Angel of the Morning

27 May
SA color



His buddy told him: try Seeking Arrangement. I put that I’m worth two million. I take them to a sushi place. But not one where the chef doesn’t let you order. Middle income place; I tell them I don’t have time for courtship. Too busy. With what they don’t ask. I tell them before we set an allowance I have to sample the goods. Easy pussy.

Yeah but I want someone to like me.

Well what else is there. Tinder’s dead. OKCupid, don’t get me started. No girls at the clubs and I promise you it’s from this shit. They all think they can get paid.

I’d sooner be alone, he thought.

Six months later he was at the ATM. The girl waited in the car. They’d met at the duck pond. He didn’t know where else to take a date. The coots had gone. Buffleheads and wigeons moved on to summer feeding grounds. But there was a kingfisher. Snowy egrets.

Like all dates she pretended to like the birds. Except the geese, which scared her. There was a pack of them around a churro a child had dropped. When you got close they’d hiss with oddly human tongues. A big one swung its neck at her and she jumped back instead of leaning into him. A bad sign. What would I do if it bit her, he thought. Would I still have to defend her. The Canada goose is primarily an herbivore. But its serrated bill is strong enough to crush small crabs and other aquatic arthropods.

They’d talked like normal. He still tried to impress her. Had no other way to speak. Her message had said she wanted revenge on the patriarchy. Then a picture of her tits.

They sat by a jacaranda. When she said white males he could tell it was capitalized. She hated Michel Houellebecq. Liked Slavoj Zizek, which she’d practiced saying. Her purse was open. He saw homeopathic extracts. Yes but Zizek is just a Houellebecq character, he said. An ugly man pretending to be deep for pussy. She said what kind of arrangement are you looking for.

I want you to be nice to me, he said. I want you to act like you love me. He’d practiced too.

What does that mean, she said.

We’ll go to my apartment. You take off your clothes but you can leave your panties on. You tickle my back. Maybe whisper in my ear a little. I want intimacy. Like a lover’s touch. I won’t take my cock out. Sixty for the hour.

She had a hairy pussy and it smelled like oregano. She didn’t take her panties off but they were mesh and her grizzly bear muff hung out the sides. Once he’d seen his mother’s cunt hair emerging from dolphin shorts at the pool. It was just like that. White women. He’d put on Daphnis et Chloe by Ravel, remembering it being softer than it was. As she dragged nipples on his back and exhaled in his ear canal there’d be a too-bright horn ostenato, like something out of the Flintstones.

She didn’t talk much. Just how am I doing. Is this OK. It was; she was good at it. In character. He could tell she was getting hot from the oregano smell but when he tried to kiss her she said no.

The next day he didn’t want to hang himself. Thought: if I can get this with money, I won’t have to chase it and lose.

The next girl was black. Fat, 19, her big soft belly rolling over him like a slick wet pillow. Her little girl face made him wish he owned slaves. But she got horny. Suddenly he was working. Pushing his tongue into her salty asshole thinking: does she like this. Same with the next one. Chinese. Fat too; she had a condo from her green card marriage to some Shanghai oligarch. Why do you pay for this, she said. You’re so hot. He couldn’t then not lift up her Hello Kitty dress; climb on top of her with the minimum foreplay allowed by law. Asking can I cum in you. For weeks he’d wake up to texts from both of them. u up. wyd.

But it was the oregano girl he saw again. One night she texted: want me to come tuck you in. She got on top of him. The mesh panties with the soft beard hanging out and she asked: same as last time. One extra thing, he said, and she said I won’t fuck you.

No, can you talk to me. Like what, she asked. Can you say what you’d say if you loved me, he said. She made a face like he’d asked what’s 17 times 23.


23 Responses to “Angel of the Morning”

  1. Pancake Mouse May 27, 2017 at 1:28 pm #

    So here’s the actual question:

    Why are you paying for fat chicks on SA? Any not deformed-looking guy should be banging 7s or higher.

