Reader Mailbag: How to Get Pussy on OKCupid

6 Oct

“Crom” writes:

Since it seems you’ve banged a ridiculous amount of women from OKC, would it be possible for you to drop a datasheet/guide on OKC from opener-bang?

Or at least, yoda, just help this young man along, mentor him and pass on your legacy? HAHA

because I get many profiles views, replies, and numbers but I have a hard time turning that into dates. I know all the basic logistical shit and I’m not new to game. can you show me a screencap/transcript of how you play things?

I typically have decent openers, but the replies from women are so banal or the profiles are bare and generic, I have very little to work with. How do go from opener>chatting>IRL meeting. I’m getting phone numbers but having difficulty with getting meet ups.

You’re probably sick of jackasses like me asking you things like this so I understand. >_>

Don’t listen to me. I know nothing. I’ve blown more easy ass than I’ve gotten. What I do get doesn’t make me happy. My OKCupid tricks will not help anybody. The short version is: be me. Then go on a date and behave like me. I am over six feet tall, white*, and not ugly. I am a hilarious genius. Fuck off if you don’t think so. The way to get pussy on OKCupid is to be a tall, not ugly, hilarious genius.

Then again I’m broke as shit and a filthy alcoholic pervert. I make this known. Reading my profile, you can almost smell my broken, hissing toilet. See the house centipede as long as a dollar bill gnawing a fresh log of tuna fish shit in my cat’s litter box. You read my profile and you know that there’s a half empty flour sack sitting torn open in the back of my cupboard, swarming with weevils. I come out and say it: I want to have filthy unprotected gutter sex on our first date and then never speak again. I still get laid. The women are often wonderful. So maybe there’s something to it.

First, remember: OKCupid is a fucking joke. There are no consequences. Do whatever you want. Be ridiculous. Who cares if she blocks you. Who cares if you run into her in real life. This happens to me all the time. If I message a girl about Jennifer Connelly going ass to ass and she blocks me, I am guaranteed to see her in the Ethnic Foods aisle of the Echo Park Vons the next day. My mouth starts forming “Oh, hi” while I try to process where I know her from. Then it dawns on me. She is already looking at the ground. Giving me way too wide a berth as she forsakes her plan to purchase a five pound sack of sushi grade rice. Scuttles away. She remembers me instantly, I’m that guy. She thinks I’m a sociopathic rapist. Really I’m just a sad aging dork with a basket of cheap chicken and three dollar wine. Who gives a fuck.

It took a while to get like this. I used to want girlfriends off OKCupid. Had a few. One of them was born deaf and spent her life helping autistic children. That wholesome shit, it turns out, was not for me. OKCupid is for jamming your raw whiskey-ravaged penis into warm meat with a face. The profiles do not represent human beings. They might as well have thumbnails of pint glasses, each packed with two chicken cutlets microwaved to 98.6 degrees.

OKCupid is your background pussy. OKCupid is the pussy you get so you don’t fuck up getting pussy in real life. OKCupid keeps the scent off. When you blow it at a bar, you think: fine, I’ll go find another Korean chick with blue hair on OKCupid. That’s what it’s for.

But enough jibber-jabber. Here are answers to your questions:

can you show me a screencap/transcript of how you play things?

Sure:

okc short

Quick and dirty. But most actual pussy is not from sending messages.  It’s incall business. When I’m making first contact shit tends to peter out.

Make a good enough profile that girls message you first. Then the ass is in the bag. Read the best books you can. Listen to the funniest comedians you can. Write and write and write and make a huge unwieldy document from which you copy and paste the best few paragraphs. Be un-ugly and provide photographic evidence. Make them come to you.

I typically have decent openers, but the replies from women are so banal or the profiles are bare and generic, I have very little to work with.

Don’t spam boring girls. If a girl gives you nothing on her profile, to hell with her. Know what you like and be selective. As an alcoholic whore, I seek alcoholic whores. Any woman who smokes is an alcoholic whore. Funny women, good writers, crazy impulsive personalities– alcoholic whores. Banal profiles, minimal profiles, square girls who like sports, who list fifteen thousand TV shows– fuck ‘em.

You’re never going to get anywhere outside your niche. If you’re a dirtbag like me, do a keyword search for authors. Lot of girls love Bukowski. Anais Nin. They all love Lolita. This is a coded message across enemy lines. I know you’re a fucking pig and I want it. I flick the bean to a fancy book about a perv raping a little girl.

