Diary: I Need to Get Laid

2 Mar

I could have fucked her.  If I had played my cards right.  If I had gone for the makeout earlier.  I got her back to my house.  I got her shirt off, anyway, although she kept buttoning her pants back up.  But when I was kind of kissing around her hipbones, she was getting really hot.  So, I should have played it better.  I should have gotten those pants off.  I could have done it.  I could have gotten her hot enough to get her pants off, and then I would have fucked her.  And I would be just as hung over, just as sleep-deprived, just as tired, but I would have gotten laid.

Because now I need to get laid.  Getting laid by a new woman is like methadone and my maintenance dose is running out.  Last new girl I fucked was the end of January.  So that’s how long it lasts.  About a month.  About a month between fucking a new chick and feeling again like I’m completely undesirable.

Now I’m right back to where I started– out a bunch of money for this stupid fucking date and I still need to get laid.  I had been trying an experiment  where I wasn’t going to make any effort- I wasn’t going to say or do anything I wouldn’t say or do if I weren’t trying to get laid.  And I burned right through that.  Everything I did, it was all about– will there be girls there.  Will there be new girls I haven’t already tried to fuck and been rejected by.  Will I get laid.  Can I get laid.  It’s been one month and now I’m instantly back to feeling like you may never get laid again. Because OKCupid– look, I get that my profile, specifically saying things exactly like this, is probably a turnoff, but it’s also true that the amount of girls on here who are not straight out of the cheap low-oxygen domes in TOTAL RECALL or you know, just really fucking overweight- the amount of girls who are neither of these things and yet display any kind of sense of humor or personality is vanishingly small.  And of course it is.  Of course.  All the good ones are taken.  All the things the old spinsters I used to work with used to bemoan are now all coming true of me– I spend my nights hanging out with my Lesbian friend and her cat.  All the good ones are taken or gay.

OKCupid girls suck and real life, forget about it.  Forget this 51-49 shit they tell you in, uh, demography class because the world is 80 per cent male.  At least. I have not been in a single environment where women outnumber or even match the amount of men in about ten years– I’m talking literally not even for five minutes.  I went to fucking Lesbian dance night and there were more guys than girls there.  I am not kidding. Go to the grocery store and do a headcount.  The grocery store is where you go to buy vegetables, tampons and diapers– things they advertise on Lifetime.  Detergent.  The grocery store has been at least seventy per cent dudes every time I go.

Women must– like, it must be like the Shakers.  We live in a sexually segregated society where women lead separate, secluded lives.  They must have their own special grocery store they go to, or they must go there during business hours when the menfolk are working.  They must have their own secret parties, bars, and restaurants that are like Platform Nine and Three fucking Quarters, visible only to them.  Every girl everywhere I go has three horny dudes besides me hitting on them and these guys all have better game.

What it is is, they are probably all just fucking the same dude.  Some bartender.

2 Responses to “Diary: I Need to Get Laid”

  1. ben January 18, 2014 at 1:09 pm #

    Whole Foods, Trader Joes = Grocery stores with vastly more girls than guys

    stop going to Von’s and Ralph’s. Single broke dudes and ugly aging mothers clutching a bunch of coupons go to those. Very bad ratios.

  2. Anonymous August 9, 2014 at 9:30 pm #

    Need to get laid? I feel you. Check out my website http://www.ifyouneedtogetlaid.com

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