Diary: More on the Dogs

21 Jun

I threw a bucket of water on those dogs again this morning.  They were barking, or at least the one was.  They have been starting at 6:45 AM for several days.  Their bark volume is exactly high enough to still be audible over every fan in the house turned up to the maximum setting and placed in my bedroom, along with the loud guttural motor from the bathroom blower.  The next move is to turn on the AC on “fan” mode so no cold air is blowing from it.  In total this creates about the same amount of white noise as standing next to a jet engine.  And still,  still, you can hear the fucking dog: bark bark bark, bark bark bark.

So I got up this morning and filled a five gallon bucket with cold water and went to the bottom of my driveway and listened directionally so I could tell which of the 12,000 unruly dogs on my block was the one doing the barking.  I surmised that it was the border collie two houses down who either stands on his high porch bark bark barking or, if a person is walking by, runs down the stairs with his little white terrier friend and maniacally circles over and over again while bark bark barking and occasionally trying to bite through the gate.  I stood in front of his house; he and his buddy came down, and I dumped the water on them.

And it did nothing. Nothing.  The one time in the past I have done this, the dogs were immediately cowed and silent and ran back terrified to the house.  So I have always held it in the back of my mind as a kind of nuclear trump card to deploy that would take care of the problem if I had ever been to bed late and had a rough day lined up at work.  But no.  They took the water to the face and kept on bark bark barking. They have toughened up.  They have learned that the water does not hurt them, that it’s only a quick initial shock even on a cold morning and it should not deter them from barking their heads off the instant I show up and then long after I’m gone.  I’m going to have to plant claymores in a deer carcass now.

12 Responses to “Diary: More on the Dogs”

  1. beenam June 21, 2012 at 12:15 pm #

    Haha! I hope they bark like fucking maniacs every morning until you move out. This kind of shit, more than anything else, makes you a prick.

    • delicioustacos June 21, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

      Maybe the woman who can’t shut her god damn animals up at the crack of fucking dawn will move out instead, and move in next to your house.

      Also, thanks for being my 400th comment!

      • beenam June 21, 2012 at 12:27 pm #

        I agree that she’s culpable, so I think what you should be focusing on–instead of animal abuse–is how to sneak into her home in the dark hours of the early morning and correctively rape her. After you’re finished, whisper quietly into her ear that this is, in fact, her fault and she really did ask for it and maybe if her dogs hadn’t called to your hungry rape rod like canine sirens, you’d have chosen a different house.

        Let’s punish the actual guilty party.

      • delicioustacos June 21, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

        Getting fucked by me isn’t a punishment.

        More of a brief nuisance.

      • beenam June 21, 2012 at 12:52 pm #

        Good point. For her to get the full impact of how horrendous being raped by you actually is, she’d need to know how many women and hookers you have unprotected sex with– and that would compromise your anonymity.

        Well, fine. Stick with the water-bucketing of the dogs, I guess.

    • Sexy Results June 21, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

      If I could just procure such thing as an asbestos condom, I would rape these embittered female comment-leavers so hard that the friction would set the twigs, moss, peanut shells and other dry, tinder-like material in their vaginas alight.

      At first they would be think that this “intense warmth spreading outwards” might be the female orgasm they had read about but never experienced first hand.

      Soon though, they’d look down and notice the licks of flame spreading through the dense, unruly forest of their pubic hair and realise no, what was actually happening was that their vagina was most definitely on fire.

      Great “community” you got going here, Tacos.

      • beenam June 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

        I think you’d first need to procure a cock that doesn’t weep in fear inside your pants at the thought of a woman actually fucking touching it. You’re attacking the “female commenters” saying that we’re all hairy-bushed, never-banged harpies but it’s you who looks like you have the least contact with the opposite sex based on your idiotic misgogyny. Attack what I said if you want to, but jumping to woman-hating is pathetic.

  2. Anonymous June 21, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    wow what a whore. what you should in fact do is put a rubber on and have delicate sex first with the terrier and then the shepherd. who is that 400th commenter nightmare. ew.

  3. sylviasarah June 21, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

    DT!!! This is what you get! This is what you get for pretending to be a douche on the internet. You make other douches think it’s okay to be terrible people and reference women as whores for having an opinion and voicing it as strongly as you voice yours. You guys are all idiots for thinking any of this has anything to do with women.

    Women of the world are going to need men to recognize really soon that in the same way homophobes don’t talk shit about gays because gays are inherently wrong, men don’t talk shit about women because women are inherently wrong. Sorry guys. When you’re idiots, we’re going to point it out. It might be a new concept that your forefathers could never have prepared you for, but if we’re going to have to work, we’re going to feel free to call you out. We don’t have to keep our mouths shut anymore because we are having to pay for ourselves at dinner, lest a guy should think we’re gold-diggers, and not be able to be stay at home moms and whatever other stuff feminists want/ed. I’m not complaining about that, I’m just saying. You’re always talking shit about how women are supposed to be independent and when someone voices an independent opinion you swoop in to put us back in our places.

    PS and most muthereffing importantly:

    Who the fudge thinks talking about rape like this is an okay thing to do, even in jest? One might say she mentioned it first but one might think the appropriate response would be correction and not carrying on the theme. You guys are all idiots for this one. You guys are probably the ones who would go along with a gang rape instead of taking a step back and saying, what the hell is going on here? Good job. Obviously you feel good about yourselves for standing up for your bro and getting yet another chance to miss the point and call a woman a whore. You are just that much more accomplished.

  4. Anonymous June 21, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    ss you must live under a brude

  5. Anonymous June 21, 2012 at 4:35 pm #

    also salvia sara im sure you are a doble standerd when ur vacuuming a dudes wallet lol

    • sylviasarah June 21, 2012 at 4:52 pm #

      Okay, well I’m not really sure what a brude is but you’d lose your bet. I usually end up paying for them out of some weird sense of gratitude for a not terrible date. Sharing is caring.

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