Bio from Me & Nikol’s Aborted Internet Dating Advice Column

17 Jun

Cornelius J. Tacos is an underemployed drunkard living in squalor in an undesirable area of Los Angeles. He has no money, no ambition, and his face looks like it got hit with a shovel.  His car is the color of primer, and the A/C is busted and the windows don’t roll down.  And YET he still gets tons of dates, sex, and relationships, often with not bad looking nineteen year olds, off the internet.

Nikol Hasler is a twice-married single mother of three who lives in a decaying stucco house in Van Nuys with a cadre of rude drunks.  She is an alumna of the Wisconsin state foster care system—the Harvard of child sexual abuse—with all the self–esteem issues, broken sexuality, and lifelong substance abuse that that entails. AND YET she still meets and dates tons of handsome, funny, and rich men off the internet. Often they are of above average height with penis girths up to one and one half standard deviations above the norm.

Why is this? Because these two are INTERNET DATING WIZARDS with such incredible finesse and expertise that the most desirable partners on the entire internet CANNOT SAY NO.  Each week, they will take one of your sad, unlovable profiles and turn it into a TOTAL LIE that will make you seem actually attractive. Then they will help you pick an attractive mate and ghostwrite the PERFECT EMAILS that will help you get laid.  It’s like HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN, if Michael Landon was trying to get you some ass from a waitress with one really hot picture taken from above and to the left.   And if he didn’t get cancer and die.  Or maybe that was The Hulk, who knows.  But it’s also like The Hulk.

Anyway.  Tune in each week as we take as we take the complete dregs of the dating market and turn them into INTERNET DATING SUPERSTARS by the power of mere words.  We promise that we can help ABSOLUTELY ANYBODY find the man or woman of their dreams. Maybe not you though.

4 Responses to “Bio from Me & Nikol’s Aborted Internet Dating Advice Column”

  1. sylviasarah June 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm #

    You guys could try again.

    • DeviLox June 18, 2012 at 1:25 pm #

      I agree.

      • nikolhasler June 18, 2012 at 2:46 pm #

        I agree, too.

  2. Jake June 24, 2012 at 12:48 am #

    How does this kind of writing awesomeness remain in total Interwebs obscurity?

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