I’m Going to Kill My Landlady

30 Oct
james-holmes-3

(cursed) image stolen from murderpedia.org

I’m going to kill my landlady for raising my rent. I’ll do it with my bare hands. The good thing about women is they can’t fight back. They’ll throw a knee to your nuts, always. They think it’s the magic word. But your whole life has been dodging nut punches. You just swivel your hips like breathing. She gets a knee full of thigh muscle and now she’s on one foot falling backwards. You fall on her, knock the wind out of her, get her neck with your left hand. Pull up a fist with your right. You’ve won the argument.

I’ll do to this to my landlady. She raised the security deposit too, the cunt. That’s the difference between just muttering about it and throwing ten rights into her temple while the back of her head bounces off the pavement and she sees stars. The insult. How the fuck much do you need you greedy whore. Raise the deposit I know I’ll never get back. Who’s ever had a deposit returned. Now when I move I just don’t cut the last check. Fuck you, sue me.

The problem with me is I can’t sustain. Enough gas in the tank to grab an old woman by the throat. But I instantly know what I’m doing. Hurting a weak living being. She’s just trying to cover property taxes. Gotta be all or nothing. You can’t live 65% angry. You have to be the Buddha or you have to take flamethrowers to schools. You have to be James Holmes– you have to carry that rage through planning. Purchasing weapons. Multiple shopping trips to buy not just firearms but fucking fanny packs. I went to the gun shop and the fucking line was too long. You took a number like the deli. Mine was 62. Three people being served by clerks, fondling absurd matte black HK tactical weapons chambered in 22– why? What are you going to do with that? I know shit about guns but you’re not the fucking Mossad. You’re a fat guy from Tujunga. They’re serving three of them at a time. Meanwhile a TV screen next to your head blathers about some new piece of plastic tactical garbage for squirrels. One guy finally gets finished. Walks off to start the race war. They call number 29.

I just want a detective special to scare kids who come for my bike. Plus it was for research. A character needed it. Now he’ll just hang himself.

I told myself I’d wait a year to kill my neighbors’ dog. Because I didn’t want to. I knew I’d have given up by then. They let the thing out and it killed my cat. Their pit bull. This killing machine, the only kind of dog there is now. Shelters in LA, just pit bulls and chihuahuas for reasons having to do with all racism being accurate. Before that two months coming up with reasons to do it. It could get out again. Hurt someone else’s cat. Someone’s kid. Now I hope it does. My other neighbor’s cat went missing and who knows. Could have called the city. Reported it as a vicious animal. But the dog has to kill two other pets before they’ll take it down. Plus no one likes a snitch. Everyone likes a guy who chops up his neighbor’s pets with the axe from his 2004 Patrick Bateman Halloween costume.

17 Responses to “I’m Going to Kill My Landlady”

  1. Nikolai Vladivostok October 30, 2016 at 1:22 pm #

    Did you know that chocolate is poisonous to dogs? Especially dark and cooking chocolate. Would take quite a lot for a big dog. Not a nice way to go.
    So if you ever have a dog, keep it away from chocolate.

  2. Atlanta Man October 30, 2016 at 3:09 pm #

    I was wondering why you had an axe…..

    • Anonymous November 4, 2016 at 7:49 am #

      It’s so he can hold it aloft and say I must axe you a question

  3. TIMOTHY Leviton October 30, 2016 at 3:40 pm #

    You can just give car coolant to the dogs they think it tastes sweet and they will die in a few days , I had to do this to my roommates dogs because they were so annoying

    • Atlanta Man October 30, 2016 at 4:20 pm #

      Get a pound of raw hamburger and crush up 6 bottles of Tylenol into the meat. The dog will die of liver failure in a few days and no one will know what happened. If you use antifreeze there will be crystals in the dogs kidneys and his breath will smell sweet.The veterinarian will immediately recognize the smell on the dogs breath(because this is common) and give it sodium bicarb and fluids , and it will live. Trust me, Tylenol and hamburger, no more dog and no one will be wiser.

      • I hate black guys October 30, 2016 at 11:08 pm #

        You sound like a typical black guy.

  4. Anonymous October 30, 2016 at 11:07 pm #

    Congratulations. You made it like 2 whole blog updates before you posted a new one in which you whined about your stupid dead cat. Fag.

