Birthday 2021

20 Feb

This year sucked. I want my money back. Can the damage be reversed. A year alone. Year as a male self improvement caricature. Year in the Joe Rogan Expanded Universe. A guy talked shit so I learned boxing. Watched MMA. When you box you put your front leg out. A guy can kick it. How to prevent this. I learned Muay Thai. Primitive instinctual bare bow archery. Bought and customized a rifle. Put 3,000 rounds through it. Waiting. Waiting for savage Robert E. Howard hordes to swarm the stairs. Waiting to make my stand. Nothing happens. My ears just ring.

A year in lockdown. Governor Gavin Newsom’s head should not be backed over by a Jeep Grand Wagoneer. That would be wrong. Throwing it in reverse, muted African thumb piano clunk within the steering column. 1986 three on the tree style stalk vibrates as the tranny engages and then slowly just…. it’s bad, thinking like this. LA County Health Commissioner Barbara Ferrer should not be teep kicked in the cunt. Mayor Eric Garcetti’s cranium not an appropriate target for a power leg roundhouse. If you need to take a step, step OUT. Not forward. Use your height. Don’t step within his jab. Shins beat to numb steel with ancient oriental tortures. Feels like nothing when I walk into the ottoman. Wrong to swing the hardened batons I’m standing on repeatedly into the temples of our fine elected officials, for giving us this hack and uninspiring year.

It was supposed to kill a billion people. I should be in Angeles Crest eating and wearing small game. I review budget proposals. 45. I look more like Tom Brady than Jerry Garcia. I do get pussy. Have money. Fancy title. But I still work. Books don’t make money anymore. The next one will take five years. If it happens. Everything sucks, there’s no God and you can all can lick my balls. Happy birthday.


The cat couldn’t piss again. My feral cat Woodrow who lives in the yard. Called him and he didn’t come. Found him in the dark trying to pee. He went to the neighbors’ yard. They watched him try to pee. We watched him try to pee together.

Took him to a different vet. Last time there was a Bentley in front of me. They were going to catheterize him. It would be $5600. He peed on his own and they let him out. This time a worse part of town. $5600.

Both places same price because they have the same owner. Mars Candy did a rollup of every vet clinic. You can’t buy stock. Owned by America’s third wealthiest family. Filbert Q. Mars III took his indoor Shetland pony to the vet. They told him $5600. A light bulb went off. What are you gonna do.

I have a hundred sixty grand liquid. Vet bill’s effect on my net worth offset by my Palantir stock. Palantir helps the CIA track, arrest and torture my friends. If Woodrow gets blocked again they’ll cut his penis off. Invert it to a vagina. This is really what they do. The cat turns blue, writes anguished critiques of video games.

They catheterized him. I kept him in the house. Monitored his urine. I love when he pisses. Drops healthy stools. Breathe it in. Smells like him staying alive. Love seeing his food gone. Fancy Feast Turkey and Giblets Classic Pate and crushed up urethra pills. He healed. I love my cat’s healthy penis.

My birthday sucked. Worst day at work all year. I go out back and the cat comes from where he sleeps under the African fire cactus. I petted him while he ate grass. I love him and I saved his life this year. It’s good to be here. Good to be with you.

21 Responses to “Birthday 2021”

  1. Anonymous February 20, 2021 at 12:38 pm #

    You saved a homeless cat’s dick. Good deed checked off for the year.

  2. Pete M February 20, 2021 at 1:55 pm #

    Happy birthday winner

  3. Sed February 20, 2021 at 2:39 pm #

    Well, happy birthday, still.

  4. david r smith February 20, 2021 at 3:12 pm #

    Every time I take my dog to the vet before we get out of the car I say…. Listen Valentine…. If this is over $150 it’s lights out. Most bills are under a hundred, so I think she understands. And happy birthday.

  5. Shillberg February 20, 2021 at 7:00 pm #

    habby birddey mofuggah
    you ever make a reddit account and interact with your fans on the del taco reddit page? might be another good place to shill your books. even A-list celebs and bill gates have reddit AMAs. don’t be so removed from your fans, they quite litcherally give you free monies. i’ve always found it weird that you court the right-wing 4chan crowd, but at the same time you seem to despise them. why not try reddit. i finna made an account there to shill stocks on the 3 main boards. it’s not as bad as the anti-reddit peolpe claim it is.

    just focus on the shill, shilling is a way of life, it is part of the Game.

    • Shillberg February 20, 2021 at 10:49 pm #

      tacos my boi, you gotta learn how to enjoy life.
      for example, why not have a sumptuous french-japanese feast:

      1505 Mission St, South Pasadena, CA 91030

      “One of L.A.’s top restaurants for 33 years.”

  6. Aaron Mai-Wang February 21, 2021 at 9:36 pm #

    Might wanna look into the ingredients of the cat food you were/are feeding him. Perhaps too high mineral content. Sounds like kidney or bladder stone blocked urethra. Can happen to humans too as you may already know the pain of passing one out.

    Not advice, and am not a loicensed vet. Sounds like you don’t mind spending a few grand here and there anyway. Seems wasteful if it can be prevented by just choosing different cat food with no added unnecessary minerals like phosphorous. The vets and Nestle are happy to take your extra sheks though.

