Sunday Call with Mom

5 Aug

Have to call my mother. Haven’t spoken to her in three weeks.  This puts a lot of pressure on the conversation. No doubt she has done things in the past three weeks, and I will hear about those things.  It will now take three times as long to hear about all the things.  Meals she has prepared; Amnesty International meetings she went to.  Things pertaining to yoga, her yoga instructor.  Her yoga instructor’s husband.  He is a musician. He plays in a band; perhaps my mother will have gone to see the band perform, typically at an Italian restaurant.  I will hear about the quality of the show.

Then I will be expected to say things.  My things should also, logically, take three times as long as normal to say because of the lacuna in our communication.  But I don’t talk about work.  I hate talking about work; I am ashamed of how menial and unrewarding my job is, plus, bringing it up in any detail makes the humiliation and trauma fresh to me, and I don’t want her to hear this in my voice.  I don’t want my mother to know that my life is mostly horrible.  I also can’t talk to her about the thing that makes me the most happy, which is having unprotected sex with women much younger than me, right after I meet them.  I can’t tell her how I’m extremely good at this and I’m pleased that I have become so practiced at it.  That I had feared that as my age advanced and  my hair turned gray and yet I still didn’t have any success or money, that the type of woman I am attracted to, which is ones that are over fifteen years younger than me– I had feared that I would lose my access to these women, that they would see me as a gross boring old pervert. But in fact it is easier when you are thirty six years old to have unprotected sex very fast with nineteen year olds than it has been at any other time.  It is unbelievably easy, like a joke, and I can see this going on for ten more years, and their bodies are so beautiful, their pussies  just lightly musky and fresh-tasting; I love when I’m fucking them to pretend that I’m going to ejaculate inside them and my copious seed will find purchase in their fertile and healthy young wombs and they will be pregnant and their lives will be ruined; this gives me so much happiness and pleasure.  I cannot tell my mother about this.  She likes to hear about the cat though.

I can tell her about birds I’ve seen and days I’ve spent in the park or mountains, and meals I’ve prepared.  We can discuss different techniques for roasting a chicken, though frankly, I have absolutely perfected roasting a chicken and it should be a one sided conversation.  But she tipped me off to a side dish where you simply halve a baguette and sit the chicken right on top of it, allowing fats and juices to soak into the bread which becomes a moist, rich, crusty sort of toast.  This was revolutionary for me because previously roasting a chicken was a day long labor due to the side dishes: mashed potatoes or pommes Anna; drunkenly wrestling with wet slippery tubers and sharp  blades– having an effortless yet delicious starch means a chicken can be roasted after work on a Tuesday night. Just because you have a stressful career is no reason you shouldn’t live well.

I kind of want to tell her:  Ma, I’m all fucked up, I’m trapped in this job and it’s crushing me and I have no way out, and I’m a sex addict and I always hurt people and I’m going to get AIDS; I drink like a hobo and wake up on weekdays so hung over that my eyeballs hurt; sometimes I get so drunk on work nights that I break things and cry.  I don’t know what I’m gonna do and please please help me. And if she knew that was how I felt she would desperately want to hear it.  But I don’t want to worry her.  I don’t want her to be sad. And it’s true, you know, I do like cooking chicken and looking at birds.

I wonder what shit she has going on that she’s keeping from me.  Maybe she’s fucking nineteen year olds too, who knows.

27 Responses to “Sunday Call with Mom”

  1. Anonymous August 5, 2012 at 3:42 pm #

    This is the first time your writing has moved me in the opposite direction of hating you. Good job.

  2. Cathy August 5, 2012 at 4:52 pm #

    That comment above was funny. Cornelius, on Friday night Brady and I talked to nikol about you, and she said you actually have a really great job. I was all, “he makes it sound so awful” and she said it is a cool job.

    Anyways I liked this post cuz I’ve never heard u talk about your mom so I wasn’t even sure if you had one. It was pretty.

