STD Diary 2006: Gonorrhea Gonorrhea Gonorrhea

18 Jun

NOTE: This is from 2006.  Do not read this, if you have had unprotected sex with me in the last six years, and think that I gave you some STD.  I did not.

Gonorrhea, Gonorrhea, Gonorrhea

Actually I think it might be chlamydia— the discharge is transparent, not all chunky and creamy and green— but whatever the fuck it is, it’s getting worse by the second. Chlamydia chlamydia chlamydia. Papilloma… these are really nice sounding words. I want to go into Planned Parenthood tomorrow and say “hello, i’d like to be tested for” (thick italian accent) ”Papilllllomaa… Gonnorrrrhea…” anyway, at least I had to get fucked to get it. The chick was hot. She was Filipina, which is an ethnicity I’d never fucked before, although I hate how people are all creepy about that. I hate guys who are “into Asian girls…” it’s like the white chicks who only date black guys. There’s always something wrong with them. But anyway, I have gonorrhea! Gonorrhea gonorrhea gonorrhea!

Yeah, so I’m sitting here in the office, trying to deal with my normal work duties– phone calls, meetings—- and I’m just totally preoccupied with this preternatural awareness of my penis, prostate and nuts… like, every little sensation is magnified a thousand fold; my prostate is swollen right near my ass so it feels like I just took a huge shit… my cock is kind of sliding around on top of my nuts in this weird little pus-bath it’s created… and it stings, like the way blister-pus does after you pop one. And the tip—- the opening of the urethra kind of feels like i’ve been walking around in jeans all day with no underwear. it’s not painful per se, but it’s kind of eerily unpleasant. I know it’s a harbinger of intense genital misshapenness and pain to come. But when I look at my dick it looks perfectly normal, and the discharge hasn’t really amounted to more than a drop or two… whatever though. And in between calls I’m on hold with various publicly-financed testing centers and they all tell me that they have nothing available on Saturdays or you have to call to get an appointment on Monday, Wednesday or Friday between 9 and 11 am; it’s this whole Soviet bureaucracy type system where it’s impossible to get anything done immediately, so I’m going to have to go out to this fucking porn doctor in the valley and just bite the bullet and pay. Fuck it though. At least I got laid.

6 Responses to “STD Diary 2006: Gonorrhea Gonorrhea Gonorrhea”

  1. Anonymous June 18, 2012 at 12:53 pm #

    you are a gay homoseuxal && u lik einers hahah

  2. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    Note to self: do not stick your dick in third-world pussy.

    Ahhh, the white chicks who only fuck black dudes, otherwise known as coonhounds. Yeah, they’re usually pretty fucked up. And they never go for some Carlton Banks type black dude from an upper-middle class family, either. They always go for the most ghetto, thugged-out black guys they can find. Ones who will backhand them once in a while for raising their voice, and refer to them as “bitch” or “ho”. This is becoming increasingly common lately, I guess with the rising popularity of hip-hop and the culture surrounding it. These girls watch a couple rap videos and they think Tyrone who sells jars of wet on 3rd and Somerset – they think he’s a baller. He’s got “swag”. When in reality he’s making less than the fry cook at McDonald’s standing on the corner hustling 12 hours a day, and then he’ll knock them up and get pinched and they’ll be stuck putting money on his books while he’s up in Graterford playing pitty pat and spades without a care in the world… and then they gotta visit him there with their weird looking oreo baby who will grow up suffering from a sever identity crisis, never really fitting in anywhere. She’ll visit him with their asian complected kid with kinky hair, blue eyes and a big ass nose. Or maybe the kid will grow up to be the next Derek Jeter… who knows.

  3. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn June 18, 2012 at 5:10 pm #

    You should see a spike in your blog traffic today. I linked the review of fifty shades of grey on r/books, and it’s doing pretty good. Maybe an editor from The New York Times will read it and offer you a job as a columnist writing book reviews or something.

    • delicioustacos June 18, 2012 at 5:53 pm #

      There has been a spike; thank you for that. r/books delivers way more traffic than r/okcupid. Who knew– people still read.

  4. helganoth June 18, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

    Ok so…did it turn out to be gonorrhea? Did you get it fixed? HOW DOES THE STORY END?!

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