Vaccine Report

16 Jan

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I got the Moderna. The first shot. Yesterday felt like I got punched in the arm. Today like a mule kicked me. Otherwise just subtleties.

Lips not fully under control. Little drops of drool seep out the corners. Not enough to get ropey. But the air cools the edge of your mouth and you notice. My tongue felt larger. It felt like it was an elbow. Just slightly. Command it to make words and they’re intercepted. Translated by a non-native speaker. Fog. Loss of lower order cognition. A where are my keys feeling, but I could still think about Schopenhauer.

Almost missed my freeway exit. I take it every day. Got the vaccine then rushed home to jack off in a freezer bag. In case messenger RNA inculcates its message in my sperm. Telling it make the baby half man half virus. Make protein spikes that eat placenta. Forgot to JO before the shot. I hope I got it out in time. Sweating in my VR helmet looking at a Japanese woman with an overbite and crisp fresh white panties. Pronounced pussy lips some handler carefully creased into the fabric. She stripped slowly sitting on a pressboard desk with 1990’s black office phone and Venetian blinds. She’s your personal assistant. She takes off her skirt, heels, black stockings, then her tank top sweater. Permits your tiny Japanese hands to touch her. Soft giggly voice, she’s so nice.

The nursing student volunteer was hot. I told her I respect her school. The students I meet are all smart. Where do you meet them, she said. It’s Seeking Arrangement but I said the grocery store. I’m afraid I’ve made a mistake. And I’ll be retarded now. Some other phrase–some other thing I’m afraid of but it fizzles out in seltzer bubbles as I reach up for words and there’s just a hiss. Retarded crippled flipper baby ball sac but it’s easing up now and I can tell it’ll be nothing. Maybe it works. And this shit can all end. I can see a face again. While my last seed sleeps under the hot dog buns. Restless and cold, it cries out to be born.

7 Responses to “Vaccine Report”

  1. kvndoom January 17, 2021 at 5:33 am #

    My wife works in a hospital. Trust me, if you’re one of the humans natural selection has chosen to succumb to COVID if you catch it, the shot is still the better option.

    • verybrief January 18, 2021 at 7:14 am #

      family owns a nursing home, no one had corona for a year. After the shot half of the staff got it and almost half of the users. If ur young or not in healthcare its not worth it

  2. anon January 17, 2021 at 11:17 am #

    Was kind of hoping for a story about a vaccinated only orgy space

  3. Anonymous January 18, 2021 at 12:30 am #

    Jesus christ my man. Your writing gets better and better.

  4. woodcock January 19, 2021 at 7:51 pm #

    How’d you get your hands on the vaccine?

    • 2022 Tesla Choadster February 20, 2021 at 6:45 pm #

      this blog is completely fictional and the author just makes shit up to stay topical whenever he feels like writing something about trendy topics. clearly we know he’s neither a “frontline worker” nor a senior citizen. so most likely he got this vaccine, which he (and many of his readers) desperately needed:

  5. Howard Hughes April 21, 2021 at 10:52 am #

    Tacos, you should try semen retention. I didn’t expect it to work but it does. Go back and forth and try it out like an A/B test. Ejaculate a lot one week, then not at all the next week, then a lot the next week, then not at all the next week, etc. and record how you feel throughout — pretty soon you’ll understand what it does.

    When you’re retaining your semen, words spill out quicker. The poetry bubbles up to the surface of your brain quicker and more potently.

    It makes intuitive sense that spilling a substance with the ability to create life onto a Kleenex makes no sense in terms of mental health. It’s clearly a valuable substance, you can make babies with it. And it has antidepressant properties. Why waste those antidepressants on Kleenex and into women? Why not keep that joy juice for yourself and turn it into art.

    If you go on the /r/semenretention subreddit you’ll see a lot of hyperbole about how it “gives you superpowers.” This is not true, but there is a GRAIN of truth in it. Retaining your semen makes you more present and aware. It makes lyrical words spill out of your consciousness more readily. It makes you feel more like yourself. I was a skeptic and I didn’t want to believe it until I went back and forth and tested it and journaled and found out god damn it, it’s true.

    You know how when you ejaculate a lot, you feel vacant and empty? Not depressed but just barren. Semen retention makes you feel like the opposite of that. It makes you feel present and alive and sensitive, so SENSITIVE, to all the little intricate joys of life. When you retain your semen it’s like your whole body turns into a giant dick, covered in pleasure-sensitive nerve endings and hypersensitive to the tiniest joys.

    I’ve tried a lot of things to feel differently. Antidepressants, self-medicating with pussy, drowning myself in drugs, taking a trip, not taking a trip, etc etc etc — and semen retention is one of the only things I’ve ever found that genuinely moves the needle on my baseline level of contentment and satisfaction on this mortal plane.

    The entire countries of India and China know about it but the western world doesn’t. There’s entire Taoist passages about it. Muhammad Ali and nietzche and Tesla and prince all practiced it. There’s evidence and examples out there. But really you don’t even need the supporting evidence because I know you know that it just makes intuitive sense to keep the most precious substance in your body for yourself instead of wasting it.

    Try it. You’ll like it. No superpowers unless you count awareness and contentment and ease of creating art as a superpower. If you do, then yes it gives you superpowers.

    No harm in trying. And you’ll never know til you try.

    Killer post as always. You continually inspire me. Let’s get out there and have a beautiful day. One day at a time.


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