Birthday 2021

20 Feb

This year sucked. I want my money back. Can the damage be reversed. A year alone. Year as a male self improvement caricature. Year in the Joe Rogan Expanded Universe. A guy talked shit so I learned boxing. Watched MMA. When you box you put your front leg out. A guy can kick it. How to prevent this. I learned Muay Thai. Primitive instinctual bare bow archery. Bought and customized a rifle. Put 3,000 rounds through it. Waiting. Waiting for savage Robert E. Howard hordes to swarm the stairs. Waiting to make my stand. Nothing happens. My ears just ring.

A year in lockdown. Governor Gavin Newsom’s head should not be backed over by a Jeep Grand Wagoneer. That would be wrong. Throwing it in reverse, muted African thumb piano clunk within the steering column. 1986 three on the tree style stalk vibrates as the tranny engages and then slowly just…. it’s bad, thinking like this. LA County Health Commissioner Barbara Ferrer should not be teep kicked in the cunt. Mayor Eric Garcetti’s cranium not an appropriate target for a power leg roundhouse. If you need to take a step, step OUT. Not forward. Use your height. Don’t step within his jab. Shins beat to numb steel with ancient oriental tortures. Feels like nothing when I walk into the ottoman. Wrong to swing the hardened batons I’m standing on repeatedly into the temples of our fine elected officials, for giving us this hack and uninspiring year.

It was supposed to kill a billion people. I should be in Angeles Crest eating and wearing small game. I review budget proposals. 45. I look more like Tom Brady than Jerry Garcia. I do get pussy. Have money. Fancy title. But I still work. Books don’t make money anymore. The next one will take five years. If it happens. Everything sucks, there’s no God and you can all can lick my balls. Happy birthday.


The cat couldn’t piss again. My feral cat Woodrow who lives in the yard. Called him and he didn’t come. Found him in the dark trying to pee. He went to the neighbors’ yard. They watched him try to pee. We watched him try to pee together.

Took him to a different vet. Last time there was a Bentley in front of me. They were going to catheterize him. It would be $5600. He peed on his own and they let him out. This time a worse part of town. $5600.

Both places same price because they have the same owner. Mars Candy did a rollup of every vet clinic. You can’t buy stock. Owned by America’s third wealthiest family. Filbert Q. Mars III took his indoor Shetland pony to the vet. They told him $5600. A light bulb went off. What are you gonna do.

I have a hundred sixty grand liquid. Vet bill’s effect on my net worth offset by my Palantir stock. Palantir helps the CIA track, arrest and torture my friends. If Woodrow gets blocked again they’ll cut his penis off. Invert it to a vagina. This is really what they do. The cat turns blue, writes anguished critiques of video games.

They catheterized him. I kept him in the house. Monitored his urine. I love when he pisses. Drops healthy stools. Breathe it in. Smells like him staying alive. Love seeing his food gone. Fancy Feast Turkey and Giblets Classic Pate and crushed up urethra pills. He healed. I love my cat’s healthy penis.

My birthday sucked. Worst day at work all year. I go out back and the cat comes from where he sleeps under the African fire cactus. I petted him while he ate grass. I love him and I saved his life this year. It’s good to be here. Good to be with you.

10 Responses to “Birthday 2021”

  1. Anonymous February 20, 2021 at 12:38 pm #

    You saved a homeless cat’s dick. Good deed checked off for the year.

  2. Pete M February 20, 2021 at 1:55 pm #

    Happy birthday winner

  3. Sed February 20, 2021 at 2:39 pm #

    Well, happy birthday, still.

  4. david r smith February 20, 2021 at 3:12 pm #

    Every time I take my dog to the vet before we get out of the car I say…. Listen Valentine…. If this is over $150 it’s lights out. Most bills are under a hundred, so I think she understands. And happy birthday.

  5. Shillberg February 20, 2021 at 7:00 pm #

    habby birddey mofuggah
    you ever make a reddit account and interact with your fans on the del taco reddit page? might be another good place to shill your books. even A-list celebs and bill gates have reddit AMAs. don’t be so removed from your fans, they quite litcherally give you free monies. i’ve always found it weird that you court the right-wing 4chan crowd, but at the same time you seem to despise them. why not try reddit. i finna made an account there to shill stocks on the 3 main boards. it’s not as bad as the anti-reddit peolpe claim it is.

    just focus on the shill, shilling is a way of life, it is part of the Game.

    • Shillberg February 20, 2021 at 10:49 pm #

      tacos my boi, you gotta learn how to enjoy life.
      for example, why not have a sumptuous french-japanese feast:

      1505 Mission St, South Pasadena, CA 91030

      “One of L.A.’s top restaurants for 33 years.”

  6. Aaron Mai-Wang February 21, 2021 at 9:36 pm #

    Might wanna look into the ingredients of the cat food you were/are feeding him. Perhaps too high mineral content. Sounds like kidney or bladder stone blocked urethra. Can happen to humans too as you may already know the pain of passing one out.

    Not advice, and am not a loicensed vet. Sounds like you don’t mind spending a few grand here and there anyway. Seems wasteful if it can be prevented by just choosing different cat food with no added unnecessary minerals like phosphorous. The vets and Nestle are happy to take your extra sheks though.

  7. Aaron Mai-Wang February 22, 2021 at 10:04 am #

    Also you can print and sign this petition to recall newsom, and mail it back to the address indicated. Even better if you can get a few more signatures from family/friends/recentpussy. Getting close to the deadline and the SoS is trying to throw out “unverifiable” signatures to lower the total number required.

  8. Mr. Sullinz February 22, 2021 at 11:14 am #

    Happy belated birthday, Senor Tacos. Sorry it’s been such a rough one, same here. Some good came out of it on my end though. I’ve finally given up drinking and all it took was a DUI! Got a better job, and hoping to use that momentum to work towards getting an even better one. Reading a lot more as well, currently switching between The KJV and Celine. Eventually once I’m used to my new schedule I’ll go back to the gym and start cooking again. None of this will get me laid, of course, but I still feel it’s worth doing, gotta find peace where you can. In any event, I hope this year will be better for all of us and that the vaccine doesn’t prevent you from having many hapa children. Best of luck.

  9. Filbert Q. Mars III February 23, 2021 at 8:31 am #

    looks like deltacos bragging about his PLTR was the sell signal

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