How do go from opener>chatting>IRL meeting. I’m getting phone numbers but having difficulty with getting meet ups.

There is no chatting. Get the date immediately. When a woman messages you, make some half-relevant quip, ask her to get a drink, get the number. If you message first and she replies, do the same. No matter what her reply. When you get the number, text and set the date. Drinks close to your house. “Hey, it’s saccrater69. How about Thursday at the Salty Hog.”

okc swift

If she doesn’t give the number, if she ignores your request and tries to continue the conversation– it’s dead. Maybe means no. Hesitation means no. I’ve had a few exceptions. But frankly, if a woman wants to make you work for it, it’s an insult. And all online conversation is just a chance to fuck up. The point of OKCupid is that we are dehumanized slabs of fuckmeat and there are a million of us. No individual matters. Move on.

That’s what I do. It gets me meaningless ass five or ten times a year. The ego validation keeps me from looking like Jacob’s Ladder in the mirror. Eating a bullet. Be warned, it will corrode your soul. Mechanize a part of you that should be natural. You’ll wake up a decade later childless and alone, smelling the tuna fish dump squeezed out by your only companion.

But what are you gonna do. Gotta get laid somehow.

*I hate that this is an asset. People with racial preferences in dating are fucking primitives.

21 Responses to “Reader Mailbag: How to Get Pussy on OKCupid”

  1. dressyarson October 6, 2013 at 7:01 pm #

    I find the above advice pretty accurate. But what do you do if you’re short and/or ugly? You’re pretty fucked, actually. But there are some things that help. But first, like DT said, you’ve got to have an excellent profile. It has to be hilarious, and it has be so in a way that reflects your personal sense of humor/values/convictions. You can’t be afraid to scare off women who are extremely unlikely to fuck you anyway. It’s much, much better to have a narrow yet deep appeal than cast a wide net with a bunch of superficial, unoffensive tripe that will never cause any woman to feel a connection to you.

    The other thing, counter-intuitively, is to brag. About your money. Your career. Show off your abs. Brag about your dick. Whatever you have going for you. Now, my strategy is do this in a subtle, humorous way that flies under the radar, but I’m not going to say that’s the only way. I’ve never had sex with a woman from the Internet who wasn’t fully informed about my junk. Most guys have something going for them. Put that out there–knowing, of course, if you do it wrong it will totally backfire. (Don’t put a shirtless photo up unless you look really, really good.) I’ve seen guys put up photos of their car. You know, I bet that can work. Some women will give you shit about this and introduce themselves in the same message.

    • dressyarson October 6, 2013 at 7:03 pm #

      I feel kind of dumb responding to someone else’s reader question but I can’t help it.

  2. Noppe October 7, 2013 at 4:50 am #

    Hey DT, how’s the pus-filled boils coming along?

  3. BB753 October 7, 2013 at 8:43 am #

    Hey, how about people with height preferences in dating? Aren´t they primitives too? Midgets need a break. You should also apologise for your height privilege, if you choose to apologise for your race.
    BTW, how´s the feces transfusion going?

  4. mindstar October 7, 2013 at 10:55 am #

    It’s hilarious when women (who almost always have height preferences) gripe about men having weight preferences. As a practical matter it’s a lot easier for a woman to lose 20-30 lbs than it is for a man to grow 4-6 inches. Hope the post mean’s you’re feeling better DT.

  5. Everm01 (@everm01) October 7, 2013 at 10:56 am #

    I’d say that all of this is pretty accurate. Just adding that online dating is a numbers game. The more people you contact the more responses you’re going to get. When I was online dating a lot I’d use Sunday nights to send out a ton of messages and drill down from there during the week. You’ve got nothing to lose so message anyone you find even remotely attractive.

    Never forget that your goal is a face to face meeting so you need to go from exchanging messages to meeting in person as quickly as possible. If the girl hesitates just move on to someone else.

    Also, if you’re using OKCupid, use the Quickmatch feature to rate women. If you both rate each other highly you’ll get an automated message. Instant opening line there…

  6. jake October 7, 2013 at 11:56 am #

    it’s the don’t-give-a-fuckness that gets you laid, *after* you could no longer give a fuck about getting laid. by the time you can get it, it no longer means anything. like being rich, suddenly all those awesome, desirable things, are just … things.

    there’s only like one brief moment, before you cross over into ahh-fuck-whatever. when you start being able to get what you always wanted, but still are able to feel something about it. which … i bet DT can’t even remember that.

    hey, DT. tell stories about those years. when you were just hatching.

