I’m Turning Retarded

10 Feb

Second time I woke up and the deadbolt was locked, with no memory of it, and no sense memory of turning it. The distinctive brushed bronze. Was the back deadbolt locked. This would have been definitive proof that I locked it myself, right?

Unless someone with the keys did it.

I must have– here’s the thing, there’s a blackout, a gap in memory, and am I losing my mind is the question. Either someone is coming into my house while I sleep, taking nothing, disturbing nothing, leaving no footprints, or I’m waking up in the middle of the night and locking the deadbolt. Which only goes in about halfway. You have to twist it hard and even when it works it seems fucked up. You’d remember.

So am I sleepwalking. Well that would be normal. Wake up, a noise occurs, I think it’s Satan. I also think the deadbolt will keep me from being assaulted by Satan. I get up and lock it and go back to bed.

I take no psychoactive drugs. No Ambien. No memory of climbing out of my high bed swinging my legs like getting off a Percheron to not fry my thighs on the hot radiator. No turning on the lights, no memory of the creak creak creak across 1911 hardwood floors to lock the deadbolt. No memory of pushing the door solidly home. It doesn’t quite fit. You have to lean into it. Twisting the deadbolt and seeing it only go in half cocked– no memory of trying to force it in all the way, forcing the door fully closed to get it in and it won’t quite go, etc. Any of these would have woken me up. I was going to say a pine cone falling from a tree or some shit wakes me. But I’ve slept through earthquakes. So I have to deduce that I woke up, locked the deadbolt myself– because I wouldn’t have done it before bed, right? I never do this. Or the landlord comes in at night and jacks off on my face.

I have to deduce the past. What if I’m losing my mind. What if I have Alzheimer’s. They just discovered it comes from gum disease. The gum bacteria gets in your brain which then makes some protein that makes you stupid. Fuck man. I used to not floss.

9 Responses to “I’m Turning Retarded”

  1. Abracaxandra February 10, 2019 at 5:08 pm #

    It’s me

    • J.A.F.O. February 15, 2019 at 11:59 pm #

      “Family Charms” was poignant. I say it here b/c maybe you get some more traffic. But this may not be your audience…
      Anyway, good work.

      • Abracaxandra February 16, 2019 at 3:54 am #

        Thank you!
        I don’t understand how traffic works here on WP—- may I ask you a few questions?

      • J.A.F.O. February 16, 2019 at 5:54 am #

        Sure, ask away; I sent you an email a few mins ago.
        Better to converse there, away from this here Troll Cellar

  2. Mindy February 10, 2019 at 8:13 pm #

    Your subconscious is trying to tell you that the lock not functioning correctly is making you uncomfortable and insecure. Just get it fixed and you’ll feel better. Your mind will find something else to be creepy about and then fix that and you’ll feel better. Nothing will ever stop the mind’s way of communicating so just understand that it’s smarter than you, even in its extremely annoying mute dummy sort of way. The mind is like a demon that demonstrates to communicate, because it’s such a complex machine. If your mind ever takes over your mouth and starts speaking through you, you’ll be very creeped out but don’t sorry about it. It’s just that the mind finally figured out how to speech. Let it.

  3. shillbert von sellsalot February 10, 2019 at 9:11 pm #

    just an idea…point a camera at that deadbolt. leave it recording whilst you sleep. one of them security ones or even a dash cam. hell, or just use your phone, there’s probably some app. hide it. catch lucifer or lilith or your stalker or your landlord in the act. then when you play the vid back and it shows the deadbolt locks into position *on its own*…maybe that’s a sign to move. ghost, aliens, succubus, whatever it is. nobody has time for that shit.

  4. dark dodecad February 11, 2019 at 12:00 pm #

    don’t worry, they’ll have to discover a cure for that in order to keep pushing the fuckin’ age up

  5. dark dodecad February 11, 2019 at 12:02 pm #

    don’t worry, they’ll have to discover a cure for that in order to keep pushing the fuckin’ age up

  6. dark dodecad February 11, 2019 at 12:03 pm #

    that comment i made never went through, and it’s probably for the best

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