Many suitors, but I chose “Surprise for Sleeping Sister.” A woman lays on her stomach. You mostly see her ass in multicolored panties. A man strokes his angry red penis for 90 seconds. Squeezes a halfhearted load in her ass crack. She does not wake. You can hear a Family Guy episode in the background. Mr. Spock wins the lottery and tells the rest of the Enterprise to go fuck themselves. McFarlane doesn’t try to sound like Spock. The niggardly load coughed up onto the sister’s plump ass cheeks barely registers. It will be harmlessly absorbed into fabric and unnoticed. There will be no surprise. Continue reading
Diary: Bright Shiny Morning
1 Feb(Note: the title of this piece is stolen from one of James Frey’s fake memoirs)
All right, good morning. My boss had a migraine today. This means she’s leaving the company. My job will go away. Bills will pile up and up. I will never have money, never have a wife, children. I’ll die alone. I will trip on a crack in the sidewalk and break my jaw and walk around with a cracked mandible half hanging off my skull and swelling like plastic grocery bags full of lard. My penis will shrink and my balls will grow and I’ll be raped and cut to pieces in the street but I won’t die. I’ll live and live while the pigeons peck at my eyes. I will never feel better. A clown will be there and he will laugh at me.
My anal abscess will come back. I will be broke. I will not get unemployment. I will not get another job. Who would hire a man with an infected ass. I will never travel, never fall in love, never again have a girl stroke my back with her hot palm, kiss my ear. No more Isla in her little panties. I’ll never write anything good. The cat will die. My ass. Did I mention my ass. The bills and tickets and taxes will stack up and the city of Los Angeles will send a mounted death squad to my home to take my cock as payment. I will shrink, turn ugly, I will be a retarded Stephen Hawking; I’ll live in a mechanized wheelchair and shit in a bag that’s attached to me by a plastic hose and my penis will break out in boils and everyone will see it and know. The Xbox will break. The car will break, fuck man– my ass really… it doesn’t quite hurt yet, it just feels like there’s a tooth in it. A molar. I did eat hot sauce and Brussels sprouts last night. Maybe that’s the issue.
Maria
31 JanShe had big tits and she was studying to be a mortician. Her OKCupid was all about death. Guatemalan I think. She wouldn’t fuck on the first date. I fingerfucked her in her car instead. A black Camry or something with a tan or gray interior. Pink panties.
I fucked her on the second date and then a couple more times until we drifted apart. Last I heard from her she was getting married to another tall skinny white man with a large broken nose. He’s into guns.
I still jerk off to her occasionally. The fantasy is that I run into her at the Cha Cha Lounge. Fuck her on top of the dumpster in back. Either she’s sitting on it facing me with legs spread open or she’s bent over it. More the former probably, because of the tits. She wants to get pregnant but it isn’t happening with the husband or she doesn’t want it to, and she tells me to cum in her, to give her a baby because I look like him and he won’t notice.
This is from 3 dates 4 years ago. You fuck 200 girls but get all your jerk mileage from the same five women. Why is she the one that sticks. Why are the others written in water. Which one am I to them.
The Messiah
25 Dec
image stolen from rachelcooksthai.com
(This is a selection from my book Hot Naked Tits, which you can buy here.)
We were at dinner. And how’s your dating life, she asked. Well if I like them they don’t like me. If they like me I don’t like them. If they’re pretty they won’t fuck me. If they’re ugly they will. I spend my hours trying to find the prettiest woman who’s just ugly enough to fuck me. I can tell my worth from where the needle lands. But let’s be honest: I’ll fuck anything that moves; I’m an animal; I’ll jerk it to porn where the women look like something they pulled out of the Mariana Trench so why not fuck them in real life. Four months since you left me. I’ve been trying to replace you the whole time. One girl came close; she was 22. Her face wasn’t like yours but she had big tits. She left me too. I was hurting from you and I tried to fix it and now I’m hurting from both of you and the evidence keeps piling up that I’m unlovable. Why won’t you love me. What is wrong with me. I mean, my face, but you always said I was hot– Asian women can’t tell when white men are ugly. And vice versa. One of the few blessings God gave us, in dating. Otherwise, whether we’re loved is dictated by the shape of our skull. Continue reading
Let’s Go Out for Coffee, She Says
22 DecWell no. There are day date guys who take girls to coffee and museums. Then there are night date guys girls drink with later. On your night date the How’s OKCupid for You talk happens. I actually went on another date today, she tells you. He was nice. He’s an architect. That text was from him, it says it was nice seeing you today, thanks for coming, I hope I can get to know you better. A nice guy but I just don’t think it’s going to work out. Later she’s at your place trying to pet your cat who wants to be left alone. She’s drunk and can’t read his signals. I’m not usually like this, she tells you. Don’t cum in me.
New Book
delicioustacos 