    • Thai Ni-Wang March 11, 2021 at 12:17 am #

      Shut the fuck up, Aaron. Tacos is an Experienced Cat Owner, and knows what’s best to do with his current pet. He’s also a successful man in the Third Act of his life, he doesn’t need advice from some random nobody commentor. Clean your room and sort yourself out bucko.

    • Mina Smith March 25, 2021 at 10:37 am #

      Apparently there is a lot to be said for moist food and raw diet if you can do it. The dry stuff is just garbage for cats.

      • Aaron Mai-Wang May 12, 2021 at 4:52 pm #

        tacos is feeding the cat a mass-produced product called fancy feast, which is moist and comes in can. i agree with you, raw diet is best, for cats and humans. but tacos is set in his ways. the cat in question is a stray, so it’s used to surviving on birds and mice before it gained access to tacos’….uh, “charity”…one last thing, it’s unnatural to eat every day (both for animals and humans). by tacos own admission, this stray cat has put on quite a bit of weight. so put two and two together…the cat was fat and had a blocked urethra, two things that are not healthy and not natural. just pointing out the facts. the little guy went from living a somewhat natural life, even though it was difficult (had to hunt, uncertain meals, some days nothing to eat at all) to a pampered life (free mushy processed food, safe place to sleep, regular petting and head pats).

        having said that i’m going to go have a fresh glass of juice.

  7. Aaron Mai-Wang February 22, 2021 at 10:04 am #

    Also you can print and sign this petition to recall newsom, and mail it back to the address indicated. Even better if you can get a few more signatures from family/friends/recentpussy. Getting close to the deadline and the SoS is trying to throw out “unverifiable” signatures to lower the total number required.

  8. Mr. Sullinz February 22, 2021 at 11:14 am #

    Happy belated birthday, Senor Tacos. Sorry it’s been such a rough one, same here. Some good came out of it on my end though. I’ve finally given up drinking and all it took was a DUI! Got a better job, and hoping to use that momentum to work towards getting an even better one. Reading a lot more as well, currently switching between The KJV and Celine. Eventually once I’m used to my new schedule I’ll go back to the gym and start cooking again. None of this will get me laid, of course, but I still feel it’s worth doing, gotta find peace where you can. In any event, I hope this year will be better for all of us and that the vaccine doesn’t prevent you from having many hapa children. Best of luck.

  9. Filbert Q. Mars III February 23, 2021 at 8:31 am #

    looks like deltacos bragging about his PLTR was the sell signal

  10. ancient greek February 26, 2021 at 5:38 am #

    While we sit here waiting for the pussy to be allowed to flow, it is quite nice to be enjoying the gift of life. 45 is a rough go but you’ve still got a good 20-30 years of access to nubility left, young man. My father is 68 and for the last 8 years on his birthday, I give him one cialis, one extra strength viagra, and 250 smackeroos for an hour at the ‘best’ spa in the area. He tells me he just splits the blue one in three and does a bunch of half hours at the asian place around the way and I tease the shit out of him, making them work like that. I am his favourite son. Be sure to quit the job before you’re 50.

    Sucks that the shillbergs of the world are still alive but sounds pretty alright in tacoland otherwise. Here’s to your cat and another one around the sun.

    • Shillberg May 3, 2021 at 10:58 pm #

      wanna fight?

  11. Anonymous February 26, 2021 at 12:51 pm #

    Golden balls

  12. Ranjeet March 1, 2021 at 1:52 pm #

    Dear Supreme Gentleman Delicious Tacos,

    can I interest you in some AQB stock as an investment to consider for your watchlist? it was recently mentioned on /biz/ for the past few weeks, and is now down quite a lot from highs. It was also accumulated by the famed stock picker Cathie Wood for her ARK etf portfolios. i do believe she also owns a large amount of TSLA stock. pls do the needful, kind sir. Cats love salmon!

  13. Anonymous March 2, 2021 at 3:56 pm #

    Serious question: you talk about wanting to have a wife and kids, but also about being exclusively attracted to young women and quickly losing interest in established sexual partners. Wouldn’t a prospective wife have to worry about you dumping her after you inevitably got bored?

  14. regenfast March 6, 2021 at 7:41 pm #

    a piece of friendly advice, stop liking and replying to “renaultfailure” on twitter, if you want to look at T&A go on instagram, that’s where he’s getting all those pictures from anyways. Putting softcore porn on people’s timelines is not an improvement for your brand

    • braindeadnpc March 14, 2021 at 12:32 pm #

      the first rule of tacosclub is: you do not gib him advice
      the 2nd rule of tacosclub is: you do *NOT* gib him advice
      and the third rule of tacosclub is…you must buy his books :^)

  15. Anonymous April 11, 2021 at 2:12 pm #

    It’s so exciting to see how much your fans have accepted themselves. Just when you think they couldn’t be more caricature, they become caricatures of even themselves. Bravo, sir Taco. Thank you for being so unsuccessful in mating. You had every opportunity and you have managed to avoid even the one most likely thing you could have done. The world is better for it.

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