    I’ve seen you, and you’re not exactly deformed.

  2. Adolf Hitler May 27, 2017 at 3:55 pm #

    Lol, the answer is 391, which took me all of 3 seconds in my head. Dumb bitches.

    • Anonymous May 29, 2017 at 3:09 pm #

      I thought the Russians owned what’s left of your head, little man

  3. Atlanta Man May 27, 2017 at 5:09 pm #

    I am just sad now, fat chicks don’t deserve money.

  4. May 27, 2017 at 5:47 pm #

    >> Six months later he was at the ATM. The girl waited in the car.

    ^ I wondered if this was fiction…

    >> She had a hairy pussy… her grizzly bear muff hung out the sides… White women.

    ^ Then I knew it wasn’t.

    I haven’t fucked a white girl in a long time… I know there are some cute ones, but “grizzly bear muff” isn’t something I miss.

    >> Well what else is there. Tinder’s dead. OKCupid, don’t get me started. No girls at the clubs and I promise you it’s from this shit. They all think they can get paid.

    Actually, I assume this is fiction… but this ^ part rings very true.

    But this conclusion (real or fictional) is an error in segmentation… I think a lot of ONLINE girls are like this, are this entitled, do think they need to get paid to tolerate another guy wanting something from them…

    But these are ONLINE girls… that is *a* segment, and a painful one. Not all girls are online and not all girls are like that.

    ONLINE girls have a certain experience… that is 1000s of offers, per day, from guys that don’t know what else they can do. 1000s of offers. So they can turn the screws and get what they want… from that segment of guys.

    But there are other pools to fish in… ones that aren’t online.

    >> Well what else is there.

    Once upon a time… before there was an “interwebs,”… there was… daygame.

    Viva daygame.

    • Somebody May 28, 2017 at 3:22 am #

      “Not all girls are online”

      This was discussed in the comments here at one point. IIRC it was Nikol who pointed out that of course all girls are online, it’s just another way of seeing what’s out there (paraphrasing).

      They do it “noncommittally” so they don’t have to feel guilty when they inevitably lie about it later.

  5. J.A.F.O. May 28, 2017 at 5:02 am #

    Hey kids, donate to this guy so these get made into a miniseries

    • Mansonosam May 29, 2017 at 7:22 am #

      Great idea! We’ll offer Owen Wilson the role of DT.

      • Atlanta Man May 29, 2017 at 1:34 pm #

        That would be perfect casting!

      • whu June 2, 2017 at 11:20 pm #

        He’s busy but we can offer you Steve Buscemi.

      • Mansonosam June 15, 2017 at 10:16 am #

        So, just got off the phone – rather abruptly – with SB. I showed him the website. He was quiet for a few seconds then muttered something about having standards and hung up. Maybe we’ll go CGI instead.

  6. Sorcerygod May 29, 2017 at 7:58 am #

    *stroking my chin sideways*

    Verrrry inderesting, Mr. Tacos.

    Tell me, what do you think of das mutter?

  7. Remoboth May 30, 2017 at 7:03 am #

    Great post.

    I’ve noticed a trend where your best works seem to be confessions of conceding to progressively more degeneracy over a span of time.

    I dunno. It could just be what I’ve noticed.

    Hope you’re in better spirits and never stop writing.

    You’re our generation’s Bukowski.

  8. Stupid white guy June 4, 2017 at 6:34 pm #

    Your such a fucking loser i cant wait until you are dead. The planet is better off without you.

  9. B rob (@TheCityBachelor) June 18, 2017 at 9:27 am #

    Welcome to the future of dating lol

    Although you don’t actually have to pay these girls..

  10. Tom April 8, 2018 at 11:05 am #

    Love your writing.

  11. Andrea May 2, 2018 at 2:34 pm #

    Did you start drinking again? If I would have been born a man, Id probably be you or Putin.


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