Cats and Dogs

16 May

The people with their dogs. What if I had a dog. I like to think I would be out walking it all the time; it would have gotten me out more, and perhaps I would have net a nice young woman out with her dog. You know, out in the park, the dogs are frolicking, you get to talking… and then, you know, she comes over to your apartment, the dog recognizes her; she fucks you.  They say this kind of shit happens.

But really, my cat is the exact right amount of pet for my lifestyle.  He has his own life.  It would be immeasurably cruel to have a dog, go to work for eleven hours per day; sometimes do drinks after, you come home and the dog has been trapped in 400 square feet of poorly ventilated carpeted space with only the smells of garbage under the kitchen sink to amuse him. The dog’s whole life is waiting for the moment you get home. You get home and it’s just looking at you all expectantly, like, please focus one hundred per cent of your attention on me.  Please spend every waking second not otherwise occupied, throwing a tennis ball again and again.

Even if I spent my entire 45 minutes to three hours that I ever have to myself on any given night, even spending every second of this entire time focused on exercising and socializing with and paying attention to the dog, still, that means the dog has the same fucking life as me.  Eleven hours of suck and then three hours of “maybe OK” at maximum, and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody.  Plus, I don’t want a fucking dog. My cat goes and kills things and has his own life and then comes and lays around with me at night. Perfect.  The cat is a fucking wild animal with only the barest amount of scratch-your-face-off bred out of it, otherwise everything that makes it cool is intact.  The cat might as well be a slightly friendlier leopard.  Whereas the dog is like having a kid afflicted with Downs Syndrome.  Every little fucking thing has to be carefully supervised; if you let it out of your sight for one second it’s going to bite somebody or fuck some other retarded kid and impregnate them.  And you know, people with Downs Syndrome kids say it’s the greatest blessing and they know joy you never will and etc. etc., well… I’ll have to take your word for it.

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