This post is fiction.
IT’S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY. 43 years old. A Tuesday. Work at 8AM. OK.
I was depressed yesterday, or scared, or something. 43 dying childless and alone. Obsessed with this burning wood smell in my house. Nice acrid smell of a wood fire in the distance on a winter’s night. Except inside. Stuck my head out in the cold dark air to see if it was coming from someone’s fire. No. In the house. Pushed the button on my carbon monoxide detector. Red light and three beeps like a warning it talks about in a long discarded instruction manual. Your carbon monoxide detector is not working. Replace immediately.
So I fantasized about my mother texting me for my birthday. I don’t respond. Her hurt feelings. Gentle follow up texts next day. Clearly hurt but trying not to show it. Days later not hearing back. She calls and calls and texts please text back and finally drives here hours and hours and looks in my bedroom window. There I am dead from inhaling whatever this shit was. A charcoal flame lit under my house by the guy threatening to dox me (again). Not to burn the house down, but so fumes kill me like the John C. Reilly looking singer from Boston killed himself. Afraid to sleep. Watching Doug Demuro videos. He was analyzing the Subaru Brat. Doing math to prove the fumes aren’t making me retarded. 17 times 23. 10 times 23 plus 7 times 20 plus 7 times 3. 391. Am I right.
And I thought: if I wake up, I’ll be grateful to be alive. Well I’m up and I am. Good fucking morning. I’m 43 years old. Suck my dick.
Won’t sell a thousand books for Shill Month. Proof of concept at five bucks a book that I can some day quit my job. NO SUCH LUCK. 700 at two bucks a book; reduce price to have a new reason to tweet. Fuck it. Yes you’re 43 years old. So what. So what. I failed to get a fucking fish tank. Drove to the highest rated aquarium store on google maps. Spent an hour waiting in line behind a guy getting his water PH explained to him and it turns out they don’t have the size tank I need. Well it’s on me for not calling. Massage place nearby with lots of Rubmaps reviews and a fucking big what’s that guy’s name- the guy who beat up Jean Claude Van Damme- Zito- a big Chuck Zito looking killer at the door. I was grudgingly jacked off by a squat chinless Panamanian who was angry I didn’t have two hundred to fuck her. Squatting on me with her hot cunt warming my ass crack, cracking my neck. Two dollar black Wilma Flintstone tube dress with some Armenian’s cum on it. I must say she was good. Though I had to give her an “assist” and jack myself off, while she held her palm over my dickhole to prevent nut spraying in my own mouth. Got desperate when she couldn’t get me off. Pawing the top of my balls. Pinching my nipples. Anything to get me out of the room. She even tried being nice. Choo have a nice body. Are choo single or marry. At last she took out her tits which were extraordinary. I understood I could be happy. Date an ugly Hispanic woman with big beautiful tits. Maybe the gas killed me and this is paradise.
delicioustacos 
Needs to be an app for tips but instead of “buy x a coffee” it’s “buy x a handjob”.
Do you mind if I email you asking about maybe looking up some places for me on rubmaps? Don’t want to pay that sub, and I couldn’t afford to buy you a handjob but maybe a glare by female until you finish.
As far as birthdays go, this for me, would have been one of the better ones. And I’m 69. So Happy Bday. Now challenge yourself to push to 44. And keep writing. You are the voice of the revolution.
Thanks
happy birfday delificioustcos
Thank you
My birthday is today and at 5am this morning i was drunk, taking some g with the fattest, ugliest, cheapest hook I could find on leolist. I got a bbbj and rawdogged it until I gave up, walked home and played cod 4 as the g hit. I jerked off and when to bed. Your birthday sounds like it was better then mine. Happy birthday DT.
Sorry for any grammer mistakes and the rambling. Started drinking again.
Happy 4-3 & glad things were poppin off under the circus tent
Never heard of rubmaps, so I had to check it out. Turns out that the local place where my wife gets her massages has a ton of reviews on there 😂
U r unironically my favorite contemporary writer.