    • Little Miss S October 8, 2013 at 10:00 pm #

      So true…people only want to give you things after when you don’t need them or care whether or not you have them. I’d like to hear “DT hatching” stories, too!

    • Nick Troyer October 9, 2013 at 6:00 am #

      I’d really enjoy someone elaborating on this.

    • Potential Riposte October 13, 2013 at 6:38 am #

      I’ll third the request here. I’d love to see the “Loser Diary” series continue. This is the kind of stuff I can relate to.

  7. deliciousCUPIDs October 9, 2013 at 12:24 am #

    I agree with your advocation of bars for okcupid meets. What best do you suggest for under 21 women?

  8. ConnorBryant October 12, 2013 at 9:47 pm #

    So true the comment about height and weight preferences on male/female profiles
    If you are slightly under average height though there are ways you can make up for it.
    To get the mega discipline, mega body that you may want, check out;
    http://www.learningthesteel.com
    Good stuff

  9. Anonymous October 12, 2013 at 11:23 pm #

    Care to critique this profile? http://www.okcupid.com/profile/SNOBUNNiiBARBii?cf=profile lolz

    • Anonymous October 13, 2013 at 3:31 pm #

      Start with spelling. Jesus

  10. subject-verb agreement October 15, 2013 at 3:15 pm #

    no, asshole. i “flick the bean” to “Lolita,” because that perverted shit is some of the most fucking gorgeously clever prose ever penned. whereas Humbert fumbles, Nobokov fondles his own Lolita [ie. Language] like the double entendre Don Juan. did you know that “Lolita” was originally written in English? Nabokov did not translate it into his native Russian until three years later. fucking mind blowing to watch as he navigates the literary nuances of our language like Vasco da Gama with a Garmin.

    don’t get me wrong, i’m a pervert. but the goddamn man deserves more than a daddy-issues deduction.

    • Icarus November 14, 2013 at 3:55 am #

      You’re requesting in-depth literary discussion on a blog that has ‘Steve Jobs Sucks Cocks in Hell’ in the ‘Best Of’ section?

      Do you see where the problem is here?

  11. samseau October 19, 2013 at 11:22 am #

    *I hate that this is an asset. People with racial preferences in dating are fucking primitives.”

    So why is a preference for white any difference than a preference for young, hot girls with tight asses and big boobs?

    Lose the guilt man.

    • Anonymous November 19, 2013 at 8:56 am #

      truf.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. OkCupid | Fortune Rota Volvitur - November 23, 2013

    […] found myself heavily influenced by delicioustacos and an earnest refusal to give a fuck when writing the profile. It makes me come across as a […]

  2. Fake POF / OKcupid Profile? - January 19, 2014

    […] (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Around 2000 or so, I made a fake profile on a site that I can't remember now. It wasn't PoF or OkCupid. I gave myself a higher income, higher status job (surgeon?) and used a magazine pic of a square jawed male model with perfect hair, riding a magnificent stallion on the beach. The reason was that I was having trouble finding anybody I was halfway attracted to on that site. I didn't create that profile to mess with anybody. Just wanted to see if I would get a higher response rate if I were much better looking and higher income. From what I can remember, it didn't exactly rain women. One eastern European girl seemed to be infatuated with fake-me. I deleted that profile pretty quick before I led anybody on. I know that people online (esp. women?) can be shitty sometimes, but there's a principle about treating people the way you want to be treated, that I think I learned in Sunday school a lifetime ago. So if you must do this experiment for yourself, to find out if things would be different if you were just a little bit richer or taller or something…pull the plug quick. Don't drag any girls into extended conversations. Satisfy your curiosity and then pull the plug. Just to put things into perspective for you: It took a while to get like this. I used to want girlfriends off OKCupid. Had a few. One of them was born deaf and spent her life helping autistic children. That wholesome shit, it turns out, was not for me. OKCupid is for jamming your raw whiskey-ravaged penis into warm meat with a face. The profiles do not represent human beings. They might as well have thumbnails of pint glasses, each packed with two chicken cutlets microwaved to 98.6 degrees. OKCupid is your background pussy. OKCupid is the pussy you get so you don’t fuck up getting pussy in real life. OKCupid keeps the scent off. When you blow it at a bar, you think: fine, I’ll go find another Korean chick with blue hair on OKCupid. That’s what it’s for. Reader Mailbag: How to Get Pussy on OKCupid | delicioustacos […]

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