OKCupid: One Hundred Messages Per Day

20 Jan

you are not ugly

This is a conversation with a friend of mine the day OKcupid blocked everybody’s pictures for their stupid “Crazy Blind Date” promotion.

I want you to remember this.  She gets over one hundred messages per day.  She is in her 30’s.  One hundred messages per day.  She is a single mother. One hundred messages per day.  She lists her body type as “a little extra.”  One hundred messages per day.  Her “looking for” only lists “friends.”  She gets one hundred messages per day.  You get zero messages per day.

You, being a man, will never get one hundred messages, and I don’t give a fuck who you are.  I don’t give a fuck how handsome you are, how rich you are, how much game you have, how brilliant your profile is.  You will never get one hundred messages in one day.  She gets one hundred messages every day.

Now look, this is my best friend, and in my opinion she deserves a million messages per day.  Any man on Earth would be lucky to date her, except me.  She is smart and funny and pretty and she sucks a mean dick.  Her profile is fucking brilliant, too, and she changes it all the time with fresh material that’s completely off the cuff but funny as fuck. That profile should reap a bunch of messages.  And while she doesn’t list looking for casual sex, anyone with a half-functioning fuck radar can tell she takes the cock easily, and like a master.  There is a vibe about her that screams “I will fuck you on our first meeting.”  Subtle signs like the photo of her with pink panties around her knees pissing between two parked cars.  The piss is photoshopped out to comply with the  family-friendly standards OKCupid enforces, on the site I use to find teenagers to choke while I’m rawdogging them.  And “new friends” is even more of a joke with her than it always is with OKCupid; everyone knows it’s just a merciful way of letting losers down.  But still.  Still.

One hundred messages per day.

Of course, without the pictures, she got zero messages just like you.  It’s not the personality. She and her brilliant profile get one hundred messages per day and an equally pretty but stupid and boring girl also gets one hundred messages per day if she looks like she might give up the ass.  And it’s because all men are animals  who are constantly striving hard to fuck anything that moves.  Every man in the greater Los Angeles area on OKCupid has messaged her.  And if they haven’t, it’s not because they’re not looking for a quick piece of ass.  It’s because she’s over 30.  If you live in Los Angeles, you have messaged her.  Don’t feel bad that she didn’t write back.  She gets one hundred messages per day; answering all that shit would be a full time career.

All men are animals striving hard to fuck and all men are constantly thinking about women, seeking them, tracking them, cataloging them, strategizing about them.  The bartender at El Prado knows the name of almost every first date I come there with when they’ve been in six months ago.  He has no idea who the fuck I am and I’m there twice a week dressed like Oscar fucking Wilde.  My interns come into work telling me about humorous chats with the security guard on the way in.  I could drive through the gate with a bomb in my front seat and that fucker wouldn’t notice me.  No woman I hang out with has ever had to drive by the Home Depot parking lot and fill a UHaul with Mexicans to help her move. One hundred messages per day.

One hundred messages per fucking day.  Guys drive by her at the bus stop and ask her to get in the car.  There’s always some guy she met in the grocery store, some guy she picked up at a concert, some friend of a friend who met her for two seconds and added her on facebook and got her number and asked her out– the population of the Earth is 90 per cent men and every single one of them is pushier than you.  No one has any compunction about taking a shot.  It’s like that on the internet, and it’s like that in life.  When you’re talking about a woman between the ages of 18 and 35 with somewhat agreeable bone structure and skin unlike that of Edward James Olmos and a body type that doesn’t make you think she sleep-eats whole Costco jars of mayonnaise with a wooden spoon– there are more ferret owners in the United States than this sort of person.  There are more Armenians in America than hot women.  There are probably more amputees.  And these vanishingly rare women are being doggedly pursued by a much larger slice of the demographic pie that is basically all men on Earth.  Married, wheelchair-bound, elderly, doesn’t matter.  All men want that same pussy, and none of them mind saying so in the most hamhanded ways imaginable.  Three and a half billion of us on the planet for maybe 25 million of them and maybe five of us aren’t loud over-forward jerkoffs.  I get about one new piece of ass a month and I feel like I must be tying up 80 per cent of the world’s pussy supply.

