income taxes on rental income, management fees, and any repairs the house may incur.

      It very well may be profitable, I’m just saying make sure you’ve accounted for all of the costs as well before you start thinking about $1,500 in your pocket a month. Government and bureaucracy means that any sure thing will be that much less profitable because the inept gov. of LA, and the US have to take out their cuts and force you to pay insurance, and legally back up a HOA so if you don’t pay the fees they have the right to take over your property.

      Their all cunts and don’t deserve a cent, but they have people with guns who will enforce their will so you have to go along with their theft for “the public good.”

  15. Anal Trauma September 23, 2015 at 3:43 pm #

    Rhetorical question, as I will receive no answer, obviously. Why don’t you move to Montana or somesuch? Fear?

    Once you reach a certain age cities are only for losers…..Peter Pan types.

    • Atlanta Man September 23, 2015 at 4:22 pm #

      Anal Trauma are you a woman? I have never heard a man use the term “Peter Pan” when describing another man. It is ok if you are a chick, I still think you are funny and I like your comments.

      • Anal Trauma September 23, 2015 at 8:21 pm #

        I’m a guy. it’s a good way to describe both men and women who do not want to grow up. I probably got it from chicks in the first place, so I can see how you might think I’m a woman, although women are not funny.

        Now I must say adieu you negro pedophile, motherfucking cocksucking, clitslurping disgrace of a turd.

      • dickmysuck September 24, 2015 at 7:06 am #

        “clitslurping” was a nice touch

      • al kohaulic September 24, 2015 at 12:30 pm #

        i use “peter pan” to describe men and women, and i’m a double-transgendered (female to male back to female) hermophodite with love for taking dog cock

  16. ben September 25, 2015 at 1:27 pm #

    We live on the only planet in the universe known to sustain life and yet we spend most of our time thinking about pussy and chasing money/status/fame to attract pussy.

    We have minds capable of learning and comprehending abstract mathematics and theoretical physics yet we instead waste time debating topics such as feminism, racism, politics etc.

    You and I could be outside consciously enjoying life under the sun as the last few days of summer slip away. But instead we’re indoors, staring at a glaring artificial screen reading about some guy who can’t or can get laid or why he feels a certain way about the ever-elusive, probably mythical “love of a good woman”.

    • Kevin O'Keeffe September 27, 2015 at 4:36 pm #

      “…the ever-elusive, probably mythical ‘love of a good woman.'”

      Its not mythical. Which makes the widespread inability to find it, all the more exasperating.

  17. Kevin O'Keeffe September 27, 2015 at 4:34 pm #

    Northern California sucks so bad, I had to flee to South Dakota. Despite being marginally less expensive, I’m sure Southern California is significantly worse than Silicon Valley. You have my sympathies, funny man.

  18. whenistheprintversioncoming October 4, 2015 at 11:52 am #

    My travels took me to LA. Powered up the Tinder.

    I have never swiped left so many times before in my life.

    Jesus christ LA get your shit together.

  19. Liam O'Neill October 4, 2015 at 1:50 pm #

    Clearly you’ve got game. Take a trip to Central or South America. Mexico again. Pick up them brown-skinned lovelies.
    That’s what I’m doing anyway when I’ve gathered the money. Read about here when it happens, if you care: travelikeitis.com

  20. BB753 October 27, 2015 at 1:59 pm #

    I told you ages ago to leave LA. It’s killing you.


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