  5. The more you no October 31, 2016 at 4:48 am #

    That was a great piece. Some brilliant spots there. An AR-type in 22 is supposed to be a cheap way to practice your AR mechanics. Doesn’t seem that great to me since you’re not managing recoil.

    It’s funny, having twenty grand in the bank has no feeling, but being twenty grand in debt feels like drowning. And every little expense is a thorn.

    A person who keeps 20 in bank while being 20 in debt is at 0, but paying interest to be at 0. People actually do this. If they pay 10% on 20k, that’s 2k per year for the privilege of sitting on sleeping cash. Pay it off at once and start at clean 0. Then every dollar of income not spent is 100% savings. Feels good.

    And then you won’t have to hate your affordable sedan that’s still hip and socially conscious. Cous-cous and hummus banana-chip farts and leather hiking sandals for men. Farts that would infuriate Faye Dunaway, with her sleek beehive and uncannily classy polyester. Farts worse for resale value than smoking with the windows rolled up. It’s raining in San Diego on Halloween. I said the magic words.

    It’s here. It’s here. It’s h e r e. I t ‘ s h e r e

  6. virginia fidler (@KathyNschotschi) October 31, 2016 at 9:52 am #

    This must be the gathering of psychos. Have you crazies nothing better to do? And has no male landlord ever raised your rent? Squirrel food.

    • Bonnes Tacos October 31, 2016 at 4:06 pm #

      Male landlords just looks deeply, searchingly into our eyes and then, having found the truth, takes our hand in a firm grip, nods, turns around and walks away until next year. They just get it.

      Female landlords though, psshh. The ironically titled Crime and Punishment was about renting from a female landlord, wasn’t it?

      • Rasky November 1, 2016 at 6:43 am #

        No that was about a dude who thought he could hit his (female) pawnbroker in the face and not feel bad about it. He was wrong though.

      • Bonnes Tacos November 1, 2016 at 8:33 am #

        The secret meaning was this: the Crime was done by the female landlord, Raskolnikov was the Punishment. The irony was in calling what he did a Crime.

        Calling her a pawnbroker, and all that followed … just a red herring to confuse the uninitiated.

      • Rasky November 3, 2016 at 10:21 pm #

        Now that you mention it his female landlady was a bit of a twat. But then he also owed her a shit-ton of money. Still though, fuck female landlords.

        My last landlord was a woman and she always complained that my trash was improperly bagged. I guess that’s enough to declare a trend.

    • Anonymous October 31, 2016 at 4:51 pm #

      Sure. Last time he hiked my rent, I nailed a pig’s head to his door. Goddamn Hooknose.

    • No capacity October 31, 2016 at 5:22 pm #

      “Squirrel food.”

      The only thing worse than a female landlord is a “female comedian”.

  7. Jack G October 31, 2016 at 10:49 pm #

    Every reason has a cause. Your life is marginally more miserable because your landlady and neighbor’s pitbull are both first degree cunts. Your landlady is a cunt because she has to deal with tenants and idiotic policies from the State of California and the City of Los Angeles. Your neighbor’s pitbull is a cunt because he probably hasn’t had any pussy in ages. It’s been one and a half days since you posted this and you may have taken this rage out on someone else (if posting about it on your blog and drinking to it haven’t calmed you down yet). And the cycle will go on and on.

    This is life. Some Eastern philosophers and ageing hippies on the West Coast call it ‘Tao’. It really comes down to causality and fate: we are doomed to a natural chain-reaction of hatred and dissatisfaction. Someone is shitting on your head, and you’re shitting on someone else head. My guess is that you hate both of them. But that’s life. No matter what anyone says, it’s what we’re all doomed to.

    At least pussy, booze, and twitter numb the hatred, thereby preventing pussy-deprived warlords from taking over neighborhoods and offering to let parents stop paying taxes in exchange for their daughters.

  8. Jewcoby & Myers November 5, 2016 at 12:13 am #

    yeah, our glorious leader is just venting, but still.
    you nipplecocks can be charged as accessories if he does this.
    i’m especially disappointed in you, dr. nergrorkian.
    what happened to, “first do no harm?”

    now give us our two pennies back.

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