No wonder, then, that women aren’t out there looking for us, and in fact are out there actively fleeing from us.  They are out there finding a new bar where there are fewer guys and they can relax.  And then one or two guys find out about this bar, and let’s go to X place because there are girls there, and it takes about three weeks for a scene to go from a bar where maybe you’ll get laid to a Bar Where Girls Used To Go.  In the “game” world, they tell you not to have a “scarcity mentality,” but that’s like telling the lead paint eating kids in the inner city school they can be whatever they dream of.  I mean, maybe, but most likely you’re gonna be a hooker or a convict.  There is a motherfucking scarcity reality.  Over 30, single mother, “a little extra,” looking for just friends.  One hundred messages per day.

What’s the lesson to take from this?  I don’t fucking know.  Don’t feel bad, I guess.  It’s tough out there.  One hundred motherfucking messages per day is what you’re up against.  Dudes calling out of cars, inboxes full of dick pics.  If you have gotten laid even once in your life you’re like the Sierra Leonian kid digging in river mud who finds a Blood Diamond.  It’s a wonder we all don’t just stay home and jerk off.

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14 Responses to “OKCupid: One Hundred Messages Per Day”

  1. Bronan the Barbarian! January 20, 2013 at 8:56 pm #

    One. Hundred. Messages. Every fucking day.

    That makes me think the couple of times I’ve gotten laid from OkC are some kind of sexual miracle beamed directly from Jesus Christ’s sparkly scrotum.

  2. dressyarson January 20, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

    It’s not quite as bad as it sounds. The vast majority of messages women receive online represent the voice of men who have no capacity to deliver. It’s too easy to send a message. Only a fraction of a percent of those men are likely to provide a woman with what she’s looking for, whatever that may be in her case. The bigger issue is the logistical nightmare for women of sorting through these messages. It doesn’t cost anything to send an email, and there is no really good way–at least not yet–of filtering them. So the noise created by these hoards of nonentities makes it more difficult for functional men to communicate effectively. The okc journals used to be amazing. A true meritocracy, where you could be funny and interesting, and garner the full attention of plenty of chicks. Still looking for another community like this.

  3. Anonymous January 20, 2013 at 10:40 pm #

    it doesnt seem like that many to me. i’m a woman and that sounds pretty typical. plus rgw easily 200 a day of the “someone just chose you”/”so and so is checking you out right now” email alert BS. After a few months on the site I had to block okcupid’s email notification feature as gmail ran out of storage continually.
    whats shocking is that out of 100 men a day, 0-1 are remotely compelling.

    • Little Miss S January 20, 2013 at 11:00 pm #

      I agree…my best friend is on OK Cupid and gets 200-300 messages per day, I don’t know how she manages to wade through all that crap.

      • Anonymous January 25, 2013 at 12:22 pm #

        Well MY friend gets 500 messages a day. (Just wanted to make it a contest.)

  4. Little Miss S January 20, 2013 at 10:58 pm #

    They most likely weren’t messaging her when the pics were blacked out because of the “a little extra” listed as her body type. If they see her pics, they see that “a little extra” isn’t really true for her, only by LA standards, really. But without that visual proof, they think she’s huge and just downplaying it. 30’s, single mother etc…most guys don’t care about that, even in this town.

  5. jake January 21, 2013 at 2:40 am #

    That post made me feel like a superhero. Having lived in the U.S. for a while, and almost always having had some nice looking booty … doesn’t seem like much of a feat, till put in that sort of perspective.

    Thankfully all those starving small penised dudes also stay over there. Best to keep them away, from polluting the other 40-some countries full of hot women, not used to that much attention.

    • Anonymous January 22, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

      In my experience, guys who always talk about how they always had some nice looking booty are the ones who didn’t really get laid.

      Jakey, your bravado is the biggest thing about you, isn’t it?

  6. Anonymous April 5, 2013 at 8:19 pm #

    #mia #corleonespizza #skype

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