Relax, It Doesn’t Matter Who’s President

Your taxes are not going to go up or down.  And if they do, who gives  a shit.  It won’t be a meaningful amount.  You are not barely hanging on by the amount that your taxes will increase.  You are not going to get some windfall by the amount your taxes will decrease.  They are not going to up the taxes enough that the debt and deficit are lowered meaningfully, nor are they going to lower them so that the debt and deficit are raised meaningfully.  All that shit, the money shit, is going to stay pretty much exactly the same.

If you can get an abortion now, you will still be able to get an abortion.  If you live in North Dakota, you will have to drive very far to get an abortion.  But you already have to drive very far to get an abortion.  You have to drive across the equivalent of France to get a fuel filter for a Japanese car, or a burrito.  If you live in North Dakota, you probably do not need or want or would consider having an abortion.  Why is it such a big fucking deal, the five abortions performed annually in North Dakota.  Or in Mississippi– when have you ever heard of someone getting pregnant in Mississippi, and no matter how young they were, how poor, no matter how abusive and drunk the father is, how many babies he already has with thirty other women, how much chromosome damage the baby was going to have from the mother pounding from whatever clay jug labeled “XXX” they drink from in Mississippi– when was the last time you ever heard of someone getting pregnant in Mississippi and not keeping the baby. Any state considering outlawing abortion is an entire state of Honey Boo Boo.  Every birth is from statutory rape by a multiple convict, and every six fingered IQ 80 baby is considered a huge blessing from Jesus where you wouldn’t even think about terminating the pregnancy.  Why do we argue so much about this.

If you can get gay married now, you will still be able to get gay married.  If you cannot, you won’t.  This may change slowly over time but it won’t be because of who is president; it will be because of old people dying.  Even Barack Obama, the alleged champion of the gays, is such a chickenshit that he advocates a “Federalist” approach.  Federalism is the biggest jerkoff in the history of governing philosophies.  Let the states deal with it.  Let’s give power from this one government to this other, even worse government.

We’re either gonna go to war with some new Middle Eastern country or we’re not, and it’ll be because of some perceived provocation to oil money or Israel that either candidate will be forced to react to in the exact same way.  We’re still gonna have nineteen year old kids in Iraq and Afghanistan getting sand in their dickholes and waking up next to H.R. Giger catchers mitt size scorpions and worrying about a shopping bag full of nitroglycerine and rusty screws going off and taking their legs below the knee.  Maybe a few more, maybe a few less, but ultimately about the same.  And if we have to go to some new shithole we will.  Go incinerate some children, burn their arms and legs off for peace in the Middle East.  The Christian and the Mormon will each do this if we have to.

If you have health insurance now, you will still have it.  If you don’t, well… you may have to get it.  But if you can’t get your medical treatment paid for now, you still won’t be able to, because the purpose of an insurance company is to take your premiums and then not pay for your medical care.  If you are forced to buy private insurance under Obamacare you will quickly learn that you should still just go to the emergency room and pay cash.  The hospital still charges thirteen grand for  a drinking straw and the bill is still gonna go to you, not the giant wealthy institution whose sole stated reason for existence is to process and remit medical payments. You are still gonna have to fight the bills, spend hours arguing and getting put on hold and hung up on by people who take a hit on their bonus if they pay your claim.  You’re gonna get charged a grand for an eight minute ambulance ride and your insurance is gonna deny the claim and when you can’t pay the next guy’s ambulance ride is gonna get jacked up by the amount yours actually cost them, about fifty bucks. Just like doctors cannot diagnose, treat, or cure disease, insurance companies cannot pay insurance claims.  Welcome to the health care system.  Aren’t you glad we brought you on board.  And you have to know Obamacare is stupid, because Mitt Romney invented it.

The election is just a big national battle over who gets to control the remote.  What guy you want to watch every day.  But the house has no cable; it’s network TV, meaning, at any given hour, the same shit is on all the channels.  NBC, ABC, CBS– 11:30, you are gonna see an old guy in a suit telling jokes on the level of “Mike Tyson bit a guy’s ear off; Monica Lewinsky gave a blowjob.” Except they can’t even say “blowjob.”  8:30 it’s gonna be a sitcom.  Either a fat guy with a good looking wife and every week the family has some tiny crisis with the one kid’s school, or a workplace comedy where there is no crisis, the crisis is their lives, but that’s the joke. Either way it’s not funny ‘cuz they can’t say fuck.  It’s not worth watching ‘cuz they can’t show tits.  Season 4 someone has to have a baby.  The ratings are flagging and we aren’t selling enough tampons.  People like babies.

I live in California.  I’m not even a Nielsen household, in other words.  I’m going to vote for my penis for president, and even if I convinced ten million other people to do so, Barack Obama will still carry the state.  You would have to have a video of Barack jacking off while Joe Biden facefucked Malia for it to be otherwise.  My vote doesn’t matter.  Yours doesn’t either.  What about Florida in 2000, you say?  Didn’t matter.  More people voted for Gore and Bush won.  Who the judges were mattered; who the campaigns were mattered.  Who appointed the Supreme Court mattered, in a one to one correspondence with their votes.  Who you voted for did not matter.   It will never matter.  Still, I gotta hear about it on facebook.  Who you support, who you gave three or more dollars to in hopes of wining a dinner with George Clooney, what outrage the opposing candidate has committed now– you have to tell me, even though I already knew– you have to tell me because the whole thing is just I wanna be on a team, I wanna be in a fight, I wanna stand for something.

By all means, go vote.  It’s fun.  See a cross section of the non-convicts in your neighborhood; cheerful old women manning the polls; voluntarism.  Maybe a troop of Boy or Girl Scouts helping out and observing and learning about democracy.  Maybe there’s some fun referendum about pot or whores.  Maybe a local election.  But it doesn’t matter who’s president; the whole thing is just a big scam show, the Super Bowl for a special kind of fool.  Go ahead and enjoy yourself but you look like a jerkoff with your big foam number one hand; the guy whose name is on it would open up your rib cage and take a hot sauce shit on your still beating heart for a buck.

Tags: abortion, barack obama, insurance, mitt romney, my penis, obamacare