    • Stfu August 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm #

      Cathy, you are like kryptonite to anything that is worthwhile and good.

    • Phuk Yoo August 5, 2012 at 6:07 pm #

      Please give away more details about DT’s anonymous Internet identity. I am sure he really appreciates it.

    • sylviasarah August 5, 2012 at 6:38 pm #

      Poor Cathy. Nikol has already ref’d DT as Tim. Everyone is just jealous that you know him personally enough to know his name and that even though you can send him an email, you choose to post replies here. It’s not so much that they are frustrated with you as it is that they wish they had personal contact with him. Don’t feel bad, if you do. And if you don’t, well that’s good because you shouldn’t.

      • sylviasarah August 5, 2012 at 6:42 pm #

        And changing it to Cornelius on here is a good idea if Nikol is willing do the same on her blog. DT, not to creep you out but your full name is totally in your other blog. Just a heads up. Everyone look! Or you can just delete this. I don’t feel like sending an email.

      • Cathy August 5, 2012 at 9:53 pm #

        Sylvia, is there a “message me” option on this blog? I thought anyone could email him?! Omfg I send him emails AND post on this blog AND tonight i gchatted him cuz I like to annoy and harass him, in an annoying
        sibling kinda way. I think he hates it but loves it. I only talk about nonsense though. This is what I asked him tonight, “did you like my meatloaf song analysis?” he didn’t reply.

      • Versace August 5, 2012 at 11:42 pm #

        You project a lot.

      • sylviasarah August 6, 2012 at 9:41 am #

        Lol, I know but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. There is no reason for anyone to dislike her.

      • Christy August 8, 2012 at 1:54 am #

        Yeahhhh, it’s fully obv to anyone who cares to Google for one second what his real identity is…I know so much about him already. Not that I’m stalking or anything, but I might be using this for material. Might be…

      • sylviasarah August 8, 2012 at 9:48 am #

        Ah! No! Let’s not prove people right…!

  3. sylviasarah August 5, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    I love you. Good job.

  4. Anonymous August 5, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

    Please give us some good tips on how us older guys in our 30s can get sweet, fresh-tasting 19 year old pussy.

  5. cathy August 6, 2012 at 5:19 am #

    STFU sounds a lot like someone i know…i won’t mention his name though cuz i’m scared of his wrath. anyways, seriously DT, this mom post – i think it’s my favorite thing you’ve ever posted. i loved it. i think i love it more than the 50 shades of grey book report and the lose your virginity now you 35 yr old loser one.

    • STFU August 6, 2012 at 9:29 am #

      You don’t know me baby, but I like ya.

    • R. Lee August 7, 2012 at 12:16 am #

      It is not me, if that is what you were thinking.

  6. Anonymous August 6, 2012 at 10:00 am #

    Any minute now someone will hurt you back. Imagine how easy it would be to send your mom a link. You are bound to get aids of the soul soon. Just saying…

    • sylviasarah August 6, 2012 at 2:11 pm #

      Oh! DT, please tell her! Please! I will pay for an hour at that place you mention in the how to lose your virginity post if you tell your mom. How much would it take?

  7. Anonymous August 6, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    cathy you are a fucking idiot stop writing-talking

  8. Lazy Eyed August 7, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

    Fuck. I come back to work from my altitude running clinic and yoga retreat to this? Get over it. Your mother loves you, even if your greatest joy is fantasizing about ruining women’s lives.

    • Anonymous August 9, 2012 at 12:47 am #

      This comment is a joke, right?

  9. Constance Kent August 9, 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    I’ve stumbled here accidentally. I was reading some of the more notorious “manosphere” blogs (which until recently I didn’t even realize existed), and it somehow led me here. I started reading and got hooked on the brutally honest quality of your writing. Of course, I think you’re “wrong-headed” about almost everything, but that’s OK. I feel a lot of compassion for your rage and pain. .

    • Anonymous August 11, 2012 at 12:47 pm #

      Go kill some kids or something.


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